it's been awhile since i've been on here. kind of glad to see the site still here helping people. i've not been doing so well. last aug. my wife kicked me out due to my depression. then also do to depression i lost my job. that resulted in no ins. which means no doc. and no meds. I have managed to ween myself off most of my prescriptions. i still have some of each, which i take for emergencies. but now i feel like i'm beyond an emergency. i feel like i want to start cutting again, or simply skip that step and just take the rest of my pills and hope i never wake up. i don't even want to wake up to an after life. i just want to not exist. Period. I've got no one i feel i can turn too. I've got no money for a doctor. It's valentines day and i don't even like myself. My wife already has a new man and i get that rubbed in my face everyday. 1/2 the time i'm so depressed my kids see it now and don't want to be around me. "I don't want to stay with daddy, can I stay with grandpa?" No one wants me. I'm not welcome anywhere. I can't get help. I don't have hope. I just want to die. But I know i can't die. if i died, i would have won a battle. and life does not let me win anything. so i have to resort to the next best thing. self harm and/or blacking out thru meds and alcohol. why can't i just break out of this? why do i have to be so depressed all the time? why can't i just be happy about one thing, just ONE thing in life. I always cry on my birthdays. I've always hated christmas and all other holidays. I wasn't happy when i had my two boys. i'm still not happy that i even have them. (don't judge me on this. it's not that i don't want to be happy about it). i wasn't happy when i got married. and on those rare occasions where i do have sex, i'm not even happy then. it's simply to release the pressure. i hate mornings, nights, days, summer, winter, fall, and especially spring. i even hate my hobbies! I even hate, that I ramble on and on like this making no point other than listing all the reasons i pity myself. I'm just one big fucking looser with nothing to live for.