Beautifully depressing dreams.

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I keep thinking about these so I thought I would share.

A few years ago I had this dream. I only had one dog at the time, but I had two in the dream. The only reasons I'm still alive are because I'm afraid and because I would miss my family.. This dream went and incorporated both those ideas.

I was talking to my little sister in the dream, and somehow the topic of suicide came up. I told her that I wanted to go through with it, but I couldn't because I was afraid of missing my family. Not entirely sure how it all went about, but she said she would help me and we plotted how it would go.

She was to kill my parents and one dog, and I had to kill the other. I don't remember how we were supposed to kill them.. I just remember it had something to do with a knife and eletricution. So I get the dog and I tried doing it one way and I just couldn't. So I tied something around her and I'm not sure if it was the cord to electricute her or if I was going to hang her then cut like people do with chickens.. But I did it, and I still couldn't kill her. I kind of paniced and ran off to my sister.

I got to her and asked if she had killed them yet, and she said she had. She was calm.. I wasn't.. My parents and one dog were gone and they were a huge reason why I wanted to stay around.. I loved them more than anything. I wanted to join them and continue on but I just couldn't. I couldn't find it in myself to kill my puppy or me.

That dream was strange, but it made me realize that it doesn't matter how much I hate my life.. It isn't going to change the fact that I'm too much of a coward to go through with suicide.

Then just recently I had another dream once again featuring my dog. I don't remember the reasoning behind this, but I had to break her leg in the dream. Intentionally break it.. And this dog is like my baby. I care for and love her like I would an actual person. But I had to break her leg.. So I kept telling myself that I could do it now.. Started to and she kind of growled at me.. I just kept telling myself I could do it, though. I could do it and afterwards I could apologize in some way and she would forgive me because she loves me, but then I also kept doubting that.. What if she wouldn't love me? Would her love be the same for me after I intentionally hurt her? Could she forgive me? Then I woke up. It was so weird and it felt random at the time until I gave it deep thought. Maybe I made this connection through all the bullshit ideas that were running through my head, or maybe they are logical, but.. I realized the act of breaking her leg could in a way be what I'm doing to my own body right now. I overeat and I gain weight and I don't try to help myself at all, in the weight department or with my current mental state. I keep telling myself that it's okay, though. I can screw with this now and eventually I'll start to care and then I can fix things. That's what I tell myself. But it's pretty much the same thing.. If she might not care for me after I break her little leg on purpose, how the hell could I care about myself after I've neglectfully and intentionally hurt myself?
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