Hey Ace - I had and have a lot trouble with sleepless nights - so I generally stayed up and done something - maybe writing, some music. I mess about with computers, build them, fix them, but I'm bored with that right now. I got about 5 tower cases and parts to build them up - usually give the old rebuilds away - still good enough to process music and a bit of video - plus Photoshop and so on works.
I got a room full of parts - hard drives, memory, motherboards and lots of video cards and a few decent sound cards also.
Even so I feel the need to do something with my hands - I don't mean caressing a women, I mean work, creating something. I'm thinking even a bird-box would be something, plus I have a camera and microphone to put it it.
I want the smell of freshly sawn timber - to join in the daily chorus of male bonding as we drill, hammer and use tools. I miss work - but had to say good bye to manual work a while back.
We need something to nurture Ace, something to grow and create. Worse luck when we don't often feel that drive that would in the past make us do things. But luck can change Ace, and the way we see the world can change also, via a myriad of things, an A to Z of reasons we could have for living.
What is it Ace that you enjoyed in the past?
PS, I know a train driver - he has never ran over anyone but quite a few have.
Some get guilty - go to the funeral, see the family a few times.
As for these meds - keep your eye on the changes afoot in the world of research into depression, new meds are being tested all the time - some are piloted for use in the real world after they go through the drug testing process.
We are mapping the human brain - starting to see depression in DNA, we even have a few on 'pacemakers' that have a tiny wire inserted into the brain - targeting an area which looks like it may be responsible for the electrical, chemical and biological changes which cause severe clinical depression.
Of course, the way we live our lives will always impact on how we feel emotionally. I know depression forces isolation but I know also that when you have got some energy and do make the effort - even if its something like going to the shops, church or your mosque, or some once a week work out or something.
I don't know about your family that much Ace - you have said something but with a lot of people bringing up a lot of detail I forget.
Is there family out there?
Hope some of this helps you make it through the night.
Try reading if you can - I know a lot of us have kind of slipped out of that habit - and we read snatches of books these days - or download a million and get an headache reading on the laptop screen!
Reading or writing, its good for the soul.
Good luck Ace, hope you feel better as the days get lighter.