becoming anti social as opposed to suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by warrabinda, Feb 15, 2011.

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  1. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    Just wondering what all your opinions are.
    my issue is that i have a horrible secret i think i've written about in the crisis forum.
    I can live with it on the conditions to myself that
    1) i don't have close relationships.
    2) i will never have romantic interests
    3) i will be a basic hermit. god, the cat lady deal looks f*cking great.

    I will always hate myself, but i need to keep alive for my dog and my parents. I don't have any aspirations anymore except to be a good member of society and pay back my debt. it's easy actually, to only care about others and not worry about my own ego.
    I don't think it's fair having friends, i don't think it's fair on them. should've never happened. justice hasn't been served. my life is a lie and this is my self imposed sentence and i feel strangely calm and relieved. I feel like this is the path.
    If i own up to it anyway formally I'll have to kill myself - it would destroy anything anyway. there would be absolutely no point because i wouldn't be able to be a good person. that's the ridiculous thing. i would be black listed.
    alternatively i go on living with this huge cross, apt punnishment, and just don't invest in my own life anymore.
    I don't actually know what my question is. I've forgotten. but I was becoming anti social anyway because it was too hard to be a constant source of sadness on people. i just want a quiet existance; i've seen enough. I never wanted this life, i was never cut out for it. i just lack the skills to be a normal human being and having normal simple human interaction. it overwhelms me. i can't keep up nor fit in so i might as well just live like a monk or something. not affecting anyone. I can't see an alternate. I can't go on living this lie.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I need to spend large amounts of time by myself because I get overwhelmed by others and I feel like I don't belong. It seems like many of us here experience that to some extant, some more than others.
  3. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i love your icon!
    yes i'm the same, i just don't 'get it'. my attempts to fit in have failed miserably and caused me more trouble. i love seeing my friends but i feel like i'm lying to them. they're growing up into their own lives anyway - i can't relate.
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I like Condition #3.

    Far as I'm concerned, I'll be a hermit most of my life. I'm not really into the whole crazy shit race that is society. I will do things by myself, in silence. And I like it that way. So much more peaceful. You learn how to truly survive when you can manage on your own. People can easily overwhelm me and be repulsive.

    In the end, I just want people to leave me alone.
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well dont want to burst your bubble but your plan will eventually backfire. Hun you cannot spend your life doing for others and ignoring your own emotional needs. It's noble but not feasible. You will break. I know, I've been and done what you are proposing. Not healthy at all and you will eventually be consumed by the darkness this path offers. Please keep posting. Here you can put your needs first, ahead of anyone elses. Its what keeps this site going. People coming here venting and letting all the horrible stuff out and others helping to move you through the dark spot on your journey through life. Please talking about it really does help. :arms:
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    There are people who live on the fringes of society, but it isn't an easy life. The best is to have a small circle of close friends and family if possible.
  7. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    it's not an easy life i understand but that's the point - i don't deserve any other.
    i can't be close with people i feel like i'm deceiving them. and very soon i could lose it all anyway.
  8. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Why do you feel like you are deceiving people? :hug:
  9. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    they all think i'm someone I'm not. I did a horrible thing when I was younger, and on a moral basis if they knew they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I've told a couple of friends and they're ok with it, they know, but that's different you see, it's not like they're objective and they weren't there. I can't have people liking me. I'm working on it at work, I go from my office to my work area, have a limited number of people I talk to, and am trying to spend more time away from them.

    The world's a cruel place. and when i say when i mean the human social world. we're vicious! I've stopped reading/watching the news because the judgement is there. I don't meant every single person is, what i mean is the majority who have power in the world ruin it for everyone else.

    And I just don't fit in with people. I struggle because it's not natural. it doesn't feel natural. relationships don't feel natural it feels like i'm trying to force something i wasn't meant for. everyone always tells you to be yourself and to thine self be true, blah blah blah. this is what being true to myself means. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but this is the price i need to pay.
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