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becoming old and alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GA_lost, Nov 10, 2009.

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  1. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Yesterday, my T brought up a very sensitive subject at the end of my session. I realize now, I have never directly said much about this. I often think about myself getting older and much more alone than what I am now. This thought makes me think I do not want to grow old. I am already middle aged and within six years will be considered a senior citizen. My father is probably dieng from cancer and my mother probably will not last much beyond his death. She is healthy now but she is 86 now. The thought of being that much more alone makes the possibility of my suicide greater. This possibility is what I have not directly told my T. I am becoming more depressed as the probability of my father’s death becomes more apparent. I suspect I could deal with his death, but I can not deal with the visions I have of my own future. I see myself in a nursing home with no one around who cares. That is why I really do not take good care of myself. I am hoping that I will die naturally before I am old and alone
  2. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I find it very hard to think about the future as well, but all we have is today, worry about how you are going to spend today.
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm 52 now. I figure if I end up in a nursing home, I'm going to be a pesky old broad. :)

    It's taken awhile to learn to live just for today, but it's a lot better than worrying about what is not here yet.

  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Hi GA! I think you should take care of yourself as well as possible so that the years you do have left will not be harsh pysically. I know so many people in their 70's and 80's (mostly people on my block and friends of my parents) who are in pretty good health and not in a nursing home. They live alone but have friends in the area. They walk, ride bikes, etc...you can live a long time outside of a "nursing facility". And you will always have me as a friend!
  5. DS

    DS Account Closed

    It saddens me when I hear about, or meet, folks who are older and alone. It seems to me it would be good for people to connect with each other. Perhaps if we all made effort to nurture and maintain connections, it might prevent others, and ourselves from being/feeling alone.

    I have friends who live alone. who have few outside connections beyond work. They tell me the most difficult part is eating alone. My friend E, tells me eating is a social event, and there is just no point to doing it by one's self.

    I don't know, all sorts of thoughts go through my head about people needing connections with each other, yet i have the opposite problem, i think...

    I'm surrounded by people to the point I come close to totally losing it. I require periods of space, quiet, or to be around gentle people who move slowly and who are kicked back a few notches. Currently have a severe headache...woke up, and between in person, and a non stop telephone, I am beyond my ability to cope. I get over stimulated, reach my saturation limit, and if something does not change, I quickly deteriorate and spiral down. BOOM! Just like that. You can't even tell by looking at me or talking to me. I'm keenly aware I have to balance things. Sometimes I can't.
    The time i seriously tried to make it all go away and was almost successful, was due to too much human contact. Interesting, I often hear people do this due more to loneliness.

    Please don't kill yourself. Try to hang in there.
  6. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Interesting desert_star that you ended your post with please do not kill yourself. In a way, I have been committing a slow suicide by not taking care of myself. I am aware of this but I keep on doing things in the same way. I do not want to grow old.
    Shades you picked out the more important thing in the post that I am not taking care of myself. I realize people can live long lives. My parents are examples of this. I am just so afraid of the future.
    Chargette and swimmer girl you are correct I should live for the now not the future. My now is not much better than my future. I know I need to be more social, but my fears of socializing outruns my fear of the future.
  7. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Feel the fear and do it anyway. It won't kill you. It will only make you stronger. The future is important, but you have no reason to think about it as long as you take care of yourself in the present. This is painfully important. You won't die a fairytale death, you will get disease and all sorts of bodily problems and it will be quite unpleasant. You will wish that you did take better care of yourself, and you won't be able to turn the clock back. You don't want cancer, or diabetes do you? Make the right choices in life, and you won't have a problem.
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    you dont have to go all out social, start small, do one thing for yourself that would make your day better, that would make you feel good, feel connected to something or someone, and build upon that.
  9. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    GA you could have written your post for me. You're not alone. And I do (or lack of doing) the same thing for the exact same reason. I won't give you platitutes, but I do understand intimately. So I guess we're not really alone, even if there's no one around.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I see myself being a pesky old coot chasing around the nurses in my wheelchair..I'm not a very social person but because both my parents are in an ALF I get to meet the older generation and they have some pretty cool stories.. I am in the same boat you are when it comes to health matters.. I don't do anything to fight back.. I smoke a pack and half a day for the last forty years..I have had one heart attack already and don't really care..You at least get out of the house and I bet you have some friends..So go do something with them..Do something nice for yourself..Take a weekend and just go to a bed and breakfast somehwere and just walk around people watching..Anything to just get yourself out of the house..
  11. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I worry about my future especially I'm in high school, but try to live for today since tomorrow is never promised.
  12. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Good Lord I so relate!
    My dad too is dying of cancer and I know I will become his substistute for my mother.
    So I look at my life and think I have my son still home and relying on me for everything, then I'll have my mother relying on me for everything and then I'll die alone...I hate being older!
  13. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    My dad doesn't have cancer but he's 87 and withering, slowly becoming senile. I have replaced my mother for his narcissistic (and now very childish) abuses, which I escaped when I left home when I was 13. Its simply horrible! I wish I had siblings, but I'm all he has left.

    When he is gone I will have no one, too, even if he's abusive.


    We should start a support group in Antiquities!
  14. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    I'm just a sprout myself...but I can tell you that I never write off elders. I don't even think "old" is a bad word. I look up to them. I respect them. Even if they seem dodery I know that they have seen some shit. I have feared death, but I have never feared getting old.
  15. Ellex

    Ellex Member

    I don't worry about being alone in old age so much, as I am alone now and I prefer it that way, but I dread becoming dependent on others.
    Perhaps needing others to wash and dress me when I'm too old or sick to do these things myself. I have extreme difficulty with physical contact, even shaking people's hands.

    Maybe I won't grow that old....I do try to take care of myself in order to stay relatively healthy, though I have heard of so many people leading healthy lifestyles who still get cancer or some other horrible illness. Not everything can be prevented by eating healthy and exercising and I sometimes wonder why I bother.

    My mum works with older people and there are many who have children or relatives who don't, or rarely, visit. In a way I think that must be worse than having nobody to start with.

    I try to take each day as it comes and not think ahead too much but it's difficult.
  16. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I love my dad, he's the only solid and "always there" parent :) he raised me on his own for 5 years. He can go to his grave :blub: with a clear conscience cos he did what he could and it was good :D
    Wish I could say the same for my life!
  17. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    ps: and Moon is there for u if needed :hug:
  18. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    GA Lost and Stranger 1 please try to take better care of yourselves. I helped care for a neighbor of mine who held me as an infant and who's son was a childhood friend who succumbed to stroke in 2000 and lingered for a few more years terribly handicapped and depressed. People don't always die in a quick and clean manner when they have lifestyle induced cardiovascular disease.

  19. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    I had a good session with my T yesterday. I told her about my wish to have the way I take care of myself causing my death. She is pushing me to make plans for the future and to try to connect more. I thank you all for the replies.
  20. PokerDonkey

    PokerDonkey Active Member

    I'd hate to live past 50.

    Hope I die before then of whatever, maybe I should pick up smoking and increase my chances.
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