Beeing pushed towards suicide by fammily

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Summer.Rain, Feb 15, 2009.

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  1. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    My dad told me today about his theory about why i dont do anything...
    He said that im using my "minor" depression and enhance it for my needs
    so that if i dont want to do something i can always say i dont feel well.
    Then he told me his solution: He want to force me do things by taking
    away the only one thing i care about in this life, my computer.
    Without it i dont have freands, no social life, no one to talk to (like at ALL!)
    And without it i cant forget about the thoughts that fill my mind every moment.

    Now... this work quiet in a simple way, without this computer
    i will sleep all day long because the thoughts taking away all my energy
    then i will not have enough energy to cope and the thoughts overwhelm me
    into deep suicidial mood, right after that the plans starting to show themselfs
    like movies rolling in my brain, in which i can see myself die in diffrent ways.
    After that, usally a date appear for my final plan, if i wont be able to distruct
    my mind untill the final date, im dead.

    Now i told my dead thje only thing i could, if he will do something extrime like that
    it will result in one final thing that cant happen twise that he probbly wont like.
    Ofcourse he askd what it is, but i cant tell him...

    The thing is, that by focusing myself on things like pc games, music, internet
    im taking off my mind the pain, the thoughts, everything it full with.
    Latley i feel so down that it dosnt even work and i find myself sleeping more and more.
    I dont have the streanght to fight.
    My doc said he cant help me because every time he makes a date
    for hospitalisation, i start feeling more stable, and if im stable they cant help me.
    My dad thinks that my doc gave up on me because there is nothing wrong with me
    My mom thinks im just lazy

    now, for someone in my possition, what can i do?
    Time is ticking and support words start to be meeningless
    I fall down deeper and deeper, all my tricks bearly work now
    the image of a bridge in my head appears more often the usual
    the bridge im planning to jump off.
    I can see myself jumping off it
    I can feel the wind on my face, my heart beating so hard its almost
    brake out of my chest, the way i close my eyes, the way i hold my breeth
    the sweaty palms
    the way i feel this strange feeling going threw my spine when i take the final step.
    Im not saying i want to do it, im saying that i have no choise
    me and my mind are 2 diffrent things, and i cant fight my mind for much longer.
    Its stronger then me, im loosing...
  2. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    can you have your dad talk to your doc/therapist and explain why the computer is so important for contact?
  3. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni


    It sounds like you are having a rough time and can't see any way through it.... Have you thought about talking to your parents and explaining exactly how much you suffer on a day to day basis from your depression? It is certainly not an easy conversation to initiate and the thoguht of it may scare you.... But do you believe that they understand your predicament?

    You say that support words are starting to become meaningless... At the end of the day it is all people can do - offer support and friendship. Only YOU can make the changes in your life to move forward. Do you know what are the major reasons for your depression? Have you ever tried listing the problems in your life on paper and looking at each area one by one? Sometimes the boundaries of each problem become so blurred and all merge into one - perhaps it could help you to define different areas of your life that are causing you issues?

    I'm sorry that I am not being so much help, but if you ever want to talk to someone I am about :)

    Take care

  4. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    The problems in my life are all couse by the fact that my brain fighting my will power
    I am totaly controlled by the way my brain works, it started 6 years ago
    its like i have a mejor system error in my head, im trying to fight it, to fix it
    but everytime things seem to be better, everything crashes, again and again.
    Its almost like trying to take a water off a sinking boat, and the holes getting
    bigger and bigger, while my bucket smaller and smaller.
    Im fighting, i do, but i know i lost, the only reason i fight is because people
    like you guys in this forum, are asking me to fight, so i do.
    But i see the picture better then anyone, and i know i lost.
  5. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    I feel I am helpless against a brain with miswiring or poor genetics.
    I try and try and try, but there's no way out. Except suicide.
  6. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Well i have one trick to shut my mind from the images and thoughts
    but its temporary.
    I put headphones on full volium and listen to a music
    its so loud that i cant focus on anything in my head
  7. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey. .. i am much older, but am isolated in a '''strange''' place, (no kidding) and my internet connects me with friends in real life, friends here at s.f., and family members too. i understand how you need your 'lifeline'.

    it sounds like you are not understood at all, at home. i am glad you are finding the means to hang on - through your support here at s.f. - keep trying. all of us here, have to stick together - we all need each other - if only one goes. . . we all are weaker.

    keep hanging in. . .. my thoughts are with you - xx
  8. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    You are worried about you're father taking away your computer. I'm assuming you are in high school? If you are home-schooled you must be very lonley and don't have many "in-person" friends. It's not your fault. Kids can be cruel, and from my experience adults can be worse. But! You can become happy, it is possible, can you remember the last time or any time that weren't suicidal?

    Think back, long and hard, to the last time you were really happy. Was it a game you were playing? The last time you really laughed? Mabye just a really good conversation with a friend, or mabye even to a time when you had a better relationship with your parents.

    Would you trade the the next few days, months, or even years, for a chance of being happy like you used to be for the rest of your life, mabye for just one more day that you could be happy again, like you used to be?

    Teenage years consist of the most pain intensive years of your life, things will get better. Let me say that again, things will get better.

    Your father sounds like a very "thick-skinned" person. He may be angry with you because 1 he doesn't understand why are you sick and 2 because he doesn't understand why, he is getting mad at you.

    Is your father wrong? Yes. But not because he doesn't love you. It's because he doesn't understand and is acting out of anger.

    Are you old enough to get a job, do you want a job? Do you like any sports? Is there one you could join? Maybe you would enjoy having "structured fun", just something so you can talk with kids your own age. Would you like to join a chess club? Checkers?

    I'm not asking you to continue living just for tommorow. I'm asking you to live for you. To find something you enjoy. To be happy once again, like you used to be.

    Let me know how you're doing.
  9. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Im 23, almost 24, not a student
    I sit at home all day long in front of my computer
    my computer is the only thing for now that able to take my mind off things
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