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Beatdowns journal

Discussion in 'Self Care and Healthy Lifestyles' started by beatdown, Jun 11, 2016.

  1. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Decided to give this thread journaling thing a shot.

    The goals I must fulfill:

    Get sober
    Eat atleast 80% healthy
    Stop isolating
    Heal my mind - by reading, journaling, using mindfullness, learning healthy coping mechanisms...
    Believe I'm worthy

    Maybe for the first time in my life I will feel some real self esteem by staying on this path.
    Brian777 and Butterfly like this.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Very good goals! You are definitely worthy. Good luck!!
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    @beatdown I'm so proud of you! These are wonderful goals! Rooting for you all the way!
  4. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Thanks :)

    So a late journal entry for 11th. It will be a while before i can sleep anyway.

    Hungover and tired all day but I got some stuff done. Barely ate and when i did i almost vomited. My legs and hands shake now almost all the time and it seems i cant sit still without twisting and turning my hands and feet. Speaking has never been harder than it is now, both becouse i got to pause and take it slow to be able to form sentences, but also becouse of the stiffness of my lower face and tongue, certainly brought on from years of holding tension and sadness in my jaw. I feel like a broken person, inside out and like my body is an empty shell. Instead of an unfamiliar young assertive man living inside it, I feel like a lost child; naive, dumb, scared and impulsive, walking through an endless field of mud.

    How did this happen?
    I was upset earlier as my mother reminded me of how perfect of a mother she was and how I didn't make sense when I withdrew from her in my early teens. She explains how she knows so much about parenting and I was sweet boy, formed by her, which everyone liked, suddenly turning against her.

    I'm still a bit confused and doubt myself about how I remember things. I've raged against myself many times about that if I misunderstood it all its all my fault for causing such pain to the family. But if I think clearly and remember, I know what she did and how she behaved around me would make any child react the way I did. As I learn about covert incest of a child and how damaging it can be even without any touching, I think i can learn to go a bit easy on myself for how it caused so much pain and damage to me. Accepting it however I cant imagine.
  5. Frank

    Frank Member

    Have you even considered that you might made an AVC? A few of the problems you have seems to go in that direction. Please come and talk to us. We might be able to help you. Please I beg of you.