I'm not going to lie. My family has always been abusive. My dad and mom scream at each other. They get angry and slam doors, throw boxes down the stairs, and create guilt trips by saying that i waste their money. "Hey mom, can i take swimming lessons?" "No. We don't have money right now." "Hey mom, can I.... " "I don't have money right now...." "You should do something like swimming lessons." "Can I?" "Sure, but we don't have the money right now." "You're a good boy for never wasting my money. Here's some money." "Why do you always waste my money? I need my own life too you know?" "" Things have always been tough with my parents. Each family member has taken up different stances to adapt. My brother walks all over people. My sister submitted in a few ways, but was able to be properly assertive at times. My parents always gave my sister more attention since she was the oldest. I just became submissive. Unfortunately, that just means I repress my feelings until something comes along and makes me explode. Then people get it. I used to only have maybe one or two emotional outbursts a year, but they weren't that abusive. Now, I get them all the time, and I've said really mean things. I've called my cousin a slut for being slightly promiscuous and teaching my younger cousin's about stuff. I throw tantrums and tell people they are monsters and that I hate them. I just can't take it anymore. My depression has evolved to the point of schizoid emotions with revenge fantasies. I don't know who I am anymore. I hate myself so much, and call myself an evil person. Sometimes the abusiveness brings back the suicidal feelings I've fought so hard in the past year. I feel like killing myself for becoming the monsters that made me.
There is something terrifying about realising that we share traits with our abusers, especially when it's something we seem powerless to change or control, so I completely understand your fear and worries about this. Anger is a healthy emotion when it's controlled and appropriate. Understandably, you have finally reached your tolerance limit of how much you can bear, and now years of anger has to be released after being suppressed for so long. The things to remember are that a) you are not a monster, you have been treated badly, which naturally has an effect on your personality and behaviour, and b) you don't have to be this way. Although it feels uncontrollable, try to learn to redirect the anger into a safe and appropriate setting. For example, instead of responding, literally remove yourself from the environment and let off the excess rage, maybe with exercise. Then you will be in a position to think clearly and if you are still angry about something you can take it up with the person involved more calmly and rationally. I won't lie, it's not easy to learn to walk away, because usually we say things before we've even thought about it, but the cliche solution of counting to ten really does work, as do deep breaths. Keep reminding yourself that you are not a bad person. The fact that you recognise the things you say are mean and that you feel bad about it means that you are not an abusive monster, because they either take pleasure from being cruel or don't even realise they're doing it. And that's not you. Mim
