since I've joined a forum-forum, last one didn't end so well but that's not important. Skip to the next bold to avoid ramblings. For all intents and purpose, I am Speke. Like many other people who've joined, I'm sure, I'm distancing my "real life" internet accounts from what I am using here somewhat. It's not that I couldn't deal with family & friends knowing the extent of my problems, just ... it's not something I want to deal with currently. I didn't bother reading any posts (and I can't get the chat to work), but there's this feeling like -- not to be insulting --- but there's this feeling that I'm not as bad off as others who may post here, which I genuinely cannot tell if I'm in denial or I've finally got a lock on my stuff. The past couple months were particularly rough and there's still a lot to go through for me, but I feel like things are getting better. I just don't want to sink to where I was just a couple weeks ago. I've never outright tried to kill myself, which makes me feel like perhaps this is ... I don't know. I think about it, daily, and some days constantly and with great intensity, but I've only ever self-harmed and engaged in reckless behavior & heavy drug use instead of making a coordinated attempt on my own life. I guess I was just so okay and used to the thoughts that dying seems/seemed an acceptable consequence of my actions. Socially, it's put me in a box. I haven't worked in over a year, and regularly converse with ~2 people (one online, one I live with - both of which I haven't talked to as much as I could have, if not outright avoiding them). I was recently hospitalized (twice, neither time I felt was necessary) for tendencies & a psych eval, but the hospital was arguably completely unqualified in handling things like that. However, I have a therapist now (first session Monday), and a referral to a psychiatrist that I'm waiting to hear back on. Okay. Is this like an interview? Do I talk about my strengths and weaknesses? I'm not sure what to do here.