Battling through the night

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ace, May 17, 2011.

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  1. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I've been battling through each night putting my alarm clock on ready to get up and attempt.I've struggled to get out of bed I don't know if I am too lazy or such a coward.I've also had the Train in mind but that's been on my mind for so long and I've been considering it strongly especially at night.I can't deal with all this pain anymore it's far too much.

    At times I wonder do I have it really in me to do something,I don't know how long I can keep coping and resisting this.My life is a real joke no one would swap their life/lives for mine.I've done all I pretty much can now and can't fight this anymore,I'm stuck as hell especially when nothing helps or works:sad::sad::sad:.
  2. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Hi again.
    I'm in a bad place myself but what is going on?
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Ace,
    Put that train out of your mind.. If you have ever seen what it does to a body you wouldn't even consider it..The town I live in has alot of trasients.. At least once a year someone does that and it tears the shit out of the body..Just forget that o.k.?? Stay with us and we will continue supporting you,,
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Oh train please..
    I read an account of a train death on another forum last night and the poor person was under there trapped alive for 2 hours before death came..a very painful end..
    you don't deserve that..
    keep reaching out ok..
    you have many friends here who would miss you dearly..*hug*
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hi how are you?I'm severely depressed struggling badly with my OCD,BDD and Anxiety.Thank you all for your warm support I can't tell the number of times I've been near the train line imagining being infront or under the train.I can imagine it being really messy,I just was or am hoping for a quick fire way to end it all:sad::sad::sad:.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    Please don't set your alarm at all...
  7. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Last night I couldn't resist but to set it nearly every hour:sad::sad::sad:.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Throw the thing away, fling it out the window, smash it with a hammer and don't buy a new one. Don't set your cell phone either.

    I'm sorry to have missed you online, keep safe please. Or call someone if you don't feel safe.
  9. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thanks very much for your concern and support.Trying to be positive a bit hard right now:sad::sad::sad:.
  10. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I'm depressed. More importantly- How are you doing?
    Please don't end your life. I'm glad that you are still here.
    I hope you are doing better today.
  11. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thanks I'm having terrible mood swings,OCD is really bad and Anxiety as well.So much troubling me right now and struggling to keep going really.How are you doing?i hope you're ok.
  12. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Hi Ace, I'm sorry that everything seems bad at the moment :( I hope you will hang in there. Maybe turn on some calming music and try to fall asleep from it. Please don't hurt yourself. I'm hoping you're okay.
  13. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hi Autumn thanks for your nice thoughts and reply,struggling badly with Anxirty today and Ocd mainly along with the usual depression and BDD.Too much on my mind struggling to keep doing this anymore,I hate life really badly.
  14. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Hey Ace,
    You're welcome.
    I'm sorry that today wasn't much better for you :(
    I hear you- I'm not happy with life either.
    Are you on any meds?Please continue to hang in there.
  15. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thank you Autumn I bless you that you get better asap.Yep I'm on meds Valdoxan,Abilify,Lithium and sometime Seroquel as well.They don't see to really help much.How about you,are you on any meds?
  16. kote

    kote Account Closed

    hi ace, i hope you are feeling better but i can understand your pain and frustation. ive been medicated for 4 years now and still feel suicidal every week at some point. ive come to a point where fighting it all is just too hard and its better to be medicated and in bed than dead.
    it sounds like youve tried a good mix of meds which i also did - it takes tweeking every now and again. my latest which helped is lorazapam - its a slow relaxing med.
    sleepless nights are the worst - im on 10 pills for sleeping - but still have nights wide awake. it destroys your mind and body.
    is it possible for you to see your dr. asap to change your meds to something more effective.
    also with your alarm clock - clock watching is torture - ive banned all clocks from the bedroom. i recomend you do the same.
    i feel your pain and you probably just want your life back as i do!!! but we need to recover first. take care of your health first!!!
  17. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Ace - I had and have a lot trouble with sleepless nights - so I generally stayed up and done something - maybe writing, some music. I mess about with computers, build them, fix them, but I'm bored with that right now. I got about 5 tower cases and parts to build them up - usually give the old rebuilds away - still good enough to process music and a bit of video - plus Photoshop and so on works.

    I got a room full of parts - hard drives, memory, motherboards and lots of video cards and a few decent sound cards also.

    Even so I feel the need to do something with my hands - I don't mean caressing a women, I mean work, creating something. I'm thinking even a bird-box would be something, plus I have a camera and microphone to put it it.

    I want the smell of freshly sawn timber - to join in the daily chorus of male bonding as we drill, hammer and use tools. I miss work - but had to say good bye to manual work a while back.

    We need something to nurture Ace, something to grow and create. Worse luck when we don't often feel that drive that would in the past make us do things. But luck can change Ace, and the way we see the world can change also, via a myriad of things, an A to Z of reasons we could have for living.

    What is it Ace that you enjoyed in the past?

    PS, I know a train driver - he has never ran over anyone but quite a few have.

    Some get guilty - go to the funeral, see the family a few times.

    As for these meds - keep your eye on the changes afoot in the world of research into depression, new meds are being tested all the time - some are piloted for use in the real world after they go through the drug testing process.

    We are mapping the human brain - starting to see depression in DNA, we even have a few on 'pacemakers' that have a tiny wire inserted into the brain - targeting an area which looks like it may be responsible for the electrical, chemical and biological changes which cause severe clinical depression.

    Of course, the way we live our lives will always impact on how we feel emotionally. I know depression forces isolation but I know also that when you have got some energy and do make the effort - even if its something like going to the shops, church or your mosque, or some once a week work out or something.

    I don't know about your family that much Ace - you have said something but with a lot of people bringing up a lot of detail I forget.

    Is there family out there?

    Hope some of this helps you make it through the night.

    Try reading if you can - I know a lot of us have kind of slipped out of that habit - and we read snatches of books these days - or download a million and get an headache reading on the laptop screen!

    Reading or writing, its good for the soul.

    Good luck Ace, hope you feel better as the days get lighter.
  18. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    hope you feeling a little easier Ace. dealing with so many things at the same time obviously causes mental there anything you find relaxes you a wont deal with all your issues but might calm you enough to switch off bad thoughts. pls forget the train...nasty nasty...and not a way for those you leave behind to just pass on your pain. is there someone you can call or talk to in rl to explain how you feel?

    try and focus on the positives you have...and you do have them..just try and focus on those.

    i am going to disable every train in the uk so you might as well stop those thoughts

    keep posting here for support, we all need your input.

  19. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Ace, You are welcome. Maybe you need your meds upper and or changed?
    No, I'm not on any meds.
  20. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your replies I'm still struggling quite badly trying but struggling to be honest.Autumn I've been on my current meds for nearly two months and the others for alot longer,My Dr doesn't want to really touch things at the moment I'm sure.All that's going on in my head are ways to end it all I'm so sick of all the conditions.
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