Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Apr 8, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Now I know that to the majority of people I am classed as 'ugly' it used to bother me when I was younger. But these days I don't tend to care much.
    Though of course occasionally someone will say or react to me and it makes me feel like shit.

    I'll be honest right now. I'm 15 years old, I wear all black clothes. I wear a lot of makeup, straighten my hair; though I am scruffy with my clothes. I just wear tights, shorts, boots, hoodie, mesh gloves, Skull bags/Jewellery.
    A lot of people do think I am ugly. You know I don't mind that, I find most people really ugly, so ugly that I don't even want to look at them. That's my opinion though I keep it to myself, not going to tell them it, wouldn't want to cause them any negative feelings about themselves.
    But I've noticed the amount of people who look at me in a bad way.
    I do get a lot of compliments, or people asking about my outfits. They're usually from older people.
    Anyone below the age of 25 sometimes stares at me in disgust. I've had people insult me. I've had people look at me and I can see that one word they are thinking, they think I'm damaged because the stereotype of anyone who dresses as I do is that we are 'messed up'.
    I've had people lean out of their cars to stare at me, I've had people honk their car. I've had people stop in the street and look at me. This is not paranoia when someone literally stands 6ft away and stares at you.

    I've also seen peoples faces when they've looked at my left arm. People sometimes wince, go pale, look away. I am banned from leaving the house without my mesh gloves on because my mother is so embarrassed by the amount of scars. Because of the state of my arms I am the only one in my class who is able to wear the type of gloves I do. I have to ask permission to take the gloves off too.
    I am a freak to most people. I don't want to be beautiful, I just want to be treated normal.
    My fashion, my personality, my attitude, my scars (that are in the 100's) and my self destructive behaviours sickens people. Changing 1 thing won't change the rest.
    Am I that horrid that people look at me in this way?
    If I'll always be treated like this, how the hell will I live through life? I've been called a c*nt, wh*re, sl*t, b*tch, damaged goods, freak. My mother has called me selfish, that no 'decent' man will ever want me when I look like a freak from my scars.
    What is the point when it's obvious I'll always be treated like this?
  2. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    the point is that there will always be that one person who won't treat you like that. That's just a fact of life. It's up to you to decide whether he (or she) is worth waking up one more day in the hope that you may find him. :)
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Ellie Grey -

    The point is as HelgasAngel said.

    You won't always be treated in this fashion and I am sorry that you are now. You sound wonderful and unique and that I would embrace wholly. What a boring world we'd be in if we were all the same, all one pack of sheep following each other. You are not a freak at all. I wish you could know this as true. You are not horrid at all. There are reasons that you know for your scars. Perhaps those reasons could be dealt with first through talking with someone? Finally, I am sorry your mother talks to you as you have said.

    You are YOU, no one else, be proud of that. Hugs
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    People do shit like that to me too, but I just try to ignore it. If they act like that, they aren't worth your time or effort. Don't get upset over what some idiots think. I'm sorry your mom talks to you like that, no one should ever treat their children that way. I know because my mom has called me names and put me down for as long as I can remember. Keep being yourself and dressing the way you want---they should mind their own business.
  5. Duskhound

    Duskhound Member

    People who scorn you, who judge you without reason and who would harm you without remorse are the people who are truly ugly, Ellie. I think you see that true face, the one that so few are able to see, because like some of us they've shown you their true faces.

    The same people who claim to be kind and compassionate are the ones who will go out of their way to alienate someone like you, for the simple reason that you are different from them. Those people are nothing more than hideous monsters. For you to overcome them though, you must not scorn them for their ignorance, rather you should pity them for living in such a lowly state that they have to pick on someone or judge another to feel better about themselves, or that they are incapable of looking past the cover and reading the true story and beauty within.

    Beauty is not about a perfect body, long lashes, and perfect skin. If anyone wanted that they could just stare at a mannequin all day, which a lot of idiots out there do. True beauty is an image that you cannot draw out like you would a picture, true beauty is being genuine to who you really are and genuine to others around you. Being open to those who look different than you or share different views than you, showing compassion and sympathy for your fellow human, and being able to simply be yourself is beauty.

    Who cares if you have scars or wear different clothes or don't fit some ridiculous barbie doll stereotype? You sound like a person who is not afraid to express who you are and what you like through the way you present yourself. You don't wear the preppy in-styles, you wear skulls and black because they're cool! They're METAL! And best of all, they're different. What good is it looking the same as everyone else when you're not like everyone else? Because you're not. I'm not. And no matter how much people want to be, they're not.

    So you know what you should do, Ellie?

    Laugh at them. Laugh right in their big stupid ugly faces, because they'll never get to be as cool or open as you. You harbor a pain none of them can understand, and they have the guts to laugh at someone who's experienced a pain that they would wet the bed over in their nightmares.

    And one day you will be treated right by true friends, and they are out there. There's a someone for everyone, friend or lover. I know people that went through some similar stuff to you, and today as fully grown adults they're some of the strongest, kindest, and most loved people I know. Like you, they walked the hard road, but they ended up farther than those poor saps taking the cheap way out.

    Things get better, I promise you, you will not be treated like this for long. Middle school and high school SUCK for a lot of people, but once you get out, people start being real human beings again, and the more real you are, the better. You seem like you're pretty real to me, and I think you'll do just fine. I guarantee you that you will have boys all over you in a couple years. Hang in there, chin up, and remember to laugh at the dumb sods when they think they're better than you.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder-that is a very true statement. If a personality glows, looks mean nothing. One day you will find someone who will love you for you. Because when you get older, you realize how looks mean very little. I am sorry though, that you are feeling so low right now. I do hope you begin to feel better soon. :hug:
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