Amicus, thanks.
I'm posting this because I need it out there.
The first time we met in London in the autumn was magical and I have my first image of this beautiful girl standing in the sun at Baker St tube station etched in my heart forever. We had a great day (National Gallery, nice restaurant for lunch, London eye, tourist stuff), but it was just friends. Then the following week, we started talking more on the phone and the emails became more involved – I mean HOURS on the phone. She visited her doctor to get a prescription for the pill – that’s how sure we were that this was right. We had phone conversations where the predominant theme was “I just know it’s right, it feels right”. A couple of weeks later she drove to see me to stay for the weekend – a huge amount of expectation had built up. I kissed her the moment she walked in the door. She pulled out of her bag a lacy camisole and announced that it was all she was going to wear all weekend.
It was the most incredible weekend!!
After that the emails and phone calls continued and we agreed that it was perfect – that was confirmation for me that this was going to work even though I had my doubts. We’d met a couple of times and I was absolutely besotted. I really believe that she was too back then. But I realize now that a lot of it was the pink cloud of the quit.
I went to see her a couple of weekends later when Charlie (her 5yo) was staying with his dad. The Friday evening in her house was slightly awkward but the bedroom antics were hot and all seemed fine when we woke up on the Saturday morning.
Something was up though and she asked me to leave at about 1pm on the Saturday. She said that she felt claustrophobic; naturally, I left.
The next week we talked even more on the phone and she told me that she felt silly for asking me to leave. She said that she had talked to people about her fear of commitment and that all was fine again now. We talked about getting married, having children and about a love forever. It was real again – it was more than real, it was a dream.
Then I visited her a couple more times and met Charlie – a visit to the zoo. I got on really well with him (decided that is was important to get on with her kid!!!)
But then she explained that she didn’t want a relationship – this was in late November.
I was upset but dealt with it OK. I told her that I needed time to get used to the idea that it hadn’t worked. I said I’d send her a Christmas card but not be in touch for a while in the mean time.
I sent her a card and a bottle of her favorite perfume at Christmas time. All that time I was “getting used to the idea of us not being together”, I was brooding and I imagined that a bottle of perfume and a card could make it right again. It didn’t work.
I sent her a miserable text message on NYE and tried to phone her 3 times. Then I drank. And I’ve been drinking on and off and on again since then really.
I know that people get together and break up all the time and, Christ, we weren’t married or anything. In fact, we hardly knew each other but it just seemed so perfect. I’d quit drinking in September and immediately, finally met the girl I thought I’d been waiting all my life for. It just seemed so perfect and I placed her on a pedestal where she remains for me. None of this is her fault because I chased her as well, but she became knitted into my quit and because my relationship with her failed I feel my September quit was invalidated and that let all sorts of dark thoughts generate for me mixed in with the rejection.
I phoned her on her birthday (12th Jan - didn’t send a card). She suggested we meet (tomorrow 4pm – Saturday for a “coffee and a chin-wag”). I’ve said no because I’m still in love with her and it wont help but I’m tempted to wait at Baker St station at 4pm because I’m in love with her.
Tonight, it all just became too much and that burst of warnth that you get in your tum when you think "it's OK, I could always kill myself if it gets too bad" became very real tonight.
Please help me through this.
