Been a long time... didn't think I'd be back here.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by BriGuy, Apr 23, 2013.

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  1. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    I can't believe I'm back here... but I'm hurting so bad, I didn't know where else to go. On Sunday, my mother was assaulted by some random lunatic woman, luckily my mom is okay, banged up and sore, but nothing serious... but the fight and struggle with me trying to protect her, caused my service dog Jesse to jump off my lap & somehow get loose... he ran into the street and was killed, run over TWICE... he survived the first hit, but then someone ran over his head. I couldn't stop screaming for at least 10 minutes. My shorts from that day are covered in his blood, and even though it was the psycho woman's fault, I feel so guilty, that I should have done something. Knowing he was so scared and then was in so much pain kills me!! Now I'm dying inside, it hurts so bad! He wasn't even 4 years old, he had so many more years... he just had a perfect bill of health from the vet, and he was stolen from me because of a psycho woman who should be in jail. But at the moment, all I can think about is missing him, and how much it hurts. I keep having panic attacks, keep crying over & over. I've barely eaten anything in 48 hours. I can't keep much down.

    We took him to be cremated... they will call me when he's ready... which should be right about my birthday next week... great present huh!?! Just when I thought things were finally starting to turn around and something good was happening, maybe life was getting better... more shit happens, making me question why to bother at all!! I live through extreme physical pain every day in both legs as it is (yet the pain of losing Jesse feels worse), my memory is crap because of the pain & the stupid pills I've been on for years. I can't concentrate worth crap, I don't get to do much of anything, certainly not date, friends are a joke in real life, only online which doesn't help to 'hang out' or do anything. Everything just sucks! Jesse was the only thing keeping me sane the last 3 years, my light, my happiness, my baby boy, my child and my service dog all in one. He prevented my panic attacks, he even alerted me to nerve attacks in my legs, he made me feel worth something. Now he's gone, way too soon, way sooner than he should be and it's destroying me inside & out and I don't want to keep feeling like this. It shouldn't hurt like this so much... life shouldn't be more pain than not. If it wasn't for my mom, I wouldn't even think twice, but I hate the thought of hurting her... but I'm hurting so much too.

    So I come to the only place I can speak my mind honestly about how I feel, about what I'd really like to be doing right now... because a part of me wants someone to show me why not... but part of me doesn't care. So idk. I'm just so sick of hurting... I had a brief reprieve where it eased up some, but now it's back full force, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to fight it again.
     
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    That must have been a terrifying experience. Add the loss of Jesse and it's understandable that you are very upset. You'll need time to grieve and recover.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun i am sorry you lost your companion your friend. It will take time to grieve hun to get pass the loss of your service dog Have you applied for a new dog hun i know it may be too soon but try ok You need that company that care the animals can give Hugs to you
     
  4. Lunartic

    Lunartic Member & Antiquities Friend

    Just seen this thread, I`m sorry you have lost your friend and companion to such a tragic accident. I know you blame yourself, but that is not true, you tried to help your Mother, a selfless act. I lost my Border Collie (Bilbo) 3 years ago when he chased a rabbit through a hole in the fence at our local park. He died under the wheels of a truck, so I know what you are feeling right now. I swore I`d never have another dog, but a Jack Russell bitch named Molly adopted me and brings me joy and companionship every day. I hope you are "captured" by another canine soul mate, they need us as much as we need them. Love`n`Hugs to you today.
     
  5. Brokenness

    Brokenness Well-Known Member

    *grouphug

    I'm so sorry! My heart goes out to you.
     
  6. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    sorry*to hear your lost your campanion hugs to you
     
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so, so sorry for your loss! :hug: I can't imagine how much pain you're in right now. Grieving is going to take time, and it's going to hurt. But it won't hurt forever, and maybe eventually, when you're ready, you can consider getting another service dog. That dog won't ever take Jesse's place in your heart, but you can love another dog and be helped by one at the same time.
     
  8. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Thank you everyone, I appreciate the kind words and support... but I'm struggling to find much in them more than words... it's just so hard because every time I think things are getting better, it all comes crashing down again. Every time I get comfortable and think something is good, I get blindsided. I literally feel cursed!
    We finally were able to get a new van a few months ago, installed a lift for my scooter, and then got hand controls in Feb, so I could drive again for the first time in almost 7 years... it was heaven, I was so happy, things were great, finally. Jesse had just been checked out at the vet and he was in perfect health, my mom's health issues weren't great, but she was doing better slowly, getting treatment. My pain wasn't improving, but it wasn't getting worse, I was living with it, tolerating it as best I could. We were making plans to visit family in Ohio in a few months, driving back in our new van... because that way we'd have the lift & hand controls, plus it's easier to travel with Jesse than flying. I was starting to believe I could really be happy... even though I had a major loss of someone very important back in October (she didn't die, she just cut me off, deserted me... someone that has been in my life for my entire life, like a second parent to me... she just dumped me like I was garbage, like I meant nothing to her at all)... but I was dealing with that, accepting it, and getting through... and now thinking finally some good, some happiness, thinking "I can do this."
    But then this. Hell like this pushes me farther into depression again, and it makes me believe even more so that there cannot be a "God"... because there is NO rational reason to do this... to do this to Jesse, to do this to me... if there is a God, why punish me like this? Why torture me? Why punish my poor innocent baby? Like when I see so many other tragedies and innocent people are hurt or killed, and evil disgusting people prosper and do so well... there can't be a God, if there is, he has a sick, twisted sense of humor!! And it drills into my head more and more the feeling of 'why bother'?? What's the point if I'm just gonna keep getting knocked down? I turn 40 next week, the big 4-0, and I have nothing to show for it... I'm disabled, in physical pain 24/7, lonely as hell, broke as hell, bored as hell, sadly the best thing in my life was my amazing dog, and he was now taken from me right before my birthday... so the timing just sucks. Celebrating my birthday when all I want to do is cry & stay in bed. Well in reality I don't want to do that either, I want to just go to sleep and never wake up.

    I just keep asking myself... why bother? What's the point? Why keep fighting? Yes, I could get another dog down the road... but then what? There's no telling if he'll be as good, if he'll respond the same... Jesse wasn't a certified service animal that was specially trained, he became a service animal by naturally alerting me and preventing issues, so we worked with him & trained him even more at home... but he was literally perfect, he traveled perfectly, he went everywhere & laid in my lap quietly & calmly. He just knew what to do, what I needed, etc. No telling if I could find that again... most Chihuahuas yap incessantly, bite, etc... so there's no telling what I'll get next time, how could I get that lucky twice. Plus what will happen to that one way too early, way ahead of it's time? I understand animals die... I would be upset, but could handle it if Jesse had lived 10-15 years and died of old age... that would suck, but it would be more natural than this... this was horrific, cruel, disgusting. And it feels like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what! Literally everyone loved him... now everywhere I go, so many people that know me & him look for him, ask about him, ask where he is, why isn't he on my lap... and I have to explain it all over again... over & over, and that makes me cry again, and relive it, and picture him lying in the street in a puddle of blood. Every day I feel it all over again. Every day my heart is ripped apart again & again! I don't want to keep feeling it.

    And I'm terrified the DA will make a plea-bargain with this hideous woman or let her off with just the misdemeanor, and that will piss me off so much, I'm not sure I could handle that too on top of everything else... and the way things happen to me, all the bad shit that keeps coming, it wouldn't surprise me if she gets off with just a slap on the wrist, because for some reason, horrible people get away with this all the time, and the good people suffer, and the great animals. But that would be a slap in my face, in my mom's face, and certainly a slap to Jesse's memory! If that happens, I'll want to live even less! Either that, or I'll do something and end up in jail, because this woman cannot get away with this... she needs to suffer, she needs to rot in jail for at least one year, preferably longer! Of course rapists & murderers get out in months, so who am I kidding... she'll probably get probation or something, and that's wrong, I cannot handle that at all! It will destroy me all over again! It will be like beating up my mom all over again... like killing Jesse all over again!

    So with all this happening, after everything else horrible over the last 10 years, I feel like giving up, I feel like what's the point of trying, what's the point in fighting so much! Yes, I know I will smile again one day, I will laugh again... but is it worth it? When I will cry more often laugh, I will hurt more often than smile, I will feel like shit more often than happiness. Why bother?

    So... to answer my own question, at the moment, I have ONE thing to live for, to fight for, one thing to bother trying, one thing to wait for... to do everything possible to see that this bitch gets whats coming to her. Right now, that is my only reason for living, to pray that she feels misery & pain, to see her suffer, for vengeance. There is nothing that could ever make me forgive her, I don't care if I 'should', if it's better for me or her... I will not give her my forgiveness, I won't because I can't and she doesn't deserve it! I want her to go to jail, to lose her children, to have them go to a home... I hope she's single so she loses her kids... I want her to feel that pain! I feel bad for the kids losing their mom, but I want her to suffer, plus if she's this violent, she shouldn't have her kids nearby, she could too easily hurt them too!! She doesn't deserve children!! I would do anything to figuratively rip her heart from her chest, to make her feel the pain that I am feeling. Because I lost MY child... she killed him! I want her to suffer the loss of them emotionally. I want her to sit in prison for a long time regretting her insanely violent actions for what she did to my mother and especially for causing my Jesse to suffer, to be in agony... and for my agony & loss! I want that teenage girl who helped her to suffer, to regret this day for the rest of her life. I'd love something to go on her permanent record as well, so if she ever tried to go to school or get a good job, they would reconsider it because of her disgusting actions. I want her whole family to feel the pain & anguish I'm feeling.

    But after this is over, after she is taken care of by the legal system... I'm back in limbo, wondering why bother, why keep fighting all this misery, this curse of bad after bad after bad... what did I do so bad to deserve this, I've tried to be a good person, why am I not allowed more than a couple of months of happiness before it all comes crashing down again?? Back to waiting for the next shoe to drop... what horrible thing will come next?? It's got to be coming, it always does... so what next? But for now, I went to my doc, got some Ativan to help with my panic attacks, although it doesn't touch the depression. And I will do my best to enjoy my week next week & birthday with my sister visiting, I will push thru the days pretending to be okay, I have plenty of practice at pretending... but after this is all over, after this evil woman is paying for her actions (I hope she pays anyway), I'll reconsider at that time.

    Oh and today, we bought two keychains of pepper spray (yes, they are legal in NV) one for each of us to carry... this will never happen to me or my mom again, we will blind someone with this crap before we let them hurt us again. If only we had had them on Sunday, maybe my Jesse would still be alive. So anyway... yah, for now I have decided on a reason to continue on, if only to try to make this evil creature pay for what she did, I'm living for vengeance... but once that has been accomplished, what's the point?!
     
  9. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    Ah, crap I am so sorry. It does seem at times as though the shit storm just hits big time.

    I've been struggling with a lot of the same things you have. Loss of several pets and family members. Long time health issues, as well as seeing my son suffer with the same. Loss of our home, etc. There are many times when there truly does not seem to be any justice on Earth, and the really lousy among us seem to prosper and do well, while innocent animals and children suffer. To say that it sucks, is a major understatement.

    Right now you are grieving. Our four legged family members are just as close to us as the two legged kind, often more so. And to see your poor guy die like that is horribly traumatic. It is going to take a lot of time to stop hurting. The pain does lessen with time, but getting through the pain, guilt and loss is damn hard. I haven't read them personally, but I know there are books that deal with loss, as well as groups (I'm sure there have to be some on-line).

    As far as why bad things continue to happen to good people/pets, I don't think that is anything we can understand. I don't think there is an explanation. And why God, if he's up there, lets these things happen is beyond me.

    As far as another service animal goes, give yourself time. You may feel differently down the road, it's too soon yet to have to make that decision.

    Just know that there are those that care, and bleed with you.

    As far as the crazy broad goes that caused this, may the bird of paradise fly up her buttocks and lay maggot ridden eggs.
     
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    Hey you, you haven't been back in awhile, so not sure you'll see this. Since I talk to you in real life, I didn't seek your post out here, even though you wrote on my sf wall, that you were here again. I SHOULD have looked for your post....I guess I just thought maybe you were reading, lurking, (like I do!) but not posting, such a dumb blonde move, (on my part, obviously) sorry! I wish I had looked for your post!

    I hope you are feeling better, I still can't imagine what you went through, horrific, that poor little love, and you, too, poor little love. :( your poor mother, can't even imagine. Anyway, it's been a few weeks, do you know what happened to that POS non-human monster that attacked your mom? Any news legal-wise?

    Just to say, I'm sorry that the person who cut you out of her life, last October, I was hoping that wouldn't last, that she would try to make amends. I can't believe she is still letting a political POV to divide her from her FAMILY! o_O Stupid woman, truly. And cruel, in my humble opinion.

    I am always here for you babes, I don't always respond as quickly as I should, but I am here. You have my number, text me if you need to talk, if it's not convenient b/c of my work (or if I'm running!) or w/the kids, I'll let you know and we'll pick a time that works. But...I am always here for you. (hug)

    p.s. hope that since you haven't been back in a while, maybe you're feeling better. Please give your mom a hug from me! xx
     
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    No words of wisdom, other than to say, your post broke my heart...I wish life was fairer to you and most of us here...but you have climbed up before, and you will again...again, my condolences and here if you want to talk
     
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