Bear's journey

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by beartrap, Jan 19, 2007.

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  1. beartrap

    beartrap Guest

    Look, I dont have the qualifications to be on here. I've never hung myself or taken too many pills. But I can count at least 5 times I've seriously looked at the shower curtain rod and pulled my dressing gown chord to test it for strength.

    I'm here because I know I'm only a step away from doing something stupid.
    I was looking on the internet how many pills I'd have to take to say goodbye and I found you (Jeeez, there's no decent info on the internet these days).

    When I got in here just now, I found people in the shout box who said Hi! That made me feel better.
    I'm not a loon or anything, just a bit of a mess at the moment. I have a good job that I'm hanging on to with my fingertips.
    I'm 32, alone and in a really desolate place.
  2. amicus

    amicus Antiquitie's Friend

    You are in luck. We don't require qualifications here. Welcome. I am 34 and I relate to your desolation. Forget the pills. Try talking to us. Feel free to message me. Glad your here.
  3. beartrap

    beartrap Guest

    Amicus, thanks.

    I'm posting this because I need it out there.

    The first time we met in London in the autumn was magical and I have my first image of this beautiful girl standing in the sun at Baker St tube station etched in my heart forever. We had a great day (National Gallery, nice restaurant for lunch, London eye, tourist stuff), but it was just friends. Then the following week, we started talking more on the phone and the emails became more involved – I mean HOURS on the phone. She visited her doctor to get a prescription for the pill – that’s how sure we were that this was right. We had phone conversations where the predominant theme was “I just know it’s right, it feels right”. A couple of weeks later she drove to see me to stay for the weekend – a huge amount of expectation had built up. I kissed her the moment she walked in the door. She pulled out of her bag a lacy camisole and announced that it was all she was going to wear all weekend.

    It was the most incredible weekend!!

    After that the emails and phone calls continued and we agreed that it was perfect – that was confirmation for me that this was going to work even though I had my doubts. We’d met a couple of times and I was absolutely besotted. I really believe that she was too back then. But I realize now that a lot of it was the pink cloud of the quit.

    I went to see her a couple of weekends later when Charlie (her 5yo) was staying with his dad. The Friday evening in her house was slightly awkward but the bedroom antics were hot and all seemed fine when we woke up on the Saturday morning.

    Something was up though and she asked me to leave at about 1pm on the Saturday. She said that she felt claustrophobic; naturally, I left.

    The next week we talked even more on the phone and she told me that she felt silly for asking me to leave. She said that she had talked to people about her fear of commitment and that all was fine again now. We talked about getting married, having children and about a love forever. It was real again – it was more than real, it was a dream.

    Then I visited her a couple more times and met Charlie – a visit to the zoo. I got on really well with him (decided that is was important to get on with her kid!!!)

    But then she explained that she didn’t want a relationship – this was in late November.

    I was upset but dealt with it OK. I told her that I needed time to get used to the idea that it hadn’t worked. I said I’d send her a Christmas card but not be in touch for a while in the mean time.

    I sent her a card and a bottle of her favorite perfume at Christmas time. All that time I was “getting used to the idea of us not being together”, I was brooding and I imagined that a bottle of perfume and a card could make it right again. It didn’t work.

    I sent her a miserable text message on NYE and tried to phone her 3 times. Then I drank. And I’ve been drinking on and off and on again since then really.

    I know that people get together and break up all the time and, Christ, we weren’t married or anything. In fact, we hardly knew each other but it just seemed so perfect. I’d quit drinking in September and immediately, finally met the girl I thought I’d been waiting all my life for. It just seemed so perfect and I placed her on a pedestal where she remains for me. None of this is her fault because I chased her as well, but she became knitted into my quit and because my relationship with her failed I feel my September quit was invalidated and that let all sorts of dark thoughts generate for me mixed in with the rejection.

    I phoned her on her birthday (12th Jan - didn’t send a card). She suggested we meet (tomorrow 4pm – Saturday for a “coffee and a chin-wag”). I’ve said no because I’m still in love with her and it wont help but I’m tempted to wait at Baker St station at 4pm because I’m in love with her.

    Tonight, it all just became too much and that burst of warnth that you get in your tum when you think "it's OK, I could always kill myself if it gets too bad" became very real tonight.

    Please help me through this.
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hye, welcome to SF :)

    Glad you've joined.

    Hope to see you around the forum

    Take care

  5. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    welcome to the forum, your in the right place... thanks for sharing your story it is pretty touching to say the least.. I hope that things do work out, I hope you stay with us..
  6. amicus

    amicus Antiquitie's Friend

    Hey Bear,
    Wow! We'll get through this. I promise. I have to begin with the fact that you are quite a romantic. So many women would love to have someone like you. You are so sweet! But, let's think about this. If this relationship puts you life and self worth at risk, is it worth it? Not only I am an alcoholic who understands what you are going through, but I tried to take my life over my soul mate. Nothing hurts more than the thought of being without them. Nothing more hopeless or helpless. I almost died. You don't have to. I had to learn to look within myself for strenght and solidarity. Your getting past this must rely from within. You can do this. Some woman is out there waiting for you. Maybe it's her, maybe it's not. Value yourself. You have the power. Some woman will be very lucky to find you. You must be strong. You will be, I know.
  7. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Hey there and welcome to the forum. :)

  8. beartrap

    beartrap Guest

    Wow!!! Thank you for the posts people.
    I just dont understand how it's got so bad - I've never really considered ending it all before. It just seemed such a welcome door out of all this earlier tonight.

    Yer, the drinking...
    I need to knock that on the head. I'm not that drunk now but just drove up to the 24hr Tesco for some more wine (oh, and pork pies, smoked salmon, microwave food and pot noodle - to disguise the booze in the basket!)

    I think one of my saving graces is that I dont really know how I'd kill myself. I'd be terrified of waking up after a pill overdose. It's strange that it's not an option accepted by society; there were no suicide pills on the shelves in Tesco.

    I just have to work through my broken heart. Heal and get back to sucking pleasure out of this life. I'm so in awe of people who can get up day after day and be happy.
  9. I come across this place in a similar don't need qualifications, but it's great to have you with us :)
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. This is a great place to find support. As was mentioned above, you do not have to "qualify" to be here. Some members have atempted, some have thought about it, some have not, but all of our feelings are just as realand hurt just as much. I am glad you were welcomed whenyou were in chat. That really is what our community is all about. Take care. :hug:
  11. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome to SF

    I hope you find some support here :hug:

    Vikki x
  12. beartrap

    beartrap Guest

    Thanks so much peeps.
  13. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    wow that was a really long story between you both, or at least, from your side(and that´s the one i care of course). well i don´t know where to start, but i think you are a good person and you shouldn´t be feeling like this.I know how alcohol can fade away all the suffering inside(at least for a while), and i know it will be hard for you to do something else instead it, but if you want we can talk about it. well, i think that you are doing right, by steping away from her, because that relationship brought you a lot of pain. Is not bad to let her know that you still there, like sending her a postal or a gift, but you shouldn´t wait for any reply. May be, when she feels ready, she will contact you, but you for now must keep with your life. i know you´ll find some friends or at least someone who feels like you here, and i hope you can start feeling better. I don´t know if you will care about what i say because i´m a female of 18 yo, but i hope this post help you a little, i may not have the experience to tell you something but that was what i think about it. well i wanted to tell you, that you can pm me at any time because i always go and come around and i´ll be glad to help you.Well i think i almost forgot to say something really imprtant: welcome to the forum!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    remember pm me at anytime if you need it.
    Take care;)
  14. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum!!:smile: We're a good lot with listening ears and strong shoulders to cry on or lean on. Talk to us, we'll listen!:smile:


  15. BrokenPieces

    BrokenPieces Well-Known Member

    welcome to the forum...

    Love BP
  16. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni

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