been avoiding this section.but heres me

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by mandyj101, Jun 16, 2009.

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  1. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    iv been sorta avoiding this section of the site like its a plague.im not in therapy yet my doctor wants me 2 go see a psyc or coucilor.iv seen a few b4 but never for myself just to fake that im 'ok' 2 everyoneafter an overdose or somethin.seems i tell them im ok and thats it.anyhows this sort of 'episode' im havin atm and reading alot here has made me think mabye i DO need 2 face up 2 things that might hav contibuted 2 me bein like i am.iv never told any1 properly but im gona just write this as i think it.
    when i was 7/8 i used 2 stay at my nans house at th w/e with her new partner and his son.iv blocked alot of what happend out somehow.but i know he used 2 ask me 2 'touch it an would say inapropiate things.i rember 1 time he touched me.i knew it was wrong but i didnt say stop an run downstairs.i remember feelin ashamed and horrid but still let it happen.i have a vague memory of my nan comin in th room onetime and takin me downstairs.but she never said anythin.noone did.we stopped goin round shortly after and they split up.i saw him at my nans funeral and he said how much i had grown up and looked nice.made me cringe.i stil dont know if it was th reason we stopped goin ther.no1 talks openly about that sorta stuff.even at 21 now im still scared 2 what mite happen if i ever brought it up.
    i rarely thought about it til i was about 13 and went off th rails drinkin n skipping school.i used 2 drink in a pub full of old men but i loved it coz i could play pool and drink all day.plus a good friend of mine could get served there aswel.anyhows i met a man who was about 35.used 2 tell me how pretty i was n all buy me drinks ect.one day when my m8 was gone he offered 2 walk me home about midnight.he started walkin me ther.then in an ally way tried it on.even tho i said no but he carried on.i wish now i had th courage 2 scream.when i left th house a few weeks after i found out he was in prison for almost killin some1 with a hammer.unlike when i was younger i do remeber it all but i hav had times wen iv been able 2 block it out for long periods.mainly with th help of alcohol n self harm.
    when ppl ask me bluntly why im depresed i say i dont know.but somethin inside of me does.i think its coz of my past.iv had so many other simular things happen but these 2 stick out in my head.im in an odd place atm.my heads like a washin machine.iv wrote alot! just realised.jus debated not postin this but think i will.writin this out is massive 4 me.pressin th submit button is huge 2.
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you had the courage to get this out in the open. I agree with your doctor that you should see a counselor to help you with this issue. In our minds attempts to understand what happened, the thought processes can take off on the wrong direction and cause us as much harm as the trauma itself. Putting things in writing is an excellent beginning. I hope you will continue to post and share things with us. Do your best not to self medicate. This only leads to enabling the depressive thoughts even more. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk with. I will get back to you as soon as I can. :hug:
     
  3. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    thanku for replying.2 be honest i had had a drink when i wrote it.and i kept waking up all night thinkin why did i post it! feel v exposed.i read in another thread some1 saying why bring it all up if its in the past.i used 2 think like this.iv done my best 2 supress my feelings about everything.im always saying i want 2 get well and not be like this anymore.but a part of me hasnt wanted 2 coz i know the process is havin 2 go over all of the crappy things.
    i have a docs app tomo yet again! at least it gets me out of the house i suppose :rolleyes: fingrs crossed i get som more time off work.we shall see.i will be a bit more 'enthusiastic' when th doc mentions the therapy as he seems 2 always do.x
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is quite brave to allow yourself to go down this road...if you have seen therapists in the past, but have not been honest...who were they treating??? maybe it is time to be yourself (a person who sounds lovely) and allow yourself to begin to deal with this...what happened to you was horrific, but clearly NOT your fault...you deserve a good life, one as free as possible from the past...big hugs, J
     
  5. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    thanku sadeyes.they wer treating th front i put on 2 th real world that im 'ok'.have managed 2 get quite gd at it. i agree about tryin 2 deal with stuff and bein myself now.iv just always been afraid of th consequenses- how ever u spell that! i guess im afraid of bein committed and ppl thinkin im even more of a freak than they already think.
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is more 'dangerous' to pretend everything is OK than to deal with what went on...hope you find a therapist you feel you can trust and relate to...J
     
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