Becoming a Monster

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by TSPolaris, Apr 19, 2015.

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  1. TSPolaris

    TSPolaris New Member

    'lo everyone, you can call me Kath if you want.

    I'm really falling apart after going through a breakup. I have had lots of relationships in the past and I have broken up with lots of other people before but this is the first time I have ever been on the receiving end of a breakup. Part of me feels like it's all my fault, like I ruined our relationship and pushed them away. Part of me is really angry that it seems like they broke up on impulse and hurt me so badly. Part of me accepts that they did all they could to not hurt me and try to make it painless. The rest of me is just very numb. :(

    Yesterday I found out that a girl they were hanging around a lot that I always felt threatened around (like they were crushing on each other) also broke up around the same time and that they've been spending a lot of time together since. I have been fighting the stupid gross slippery slope of being the crazy jealous stalker ex-girlfriend and last night I lost the battle and posted a series of gross passive-aggressive tweets.

    I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be that ex. It's getting harder and harder and I'm worried about how worse I will get, how soon I will become a monster that feeds on my own hurt and rampages territorially and madly without concern for others.

    I don't want that to happen and after over a month of serious depression I feel like I am at my limit. I don't want to go on any more and be my own nightmare. I have made a promise to someone in the past that I would not commit suicide for a certain period of time and that has been working for me for the most part in holding it off but now I feel dangerous thoughts like "promises don't matter when you're dead, I won't be around to regret breaking it".

    I would really like help because I don't want to hurt them or any of my friends and family, but I just feel like I have no escape from the downhill spiral I'm on.

    Please help,
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Hi Kath, you do not really sound like the kind of person who becomes a stalker though I understand that feeling bitter and angry about the break-up can trigger transient behavior you're not proud of. Is there anyone in your life you can talk to about this? A therapist would be best, especially as you are also feeling suicidal.

    It will take awhile to recover from this loss. It might help to read up about grieving, as you are grieving the loss of an important relationship and of course you are hurting.

    You seem very self aware to me and it seems you understand the complexities of the situation quite well. These qualities will help you get through this. Meanwhile, I hope you will be gentle with yourself while you are in so much pain.
  3. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Hi Polaris, I understand heavy depression over breakups. Toughest thing I ever had to do in life was quit talking to my ex, welcome to the boards though.
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