Because of my past, I feel like I won't enjoy my future.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leary, Jun 14, 2010.

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  1. Leary

    Leary Member

    This is probably the leading reason for me in wanting to commit suicide.

    I'm 21 now, nearing 22. Up until this point I feel like I've accomplished NOTHING. I didn't go to a regular high school, I didn't graduate, I didn't learn how to drive, my teen years blew by without a single rewarding experience or good memory, I didn't go to college, I never worked, never got a girlfriend and I just generally didn't experience YOUTH.

    Now that I feel like I'm getting older (not old-old, but adult age) I just don't see light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing about getting older holds any interest or excitement for me. I don't want my life to be nothing but working. I don't want my social interactions to be limited to sitting in a stupid bar somewhere with a bunch of other older people or just hanging around and listening to people talk about their career, kids, family etc.

    I realize that's an exaggeration, but that's the caricature of adulthood that I've created. I feel like I would have a different outlook if only I had experienced youth the way most people do. One of the reasons I've noticed that a lot of people cut down on their partying in their 20s is because they get tired of it. They stop sleeping around or trying to "chase" girls because they get tired of it. All of these youthful, fun activities they grow tired of as they reach adulthood because they've done it already.

    I've done absolutely nothing. My biggest regret is the fact that I didn't get out of this place the moment I turned 19. I should have gone to college and gotten all of this out of my system while I was still a teenager. I don't want to be the older guy running around acting like a teenager. I don't have the look nor the skill to pull it off. I've literally sat at home for the last three years, not going to school and not going to work.

    I just sit here, play on the computer and that's it. I don't go to social functions outside of every few months with family. A few times a year I reconnect with an old friend and we hang out and watch movies, but I haven't seen him since last summer. It's also depressing to be around him because he parties, has tons of friends, girlfriends etc. His teen years kicked ass while mine were just a blur.

    My life force feels like it's getting dimmer ever single day. I just don't want to continue this existence. I would rather end it and hope that perhaps there is something more after this, or at least nothing at all. I would rather be nothing than have to struggle with this life for the next 40-60 years (barring unforeseen circumstances), constantly feeling despair and never being able to pull myself out of it. And it will only get worse the longer I go on. If I feel like this at 22 how badly will I feel at 26? 30? 40?

    it can't get better because I can't fix my past. I can't be a child again and experience the innocence of life. I don't want this life anymore. :(
  2. Anny

    Anny Member

    Take a deep breath, and try to relax first:).

    Yes you can't change the past, but you can change the future. I regret things about the past too, but there is nothing much more we can do about it.

    Best thing is, hang in there. And sit down with pen and paper to write down possible goals you'd like to achieve. Work on these:).
    Something I did, eventhough I'm 18 already, is picking up ballet lessons. And I love it, it's something I look forward to.

    and if you ever want to talk, you can talk to me:) x
  3. Leary

    Leary Member

    Thank you Anny :) I would love to talk sometime, that's something I've actually been trying to do lately. I don't have much of a social life offline so perhaps if I start communicating with others online then maybe that will at least satisfy some of my social urges. If that makes any sense. :p

    Thank again for replying to me.
  4. Anny

    Anny Member

    You're welcome:).

    I don't have alot of friends in my ''offline life'' either. But even if it's online, talking can help. Even if it's about crazy silly things like shoes haha or music.

    xx Anny
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