becoming an addict?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by messedupmarionette, Nov 12, 2008.

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  1. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    I don't really know why I'm writing this--I guess because I just want some kind of human connection...

    I've been a cutter for 6-ish years now (can't really remember when I started...) The frequency has fluctuated a lot, but lately it's been really bad. I've been cutting at least 3 times a week for about a month now, and it's increasing to the point where I've cut every day for the past 5 days. I don't cut very deep, so I can get away with it, but I know it's a bad sign. I've tried distraction tactics, but when things set me off, it's just prolongs the feeling. And things have been setting me off a lot lately--the littlest things--it's fucking stupid, I know, but... I just don't know what to do about it anymore. Anyway--any conversation or anything is welcome.
  2. I've been through times when I've cut every day, the longest being 5 months. Generally, I've found that after a while I stop because there isn't much space to cut on, and it becomes more and more difficult to hide. Telling people that I looked up to helped the most, because I felt so guilty when they saw my cuts and scars.
  3. Nicole_O91

    Nicole_O91 Active Member

    I have had periods where I self-harmed EVERY day, I'd think about it all day and I'd look forward to that realease. Stay strong <3 I hope this doesn't sound rude, but I'm glad it's not really deep cuts. But obviously, any cuts are bad.
  4. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    I'm trying really hard not to succumb, but it's hard when I'm depressed because I haven't done it yet. My friend that knows tells me she wants me to fight it, but it's hard to believe her when I'm so miserable to be around when I don't. Cutting is the only way I can be productive or friendly--I know it shouldn't be, but it is. I'm really at a loss, because I know it's a bad way of coping but it's the only way I know how--and isn't it better to do shitty things than not cope at all? I have more to lose than smooth skin... I have to be able to keep up with my homework and my life's requirements, and if cutting is the only way to do that... I have to.
  5. I often get quite crabby and depressing to be around when I'm not cutting, but even when I feel better when I do cut, I still feel guilt about it because I've said to friends that I wouldn't do it =|
    You're right - it is better to cut and cope than to not cope, but there are alternatives to cutting, such as scraping. A friend of mine suggested scraping to me, and I have used it quite alot. I still leaves a mark, and gives a release, but it heals over alot quicker than cuts do.
  6. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    Scraping? What, like taking off a few layers of top skin rather than cutting through all of them? I dunno if that would work, but I guess anything's worth a try---plus, it would be nice to pick out my clothes without having to cover something...

    Sometimes wrist or head banging helps, but only for a few minutes at most. That's usually my solution while in public.
  7. messedupmarionette

    messedupmarionette Active Member

    I've been cutting really badly over the past 2 days--my thighs and left shoulder are totally carved up. My friends want to help but they don't know how, and I'm too ashamed to really reach out. I feel completely lost, and all I want is to keep cutting until every inch of me is covered.
  8. music_junkie

    music_junkie Well-Known Member

    I empathize. I find myself cutting every day too, sometimes multiple times a day. It's reactionatory and part of my daily routine... I get shaky, physically shaky, when I miss a day. And fairly acutely suicidal...

    I wonder what the physiological connection between SI and relief is? It seems I actually suffer from "withdrawal" symptoms when I am not self-harming.
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