basically, my welcome.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sharkmoviegal, Feb 18, 2010.

  1. sharkmoviegal

    sharkmoviegal Member

    Hello all,

    I had always thought that I was "too strong" to ever even consider suicide, but I guess strength has nothing to do with it when you really have lost everything you thought was worth living for.

    I am an alcoholic because it just helps me deal with everything I've ever destroyed in my life. I'm always sad because my father, the only parent that I really, truly have loved in my entire life, never views me as being good enough. I have had a psychiatric diagnosis ruin my life and alongside that one, I have been struggling with two seperate personalities for months now, and still cannot choose which side I belong on. Even when I am drinking, I am still anorexic/bulimic, because I will always view myself as fat.

    I have also recently lost the love of my life due to a very very VERY poor decision I had made about a year ago.

    Can someone please help me find something worthwhile about my life? It would be much appreciated.
  2. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    suicidal feelings i believe seem to happen to the majority of people - so you are still strong - i believe that there are things that you could keep sacred to you that would be worth living for . . .

    you feel you have destroyed things but was this anger actually keeping you alive until you got help? - my father always acts as if i will never be good enough too - well maybe for about a second and then hes depressed and angry again . . . remember that however hard it may be to focus upon it - your fathers attitude is not your fault at all . . . i have multiple personalities too and it sometimes seem that as soon as you feel used to one side the other becomes prevalent . . . i binge eat and have body dysmorphia - i try to focus on natural nutrients and benefits of foodstuffs rather then being swamped by all this negative imagery and pressure in society that links body shape to worthiness - i used to very slim and was teased for it - then i got larger and was teased for that! unbelievable!!!!

    losing the love of your life can be wrenching - i am struggling at the moment with my lovelife because it seems that whenever i do what i think is right apparently its wrong or never good enough and then i usually put my foot in it anyway -

  3. sharkmoviegal

    sharkmoviegal Member

    I understand this. When I relapse into bulimia/anorexia, my family treats me like sh*t for being "too skinny", but when I try to actually get better & start eating again, they always make "fat jokes" about my weight. So if you ever need anyone to talk to about bulimia/anorexia/any eating disorders, I'm totally here for you.

    As for the lovelife topic- I had to give up the most wonderful, perfect man because I felt that giving him up and breaking my own heart was alot easier than keeping on with him and having him find out what a screw-up I have made myself. My problem with my relationship was that I had messed my life up so bad over this past summer that It just didn't seem fair to him that I kept up with the lie that I didn't really have a backstory. Because after all, I felt that it was better to hurt myself than it ever would be to harm him.

    Either way, I can't live with myself. If I could somehow go back in time and erase everything that happened this summer, I totally would. because then I would still have a life worth living and might actually be able to get sober off alcohol/eating disorders.
  4. sharkmoviegal

    sharkmoviegal Member

    I missed the part where you said you also had multiple personalities. I have about 2. My current struggle is that I have to choose between one that is "right" and one that is "evil". My evil one is named Evin stenny, and she is a sociopathic, fiery alcoholic woman almost reminiscent of a female villain on a soap-opera. The "good one" was the one I thought I should be and acts like I used to before I had started blackout drinking. It's almost like you lose yourself when you have a problem with multiple personalities.

    Again, though, I am here to help if you are ever having a bad day with yours, too.
  5. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    yes well i am seeing a psychologist at the moment - i know of four - there must be more cos i sense them - but you're right its so hard to stay clear of mind and not get lost in the fog of it all - because "they" can feel neglected and vie for attention and i guess that addiction can dull the stress as one tries to cope - but its a slippery slope . . . .

    i feel for you so much that yu have this negative personality - as i also realise that some personalities cannot "leave" or be developed as they are stunted by trauma etc - Evin stenny sounds a lot to handle and you have really helped me - its fate - BASICALLY I USED to black out drink and behave completely differently according to anyone around that would tell me after - i useed to be promiscuous and outlandish and brash and brazen and apparently aggressive and anti authority and society - and i have been to scared to tell my psychologist this because i felt so ashamed!!!!!! Now i will work through it with her - now i realise why sometimes talking to people who have been thru stuff similar is just as if not more illuminating than talking to doctors who just dont really ever fully understand or appreciate things related - i do not think anyone would like this personality i have been too scared to face because she is wild and she thinks i am really boring - which is why i lose confidence and struggle to stay focused because if she comes out people think i am acting or just being disruptive to seek attention so i suppress her - but then i feel frustrated too!

    the sadness - is yes yu very much do lose yourself and it can be terrifying as i know "myself" in the middle of all this and thats the way i was before i was abused as a child - so until 8yrs old i was "me" - then it all changed!thank you for the mutual support - my family and boyfriend do not understand it at all and often make it worse by having no patience and just getting angry!thanks so much!!!!!!

    two of my other personalities are stuck as children because of the abuse - one that was the girl i wanted to be - fine - just likes to be happy and the other that my mind locked the abuse into - so she is more challenging - then i have an older male who is a "protector" type and loves trucks and stuff (!) and an older female who is like a nursemaid to the child personality that the abuse was locked into - who kept trying to get my attention but never really did until a couple of years ago

    i hope you are having a good day

  6. enerjii

    enerjii Active Member

    thanks so much also about the offer of help for my eating disorder - yu are so right and i really can feel your pain - like me - people just bully - saying too fat too thin - its ridiculous - people are too simplistic aswell and just say - well yu eat too much or well yu dont eat enough! they dont know that sometimes i dont sleep, get stressed and starve myself and then my body goes into extra fat storage panic mode and i get bigger! this compounds the bullying in society as people are educated to believe that anyone with a weight problem has one solution to an easy problem why dont they just do it and this is so far from reality - there are hormone issues and pollutants and food intolerance issues and emotional issues . . . . i wont rant on - but people like soundbites and simple answers and sometimes this works for some but for many it just does not

    wow yu were very selfless in letting him go - do you think you could get him back if you could manage things in the future - this must have taken so much composure and strength to do - but yu say that now yu feel stuck either way not wanting to live with what has happened - it must have been a toruous summer and the memories must be really tough - your life is worth living because your grace shines through ans you have suffered so much! I hope that you do manage to positively deal with the alcohol and eating issues - i believe that you will; i believe in you. I am always here if you need me.