I'm not going to lie. My family has always been abusive. My dad and mom scream at each other. They get angry and slam doors, throw boxes down the stairs, and create guilt trips by saying that i waste their money. "Hey mom, can i take swimming lessons?" "No. We don't have money right now." "Hey mom, can I.... " "I don't have money right now...." "You should do something like swimming lessons." "Can I?" "Sure, but we don't have the money right now." "You're a good boy for never wasting my money. Here's some money." "Why do you always waste my money? I need my own life too you know?" "" Things have always been tough with my parents. Each family member has taken up different stances to adapt. My brother walks all over people. My sister submitted in a few ways, but was able to be properly assertive at times. My parents always gave my sister more attention since she was the oldest. I just became submissive. Unfortunately, that just means I repress my feelings until something comes along and makes me explode. Then people get it. I used to only have maybe one or two emotional outbursts a year, but they weren't that abusive. Now, I get them all the time, and I've said really mean things. I've called my cousin a slut for being slightly promiscuous and teaching my younger cousin's about stuff. I throw tantrums and tell people they are monsters and that I hate them. I just can't take it anymore. My depression has evolved to the point of schizoid emotions with revenge fantasies. I don't know who I am anymore. I hate myself so much, and call myself an evil person. Sometimes the abusiveness brings back the suicidal feelings I've fought so hard in the past year. I feel like killing myself for becoming the monsters that made me.