Basing self worth on others opinions

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SadDude87, Feb 11, 2008.

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  1. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I am like the fat girl who constantly needs reassurance that she isn't fat, or the hot girl who surrounds herself with ugly friends to make herself feel pretty. Only difference is I am male, and it makes me sick.

    Maybe I am overanalyzing it, but I doubt it.

    I saw another asian escort tonight. She was older, about 40 but really pretty. She complimented me on my big penis, and she kept asking "Why you have no girlfriend? If I 20 years old again, and see you, I think I want this guy to be my boyfriend". Maybe she was just saying that since she wants more business. It is quite possible. But I have heard it before from others. The real problem is though, is that she only sees the exterior. This is what her kind words are based on. Deep down I have severe problems, and have done things which I can never take back. As soon as I open up to somebody they will run, shame me, humiliate me. Even so, this superficial meeting mixed with her superficial compliments was enough to 'fuel me' for the next day or 2. The thing is, in the days before I saw her I could barely leave the house because of how I looked, and more importantly because of who I AM. I hated myself, I hated who I am, who I have become. It makes me want to throw up, which I have done a few times. But all it takes is a few compliments to put me on cloud 9 again. Problem is I need them incessantly, because the euphoria from being admired and loved will only last a day or two until the depression starts once again, unless somebody else compliments me for who I am. My self worth is based soley on the opinions of others. This is why I visit escorts. Hearing compliments from them is the best of all, since they have been with thousands of other men yet they all say the same things about me - which leads me to believe what they say is genuine. However, it is hard to live life in this fashion. And it is especially hard since I seemingly have all the exterior tools required for happiness. I am lucky. I have more than others and should not be sad. This fact just perpetuates feelings of shame. I have no right to even be here, yet I keep returning like some selfish, spoilt, rich brat, for whom only the very best is ever good enough

    I don't know what the point of this post is. I don't even know if it is even coherant. It will not elicit sympathy, since half of it is just talking myself up. Yeah, I am a jerk. And I hate myself for it. But when I have a few drops of alcohol in my system, I immediately feel like writing down my thoughts. And unfortuantly you guys are the ones who have to put up with it.

    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2008
  2. tourniquet77

    tourniquet77 Guest

    Ya you have very, very low self esteem. Try working on it. I know it seems stupid but write down your goals (start out very small) and check off when you've accomplished them. Write down when you think you've done something right even if it's a little thing Also, do something to help others like volunteer or help an old lady with her groceries even if you don't want to. If you see yourself as a good person, you won't feel this way. If you don't have hobby, try getting one. You focus so much on the outside because you feel like shit on the inside. You feel worthless inside and like you have nothing else to offer. This is why you constantly need reassurance from others. I'm sure you know this. It's just going to get worse.One day no one will compliment you again or will insult you and you'll want to crawl in a hole and die.
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2008
  3. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    The subconscious is a powerful thing. Everything you do is taken into account by it to build your self image. Compliments may make you feel better but as you already know, they are a temporary anesthetic. I think what you need is a healthier lifestyle with more friends who appreciate your company when you are just yourself. Compliments are not the only way to keep your self esteem levels high, just having people like you tells your subconscious that it is alright to be you and you feel better accordingly. Hiring an escort, while it may just seem like a way to pass the time, tells your subconscious that you have to hire women to sleep with them and that in turn makes you feel worse about yourself, although her compliments may make you feel better for a while they will not change your self image permanently, you need to change yourself for that to happen.
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