Bearly Hanging On

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Forsaken Heretic, Mar 13, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Forsaken Heretic

    Forsaken Heretic Well-Known Member

    My head is giving me life or death
    But I can't choose.​

    I once read a banner that said -- “I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.” but hell I feel like I’m being attacked by months not days. I’ve been having a pretty bad couple of months and I can’t take it anymore. I haven’t cut in a while, I’ve SIed in other ways, just not cut -- yet. I feel like the world is out to murder me, and I wish it’d just get it over with.

    Since I haven’t cut as much in the past few months, I've started using other methods of SI. I realized this last night, and made me feel really bad. I didn't even mean to start any other form of self injury.

    What’s worse is recently I’ve been feeling like ‘what am I even doing here? Where’s the meaning in my life?’ and I haven’t thought like that since I was in high school.

    I got into this huge fight with my husband last night, and I ended up doing and saying things that I can’t take back, but the worst of it was I told him that I wish I was dead, and I wanted to kill myself. I’m still having those thoughts, though not as bad as last night, but they’re still there. Now I’m scared because last night my husband said that I better start thinking about seeing a doctor and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. I’ve seen counselors while in high school and I hated talking to them.

    I haven’t been able to deal with anything stressful what-so-ever, and I’ve been getting really frustrated for the past few months, angry, and depressed and yes it‘s always been hard for me to control my emotions, but it seems worse. I want it all to stop -- I can’t take it anymore and I’m afraid I’ll lost control and cut again. I like the cuts but I hate the scars, that’s why I’m trying so hard not to, but I can feel myself slowly slipping.

    I don’t know what to do …
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's a good idea to see a doctor about your suicidal feelings. it's good you told your husband, even though it was in the middle of an argument. don't let a previous bad experience wiht counselling keep you from getting help, you deserve to feel better, and once you are suicidal it can really hard to climb out of that without some help.

    you are very strong to survive in the face of these overwhelming feelings, but it's time to take that next step,

    let me know how you get on?

  3. Forsaken Heretic

    Forsaken Heretic Well-Known Member

    I think one thing that's keeping me from going is that fact the my family will find out. I really really don't want them to know, but I'm very close with my mom and she'll start asking a lot of questions and I don't even know what to say to her.

    Anything that's ever been wrong with me, she seems to think "Oh it's not that bad, you can handle it on your own." Even when I should have gotten help.

    I'm really really scared to tell her about any of it.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Yeah, I get that. It's the same way about my family. Fact is, they don't know much about depression.

    You can see the counsellor first, and then work on what to say to your family later, if you even want to.

    Doctors are bound by confidentiality laws, they won't tell anyone. I live in a small village in Ireland and even I managed to work up the nerve to talk to my local doctor. He was great... I just said how low I was feeling and he took it from there...

  5. Forsaken Heretic

    Forsaken Heretic Well-Known Member

    I feel like my family really wont understand. My mom know's a bit on the Self Injury/Depression topic, but all her comments have always been negitive, it makes me really nervous.

    Thanks though, I'll really think about it. I'm getting really tired of feeling this way, and if he only way to get these feelings to go away is to talk to someone, I guess that's just what I'll have to do.

    I don't know -- will see what happens I guess.
    Thanks again.
  6. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    Hi -

    Seeing a doctor will more than likely help for you. I just posted about my experience with cutting last week - I told my exfiance about my suicidal thoughts and about my cutting, and he turned around and walked off and didn't help. It seems that your husband wants you to get better and seems like he will be there to help you - and I can tell you from my experience THAT IS GOING TO HELP A LOT.

    Take care of YOURself - worry about what others are going to think or say LATER. Best thing to do is not worry about what others are going to say or think PERIOD but it's hard for me to do that. My mom wasn't the type that understood until now. The people that care about me are starting to see that this depression thing is not something I am inflicting on myself or something I can turn off like a light switch - and that may help your family see that you are indeed suffering and you need support.

    I wish you the best - please let us know how you are doing, ok? Stay strong!
  7. Forsaken Heretic

    Forsaken Heretic Well-Known Member

    Thanks Bluefish, I appreciate the support.

    I know that my Husband will be behind me when I do decided to get help. He is very supportive and I know he only wants the best for me and only wants me to get better. I know the only reason I haven’t gotten help yet is because of me and my own fears. I can’t exactly put into words what I’m afraid of -- it may be a combination of things, like my family, or maybe the fact that I don’t know what I’ll do without self injury and I’m afraid to take the next step.

    It’s hard for me not to worry about what my mother’s going to think of it all. Believe me, if I could be one of those kids who didn’t give a shit what their parents thought of them, it would probably be a lot easier for me to do certain things. Sadly I’ve spent my whole life worrying about how something I did would make my mom feel.

    I think for the most part I’ve been a very good daughter. I haven’t put my mom through many rough situations and I pretty much walked the line [so to speak] as best I could. So after trying my whole life to not create a disturbance in the family, it’s hard for me to now consider making my problems known when I know it will cause a problem with my family. Or more so with my mom.

    I have this hypothetical conversation in my head in the way my mom would voice her dislike about my cutting, and though it may be true or not, it scares the crap out of me. I feel like all this is what’s standing in the way of me getting the help I know I need. I just need to figure out how to get past it all.

    Thanks again though, and I’ll just shut up now, that was really long and I doubt anyone wants to read long ramblings.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You don't have to let your mom know what is going on because you seek outside help. Maybe if you actively seek help she would be forced to face the fact it is a problem and not one that is easily fixed. It is an addiction and takes time to recover from. So many people do not understand that. They would not hesitate to encourage you to seek help if it were a drug or alcohol addiction. It is time to take care of your needs and worry about theirs when you are healed. We will be here to help support you should you wish us to be. Take care. :hug:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.