Beaten Down By Life

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by micon, Sep 2, 2011.

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  1. micon

    micon Member

    I've been so depressed lately. I'm a new member and can't post this in a section that may be more appropriate, so this will do for now. I suffered a herniated disc injury as a result of chiropractic treatment and have been having a hard time finding a lawyer to take my case. This has been a life altering injury. I used to pride myself on doing things myself-being independent-and now I'm totally dependent on my sister and mother. I have a hard time doing the things I used to like carrying my groceries, bending at the waist to reach into the trunk of my car (movements I took for granted). I'm angry. I feel wronged by the chiropractor and I wish I had the money to pursue a lawsuit. I feel like the justice system is designed for those with money.

    Without getting into more details about my injury, I'll try to make this brief. I have suffered from depression all my life but since May (when my injury occurred), I've spiraled into a darkness. I've been suicidal and having a hard time moving forward. I just feel hopeless and feel so damaged by this injury. I feel like a burden. I'm single and recently moved back to live with my mother. She is emotionally abusive when angry and doesn't understand depression. Things don't turn out in my favor. I feel really bad about myself and part of the problem is living at home, but I'm strapped for cash and feel trapped in the meantime. Lots of thoughts of suicide. I don't know how much more I can take from life. Any words of support and kindness are greatly welcome as I'm quite starved for that at the moment. I cry as I type this because I feel so helpless and alone. I don't have a partner and no kids. Makes it hard to have something to live for when I look at whether life is worth living. I feel a lot of shame talking about this, not the suicidal feelings, but just voicing my own feelings. It's like I don't feel like I have a right to speak about how I feel. That's been the message sent to me all my life by family ('stuff your feelings and shame on you for talking about how you feel'). Sure I've been in therapy and worked on myself and these issues and there are times when I feel strong but lately I've just felt so beaten down by life. Living at home doesn't help. Like things just haven't gone my way for a very long time. I look back on my younger years when more things went my way but as I get older that's not the case. I've written more than I planned, so I'll stop here. Sorry to burden you with my problems. I feel so much shame. Just want to hide and disappear.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I truly know what you are talking about, as I was recently diagnosed with a degenerative disorder which has interfered greatly in my independence and am in constant pain...I too feel broken and useless at times, but was recently confronted by a dear friend who asked what benefit I have gotten from this experience...I really wanted to punch him, but I am still allowing myself to process this...please know that there are many ppl here who have had to move home...your mother sounds awful...hopefully, you will not take her abusive as being a reflection of you...it is not! It is her pathology, and I am sure awful to live with...please keep posting and PM me if I can help...welcome again, J
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome, micon! :hug: Thanks for letting us get to know more about your situation. Take care....Mr. A
     
  4. micon

    micon Member

    mr a. and sadeyes,
    thanks for your kind words of support. if i could only feel like i'm worthy. if i could beat the depression this time, life might seem worth living, but the depression has been with me all my life (with and without the meds). I just don’t feel like I have any fight left in me. I’m running on empty. I wish I was strong enough to not believe the messages my mother sends my way. When I’m extremely depressed, I’m so vulnerable to verbal abuse, especially by my mother. Living at home doesn’t help. My depression has only gotten worse recently. I’ll check in again. Thank you again for listening and writing me.
     
  5. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you. :hug: Thanks for writing back, and take care. I'll keep an eye out for any new posts of yours. ~ Sincerely, Alex ~
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel... Being in constant pain. I had a herniated disc.. Had a good surgeon and with in two week I was back to work..I had to wear a back brace but hey I was out there..It took about a year before I functioned normal again.. That was my choice because I wanted time to build up calcium around that disc.. I haven't had any problems with it since..Thats been about twenty years now..They told me I would be back in five to have the discs fused to gether.. Well I showed them..lol...Find yourself a good orthopdeic surgeon..
     
  7. micon

    micon Member

    one doctor wants recommends a laminectomy and spinal fusion PLIF. that freaks me out. i have mild degenerative disc disease only in L5 (the herniated disc is causing stenosis in that part of my back), all my other discs are normal. my concern is nerve damage in my left leg and what the future holds for me if i leave it as is vs. undergoing surgery. i’m trying to see a neurosurgeon but my doctor will not refer me (i have an hmo)! i’m going to pay out of pocket to get a neurosurgeon’s opinion. i can’t imaging living my life in pain. i do not want to live like this. this isn’t a life.
     
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