iv been sorta avoiding this section of the site like its a plague.im not in therapy yet my doctor wants me 2 go see a psyc or coucilor.iv seen a few b4 but never for myself just to fake that im 'ok' 2 everyoneafter an overdose or somethin.seems i tell them im ok and thats it.anyhows this sort of 'episode' im havin atm and reading alot here has made me think mabye i DO need 2 face up 2 things that might hav contibuted 2 me bein like i am.iv never told any1 properly but im gona just write this as i think it. when i was 7/8 i used 2 stay at my nans house at th w/e with her new partner and his son.iv blocked alot of what happend out somehow.but i know he used 2 ask me 2 'touch it an would say inapropiate things.i rember 1 time he touched me.i knew it was wrong but i didnt say stop an run downstairs.i remember feelin ashamed and horrid but still let it happen.i have a vague memory of my nan comin in th room onetime and takin me downstairs.but she never said anythin.noone did.we stopped goin round shortly after and they split up.i saw him at my nans funeral and he said how much i had grown up and looked nice.made me cringe.i stil dont know if it was th reason we stopped goin ther.no1 talks openly about that sorta stuff.even at 21 now im still scared 2 what mite happen if i ever brought it up. i rarely thought about it til i was about 13 and went off th rails drinkin n skipping school.i used 2 drink in a pub full of old men but i loved it coz i could play pool and drink all day.plus a good friend of mine could get served there aswel.anyhows i met a man who was about 35.used 2 tell me how pretty i was n all buy me drinks ect.one day when my m8 was gone he offered 2 walk me home about midnight.he started walkin me ther.then in an ally way tried it on.even tho i said no but he carried on.i wish now i had th courage 2 scream.when i left th house a few weeks after i found out he was in prison for almost killin some1 with a hammer.unlike when i was younger i do remeber it all but i hav had times wen iv been able 2 block it out for long periods.mainly with th help of alcohol n self harm. when ppl ask me bluntly why im depresed i say i dont know.but somethin inside of me does.i think its coz of my past.iv had so many other simular things happen but these 2 stick out in my head.im in an odd place atm.my heads like a washin machine.iv wrote alot! just realised.jus debated not postin this but think i will.writin this out is massive 4 me.pressin th submit button is huge 2.