Because of Her?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by theOtherGuy, Jun 21, 2007.

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  1. theOtherGuy

    theOtherGuy Active Member

    Before I get into this, I apologize to you guys. All that I do is b*tch and moan. No wonder why I feel like sh*t all the time...but anyways. I've recently been bumped up to 40 mg of Prozac for about 2 weeks now. I can't say that I'm the sense that, "OH MY GOD, I'M HAPPY." More like...suicidal/depressed thoughts just aren't there that often at work. And...another reason. There's this girl, which I will call, "A," whom I really liked. She was the only reason why I looked forward to coming to work. I even remember last Friday. I knew I did so poorly on my final for Organic Chemistry, but when I saw her at work, things felt "OK."

    Long story short...time for my b*tchfess.

    Is it possible to be depressed over a girl whom you're not even with? Yeah, I really liked "A," and lately, all I can do is think about her. I can't say that I know if she liked me back...honestly, who would like me? Anyways, she use to wait for me after work so I can walk her back to her apartment. And every time I came to work, I would take a peek at her, and she would smile and wave at me in a very "excited" way. Like, a big smile and she's waving really fast...if you can picture that. This lasted since...December about, when we finally "bonded" during about March-April. She stayed during Spring Break, and I did too. We talked and walked a lot. Anyways, with things like that, I practically fell in love with the girl. I always had this notion that she "may" have liked me back...but I guess not anymore.

    I will get into that now. So, recently at work, there was this new guy that was hired in her department. Already within the first week, he was always close to her. I guess I was really jealous seeing them together. I sort of wished I could be with her at all times. Then today...when she was finally alone. Here's our short conversation for today...

    Me: "I think he likes you."
    A: "I think so too."
    Me: "Oh, why do you think so?"
    A: "Because we're going out..."
    Me: "So he IS your boyfriend?"
    A: "Well we're going out."
    Me: "This guy just starts working here and asks you out?"
    A: "I knew him, we had a class together."

    The rest of the conversation just kind of...fades from my memory. All I know is that I feel like complete SH*T. You know why? The day before, she had make-up on (which she rarely does because she's already quite beautiful), and I told her how pretty she was. She said thanks...and then I asked her if she had a date. First she said no to me a few times, then she finally said that she had a date with her boyfriend. I didn't believe her...but I F*CK*NG should have.

    I even had a dream this morning that she was with a guy and then she just ignored me for the rest of the dream, and then I walked off feeling like crap.

    So, this comes down to it now. I was feeling "OK" because she was something I could look forward too. Was that really so wrong? Now I feel like complete SH*T... I can't even think straight anymore. All I can think about is how crappy I feel. And better yet, now that I'm just depressed again...these are my thoughts:

    God I hate myself.
    Why am I so stupid for letting this happen.
    This is all my f*ck*ng fault.
    Nobody f*ck*ng likes me.
    I need to f*ck*ng kill myself.

    I'm completely hating myself right now... I haven't eaten anything since I had breakfast (before I came to work), and honestly, I don't want to eat anymore. Even worse, here I thought that things could actually be better. I even told my Psychiatrist early this week that things weren't as bad since school was over and I had "A" at work. But all of that is gone within minutes.

    In addition to that, I use to have this idea that people should NOT expect anything good to ever happen to them. When you expect something good to happen, and something bad happens, you feel like sh*t. However, when you expect NOTHING good to ever happen, and something bad happens, you were already disappointed, so nothing changed. So as of right now, I keep asking myself, "WHY THE F*CK DID I THINK THAT THINGS COULD ACTUALLY BE GOOD FOR ONCE?" I fell for my own knowledge. I knew nothing good will ever come to me...and when I thought something good would happen...what happens? EVERYTHING TURNS INTO SH*T.

  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    wow.. your story sounds alot like mine. It hurts so fuckign much.. i know, i was slamming my head against a wall when i saw the girl i loved so much loving someone else.

    whatever you do, don't lose your cool by getting angry at her in real life.. hold it in becuz if u show it things get only worse.

    right now ive given up on that girl, its a fact that she doesnt give 2 shits about me anymore.. so why should i. i dont care about life anymore..anyways.

    dont let her ruin your whole life, shes justone girl and i know ull say shes 'that' girl, but take it as a lesson and let yourself be angry.

    goodluck coping.
  3. theOtherGuy

    theOtherGuy Active Member

    I'm not angry at her. I'm really mad at myself...I let this happen. If only I had done something sooner. God, I just completely suck at this. No wonder why I'm 22 and still alone. Fuck me...

    I really liked her... All I could think about was her whenever I felt like crap. And now, since she's always on my mind, I feel like complete shit now. She was the only reason why I found some hope. I really thought we had something between us and that maybe might life could get a littler better with her by my side. BUT NO.

    Guess she was only being nice to me. Honestly, nobody gives a fuck about me. I don't know what to fucking do anymore. The suicidal thoughts are back. Last time I ate was about 7:00's 12:20 am now...and I still don't feel like eating.


    Damn me...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 22, 2007
  4. theOtherGuy

    theOtherGuy Active Member

    Okay, sorry for the double post...

    Alright, as each day goes by, I see her with her boyfriend at work almost daily. It kills me inside knowing that I can't be the one near her. As of now, I can't even talk to her in front of her boyfriend. I can't even talk to her ever...she won't give me a phone number or meet up with me even for an hour (even though I my apartment complex I just moved to is right next to hers). The first thing she always asks me is if I have a myspace or a facebook.

    This completely pisses me off. I'm not pissed at her, I'm pissed at myself. I don't have either one of these accounts. Why? Because I've always dreaded the fact that I could actually part of the social crowd. Whenever I think about other people, I just get so damn depressed. I know that I'll never feel the way they feel. The photos people take...the videos they're in...the friends they have. I have none of that and I doubt I'll ever feel the same way.

    So, out of desperation today, I made an account in both just to look her up. I saw all her pictures and her friends. In all her pictures, she's just so happy. Even with her boyfriend. Knowing this just makes me feel like complete shit. I can't stand the fact that other people are happy while I can't even come close to them. And to know that she's happy with her boyfriend, if that was me in his place, I'll never be able to make her happy. I'm just a shit hole. It's more heartbreak if I ever end up with her. In other words...I know the inevitable. Who wants to be with a depressed fuck like me?

    I'm just so damn depressed right now. I know that she's so happy without me and then I know that I can't make her happy. In other words, I shouldn't even bother going for her. If I really cared about her, I should just let her be happy. Who gives a fuck about what I want? All I do is ruin peoples lives, over and over again. There is no point in me liking a girl. In the end, I'll just ruin her life and any chance of potential happiness.

    I'm a fucker, I deserve to die.
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