Been a while (really triggering, really)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by notmyrealname, May 5, 2008.

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  1. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname Well-Known Member

    I cut myself today for the first time since the attempt. Hoo boy, forgot what that feels like. Light of course, only a little blood. But it was something I could actually feel. Might even get a decent nights sleep tonight.
    Been waking up later and later these days, didn't get out of bed today until noon.
    Trouble is, I think to myself "maybe I've found an outlet finally" but I only have this window of opportunity to explore these for a short while and will need to go back to being "normal" soon enough.

    I'm like so screwed aren't I?
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you felt the need to cut again. I understand what you need about it making you feel, something, anything. I do think that cutting isn't a good outlet to get used to, and if you can, you should try and stop...Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. x
  3. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    starting again sucks hun, and it will get worse eventually, have u tried to talk to a counsellor about it?
  4. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname Well-Known Member

    I've thought about it sure, but can't do it. I think having people know would only make it worse and I'd rather not find out.
    This was the first time in a long time that I've felt anything, anything other than depression and loneliness. I'd like to keep that for a little while longer.
  5. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    well, may be you`re not ready to stop doing it, but talking always help.why would it be worse if 1 person knows about it?
  6. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname Well-Known Member

    Because..................because that would mean somebody else knows about it. I'm depressed for reasons I can't figure out, on top of that I feel worse thinking that I have no reason to feel this way, which then makes me feel even worse for not finding reasons to be this depressed which makes...etc, etc. I don't want to go through the whole "routine" of talking it over with family and then talking it over with a therapist and taking medication and not getting any better and then more therapy, more talking with family, more medications....rinse and repeat.
    I'm a pretty introspective person and I've come to the realization of my suicidal depression because of how much I've thought about it. Figure if I can keep on trying to figure it out in private I'll come out all right.
    I figure if I can't understand myself, I don't want to go through the arduous task of having someone else try.
    Then again, maybe I'm just scared.
  7. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname Well-Known Member

    (To be perfectly honest, I'm not really cutting, more scratches than anything else but deep enough to bleed sometimes. For simplifications sake I'll use the word cutting to describe it.) Now that that's out of the way. It probably shouldn't feel this way. I know that doing this is another symptom that I am getting worse. Prolly much worse. But feels good. Not even just the initial pain, but afterwards, the feel of my shirt rubbing against the damage. I rub my hand against the cuts, press my shoulders up against whatevers handy to bring the pain back. When I'm done I feel....I feel things could be different. Like I'm going to be okay. But I'm not, and at this rate I may never be. It's all very confusing, it shouldn't feel good to do this....should it? I mean..jesus, I'm just so, so wrong.
  8. Wonderstuff

    Wonderstuff Staff Alumni

    You're not wrong. As most self harmers will tell you, it's normal for us to like the pain. I know that personally I do that too, press against it in order to make it hurt again. I like that because it serves as a reminder to me.

    I agree that you should talk to someone about it if you can. Starting again is not a good thing (though in saying that I'm a total hypocrite).

    I hope you feel better by the time you read this...
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