Because I need help,

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Liam12, Jun 25, 2015.

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  1. Liam12

    Liam12 New Member

    I'm new to this and thought I'd give this a try to hopefully feel a little better about myself to start off im a teenager a male African American and on top of that im a homosexual they never wanted to be starting out I just thought I was a regular kid I didn't know if other kids had the same thoughts as me for all I knew I was just like everybody I was molested as a child so I thought it was right for a boy to like a boy , boy was I wrong , growing up I knew I was different and tried so hard to be normal but it didn't work so I turned to other things like self harm now I know it isn't right but life is so hard for me constantly being judged or hated because of the way I am and people won't even take the time out to try and know me so I would cut myself and sometimes I fall back into that mindset like that's the only way I can't feel the pain right now life just seems so hard I mean I have a job and tons of "friends" yet I still feel so alone nobody understands the pain I endure I go day in and day out faking smiles and laughs to cover up how hurt I am , I cry myself to sleep every night wishing I was normal or wishing I was dead yet I wake up everyday it's been countless times where I've sat there with a handful of pills trying to will myself to just toss them into my mouth and swallow each and everyone of them yet I cant from fear I just don't know what to do day by day my world seems to grow darker and darker and I don't think I can take it no more I don't know what to do anymore. No person should have to go through what I do that's why I think my life would be so much easier if I wasn't here. Why can't I be normal ? Why can't I just disappear ? Why can't it all just be over ,
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi there Liam and welcome to SF!

    I am sorry to hear about what has happened to you and the great amount of pain you are in. You are right, nobody should have to go through what you went through and are still going through now. Have you ever sought help for your past experiences? I think that has a great deal to do with how you feel today and it needs addressing so it can finally stop haunting you and realise that it wasn't your fault. Just because you went through some dreadful things doesn't mean that you can't live a normal life. What is normal anyway? Most of us here know the darkness that depression brings and will offer you support when you need it. Big hugs :hug:
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hello Liam, I am sorry for your pain. First to address is your own perspective though - your statements of "i tried to be normal" for example because you are normal. Gay is not abnormal, by percentages many claim it is more common than left handed so just like a century ago until recent decades teachers tried to "fix" that and found it useless and it is now understood is not "abnormal" gay will be the same way at some point. I am sorry you live in a place or social situation where they have convinced you there is something "wrong" or that needs to be changed. Work on accepting yourself , it will be easier as you get older because you will be allowed to make your own decisions more often. It is hard when you depend on others for basic needs so are forced to listen to their opinions. Talk to your school counselor if you have one perhaps , or try to get to see a therapist to work on your self esteem. You do not need waste energy trying to be normal- you already are- spend that energy learning to feel okay about yourself despite what other small minded people may believe.
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