Hi All
Sometime ago in February, i found out sadly that my friend had passed away due to cancer it was huge shock to myself and although i cried none stop for a few weeks i felt that my reaction and the whole grieving thing was a bit limited, giving that I am never going to see her again. It was very soon that passed away from the date she was diagnosed and i feel that I should of been more wary of what she had and not seen as something that that was just "chronic" long term, learning to cope with it type illness. I had to find out via the internet how serious it was as although i knew she was bedbound it was only in November she was walking around town with no pain. I felt that her mum had lied to me or downplayed the situation and that neither of them gave me the facts right. I even wanted to walk round to her place a few times, just make sure she isn't still there and has recovered or something else. i didn't quite believe the whole situation. But then as things progressed in Februrary i soon realised how really awful it was and that she was gone before me.
But now is's late August, it feels weird because iam trying not to grieve for her and or even think about her but its becoming more troublesome and consuming in other areas as ain't making the best decisions in life. I have attempted to quit my university degree pernamently knowing that i would regret it months down the line when everyone else is back at university and i would be in worse situation as i was before feeling completely out of place.which causes me to binge eat and get more depressed looking for jobs and "turning up " to groups if i can be bothered to turn up. once a year.
I have tried ringing line's offered by doctors advice ie Cruise and ive considered going to counselling however in my rarsa all they offer is this therapy for you stuff which isn't something i personally agree with as its cognitive hevauoural nonsense therapy. So where can I go with this?
should i ring up my local bereavement group and come along to their groups despite the lcoation is in a place that is very difficult for me mentally to get to it's opposite where she and her mum lived and the other place is right opposite where we used to hang out all of the those years ago and where i was going to volunteer.
we used to hang out at her flat all over the eyars on Friday night, drink and eat pizza and we had her once mate over and girlie nights in watching gogglebox and first dates.
The life i missed aye, thats never gonna be the same! i tried to re-create the same thing at home but it doesn't feel right and even with Graham who met her on numerous occasions that feels odd. in 2013-2015, it was me, becky and sophie and she was one who was in mental health units etc and i usd wait at the gates for her come out for few days and whatnot. it was quite great because although we never always each other and we did argue once at one time and i was angry with her because did stand me up a few times, i accepted it was partly due to her bipolar disorder and now i feel all alone without her.. please accept my sincere apologises if this has taken longer to write... i have to reword this message like a thousand times.
i promised her three things i will do for her in memory
Get my degree sorted
get my personal health sorted.. i wanted to her let know that I now have fibromyalgia and that I am looking into adhd.
I will dedicate my final dissertation in her memory even though my dissertation topic has nothing to do with cancer.
i have already lost one friend this year, i have already gave up my ou stuff in December and my contract ended plus i got into debt again with my last job from hell. i dnt need anymore bullshit, negativity and bollocks about recovery nonsense. and i have just patched things up with Graham after a huge row that that was last year.
realistically what is my purose in my life that shes gone, shes not here anymore. I miss her so much it hurts. to write this message and have started crying.
Sometime ago in February, i found out sadly that my friend had passed away due to cancer it was huge shock to myself and although i cried none stop for a few weeks i felt that my reaction and the whole grieving thing was a bit limited, giving that I am never going to see her again. It was very soon that passed away from the date she was diagnosed and i feel that I should of been more wary of what she had and not seen as something that that was just "chronic" long term, learning to cope with it type illness. I had to find out via the internet how serious it was as although i knew she was bedbound it was only in November she was walking around town with no pain. I felt that her mum had lied to me or downplayed the situation and that neither of them gave me the facts right. I even wanted to walk round to her place a few times, just make sure she isn't still there and has recovered or something else. i didn't quite believe the whole situation. But then as things progressed in Februrary i soon realised how really awful it was and that she was gone before me.
But now is's late August, it feels weird because iam trying not to grieve for her and or even think about her but its becoming more troublesome and consuming in other areas as ain't making the best decisions in life. I have attempted to quit my university degree pernamently knowing that i would regret it months down the line when everyone else is back at university and i would be in worse situation as i was before feeling completely out of place.which causes me to binge eat and get more depressed looking for jobs and "turning up " to groups if i can be bothered to turn up. once a year.
I have tried ringing line's offered by doctors advice ie Cruise and ive considered going to counselling however in my rarsa all they offer is this therapy for you stuff which isn't something i personally agree with as its cognitive hevauoural nonsense therapy. So where can I go with this?
should i ring up my local bereavement group and come along to their groups despite the lcoation is in a place that is very difficult for me mentally to get to it's opposite where she and her mum lived and the other place is right opposite where we used to hang out all of the those years ago and where i was going to volunteer.
we used to hang out at her flat all over the eyars on Friday night, drink and eat pizza and we had her once mate over and girlie nights in watching gogglebox and first dates.
The life i missed aye, thats never gonna be the same! i tried to re-create the same thing at home but it doesn't feel right and even with Graham who met her on numerous occasions that feels odd. in 2013-2015, it was me, becky and sophie and she was one who was in mental health units etc and i usd wait at the gates for her come out for few days and whatnot. it was quite great because although we never always each other and we did argue once at one time and i was angry with her because did stand me up a few times, i accepted it was partly due to her bipolar disorder and now i feel all alone without her.. please accept my sincere apologises if this has taken longer to write... i have to reword this message like a thousand times.
i promised her three things i will do for her in memory
Get my degree sorted
get my personal health sorted.. i wanted to her let know that I now have fibromyalgia and that I am looking into adhd.
I will dedicate my final dissertation in her memory even though my dissertation topic has nothing to do with cancer.
i have already lost one friend this year, i have already gave up my ou stuff in December and my contract ended plus i got into debt again with my last job from hell. i dnt need anymore bullshit, negativity and bollocks about recovery nonsense. and i have just patched things up with Graham after a huge row that that was last year.
realistically what is my purose in my life that shes gone, shes not here anymore. I miss her so much it hurts. to write this message and have started crying.
