Battle Fatigue

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Thella, Oct 14, 2011.

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  1. Thella

    Thella New Member

    I'm new to the site, but not to this feeling. I've been suicidal since I was a child. I recently spent time under IP care at a local mental health facility. The nurse working admissions told me I had "battle fatigue". I was diagnosed with PTSD (already knew that) and Bi-polar Disorder. I can't afford the meds. I can't afford therapy. I am buried in medical debt from previous surgeries. I can't afford to finish college. I am tired. I feel like I have been fighting my whole life and I just don't know if I can keep going. I don't have family to fall back on. My friends have distanced themselves from me ever since I got help. That is a whole new kind of pain since I do not tend to trust people or make friends easily. The rejection has added to the despair. The only thing tethering me is my daughter. I feel like I have failed her. She has godparents that would adopt her in a heart beat if something happened to me and give her the life I will never be able to. It feels selfish to keep her from having that kind of life. She is young enough not to remember me, or even if she did it wouldn't be traumatizing if I died. Things are getting worse and I am losing my grip. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I am scared, I am hurting, I am lonely, I am tired, and I am running out of options and will power.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey there!

    what country are you in?

    you may be eligible for disability payments and government sponsored health care

    in the us, you might be able to get medicaid

    we might be able to help!

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. Topyka

    Topyka New Member

    Just try to focus on one thing at a time. Organize your priorities and try to make the best out of your situation, atleast you have some sort of family, and do you really think that another person will be a better parent than you? wait a few years, try to figure out what to do and then see what your daughter thinks. She might have a different view on things.
  4. mytime

    mytime Active Member

    I second Topyka's advice. Try to focus on what's most important to you. From the way you're talking about your daughter, it sounds like she may be it. So, maybe you can take one more step towards living, for her sake (posting here is a good start!). BTW You make me realize how lucky I am that there are many free services where I live. Maybe there's something or someone who can get along side you where you hare. Have you exhausted all avenues for help? Could you return to hospital (I'd say you should be there).

    You're almost certainly wrong about that. I am often amazed at how strong the bond of love from a child towards their parent(s) is. Much stronger than the reverse. You see lots of scum bag patents who do the most horrific things to their kids but, if the kids are removed, often they desperately want to go back to their parents. You're not like that. You may not be the best parent imaginable, but you don't want to hurt her. It seems to me, she's probably always going to want you in her life. Even if you're already dead.

    Depression makes it hard to see this kind of truth. Perhaps its because we so desperately want a way out. Or perhaps we just can't see the reality of the bonds we have. My family is the best thing that's happen to me but when I'm deeply depressed I often wish I was on my own. Then I could just do what I wanted and die. But we're not and our deaths will hurt others. It's not fair but it's how it is.

    I wish I had more than words for you ...
  5. 1dayatatime

    1dayatatime Member

    I've seen adopted children wonder why. Focus on why. Don't deprive your daughter or yourself of knowing her father. Despite her young age, as she gets older she'll always wonder who and what you are. Don't let her wonder - show her. It's not easy, but would you want to cheat yourself from seeing her graduate, walking her down the aisle and seeing her smile when she shows you your grandchild?
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