I can't believe I'm back here... but I'm hurting so bad, I didn't know where else to go. On Sunday, my mother was assaulted by some random lunatic woman, luckily my mom is okay, banged up and sore, but nothing serious... but the fight and struggle with me trying to protect her, caused my service dog Jesse to jump off my lap & somehow get loose... he ran into the street and was killed, run over TWICE... he survived the first hit, but then someone ran over his head. I couldn't stop screaming for at least 10 minutes. My shorts from that day are covered in his blood, and even though it was the psycho woman's fault, I feel so guilty, that I should have done something. Knowing he was so scared and then was in so much pain kills me!! Now I'm dying inside, it hurts so bad! He wasn't even 4 years old, he had so many more years... he just had a perfect bill of health from the vet, and he was stolen from me because of a psycho woman who should be in jail. But at the moment, all I can think about is missing him, and how much it hurts. I keep having panic attacks, keep crying over & over. I've barely eaten anything in 48 hours. I can't keep much down. We took him to be cremated... they will call me when he's ready... which should be right about my birthday next week... great present huh!?! Just when I thought things were finally starting to turn around and something good was happening, maybe life was getting better... more shit happens, making me question why to bother at all!! I live through extreme physical pain every day in both legs as it is (yet the pain of losing Jesse feels worse), my memory is crap because of the pain & the stupid pills I've been on for years. I can't concentrate worth crap, I don't get to do much of anything, certainly not date, friends are a joke in real life, only online which doesn't help to 'hang out' or do anything. Everything just sucks! Jesse was the only thing keeping me sane the last 3 years, my light, my happiness, my baby boy, my child and my service dog all in one. He prevented my panic attacks, he even alerted me to nerve attacks in my legs, he made me feel worth something. Now he's gone, way too soon, way sooner than he should be and it's destroying me inside & out and I don't want to keep feeling like this. It shouldn't hurt like this so much... life shouldn't be more pain than not. If it wasn't for my mom, I wouldn't even think twice, but I hate the thought of hurting her... but I'm hurting so much too. So I come to the only place I can speak my mind honestly about how I feel, about what I'd really like to be doing right now... because a part of me wants someone to show me why not... but part of me doesn't care. So idk. I'm just so sick of hurting... I had a brief reprieve where it eased up some, but now it's back full force, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to fight it again.