Just wondering what all your opinions are. my issue is that i have a horrible secret i think i've written about in the crisis forum. I can live with it on the conditions to myself that 1) i don't have close relationships. 2) i will never have romantic interests 3) i will be a basic hermit. god, the cat lady deal looks f*cking great. I will always hate myself, but i need to keep alive for my dog and my parents. I don't have any aspirations anymore except to be a good member of society and pay back my debt. it's easy actually, to only care about others and not worry about my own ego. I don't think it's fair having friends, i don't think it's fair on them. should've never happened. justice hasn't been served. my life is a lie and this is my self imposed sentence and i feel strangely calm and relieved. I feel like this is the path. If i own up to it anyway formally I'll have to kill myself - it would destroy anything anyway. there would be absolutely no point because i wouldn't be able to be a good person. that's the ridiculous thing. i would be black listed. alternatively i go on living with this huge cross, apt punnishment, and just don't invest in my own life anymore. I don't actually know what my question is. I've forgotten. but I was becoming anti social anyway because it was too hard to be a constant source of sadness on people. i just want a quiet existance; i've seen enough. I never wanted this life, i was never cut out for it. i just lack the skills to be a normal human being and having normal simple human interaction. it overwhelms me. i can't keep up nor fit in so i might as well just live like a monk or something. not affecting anyone. I can't see an alternate. I can't go on living this lie.