been awhile

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Unregistered1, Oct 3, 2009.

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  1. It's definatly been awhile since I've felt like this, or I suppose felt anything that's lasted longer than 5 minutes. Maybe it's just the fact that it was my birthday a few days ago, I'm not sure. I've just felt so, pounded in, and today, I' felt my hopes sliced away, purely by realistic facts. I've signed back up for school, and it's been awhile, but not that long. Yet today as I tried for hours to read and incorporate some simple biology on the most basic and simpliest of terms on the nervous system, I couldn't for the life of me retain anything. It wasn't makeing sense. I had so much trouble connecting two facts, any two facts. I can't picture it, and the more I tried the more I felt inadequate. I have alot on, and time is not on my side. And at the end of the day, if I am having trouble with such basic concepts, .. I can't think for some reason. I feel like a zombie wakeing and walking from one day to the next. My life has consisted of recently of working in warehoueses and for labour jobs. Please don't be offended if you work in them if youre reading.. if anyone is.. but I detest these jobs. They are so insulting to my time of exsisting. I contribute absolutley nothing to life by working in them, I feel mentally raped everyday I go. I hate having to work in these systems, but that's what I do. My head feels so.. it wont losen up it feels so tight like.. like ive been squeezeing my fists so tight that they're as tense as they can be, yet Im not letting go, the feeling is going away and the burning numbness is expanding everywhere.

    Need a paragraph i think.. it feels like whenever I try and think away from these boxed concepts of exsistence my brain goes into a x and z 360 if that makes any sense. Just enough to give me a chance to instantly jump to something else to distract myself with, like this forum, or a tv show, or game, or checking my email, or getting up, or changing rooms, or scratching, ... just anything to change my flow :(.. I have no more flow. I feel dead in the water. .. I'm typing to music, not a good idea, but it's a bit of a crutch now, one I use rarely now. Ive just started a new job, got a new puppy because my other dog is lonley, had my birthday all in the last week.. This new job starts at 6 am, as opposed to my last one that started at 4 pm, so I'm up at 5 am. But im fighting with my girlfriend for some damn peace at nighttime for sleep because she needs to go to sleep to a show or something music because she can't sleep otherwise. Im being brutualized by this, because I don't get to sleep till 10:30 or later. Sometimes 11. Maybe most of you can, but I cant. it makes me a zombie. I feel like I havnt slept, I havent had any release in my dreams because I don't go sleep relaxed at all. I just dont. I wanted to go to sleep at 10, but I got griefe(.. oh god I'm adapting that term, got griefe.. fucking terms.. I can't think for myself apparently..).. erhm.. yeah I got a distasteful comment because I've been trying to study all day and she made out that there was stuff to be cleaned up, but there isn't besides the dishes, which won't be done will tommorrow regardless. But the specifics don't matter, im just up again, at 2 fucking am again.

    I hate my job, i hate the repetitive sounds the repetitive aspect of it. Construction is so much better but theres nothing here I can really go into. .. I hate being a foriegner in a country. it makes me different automatically, so Istand out. I hate standing out for that, I hate people noticing me, but they do the moment they talk to me. I have to have an upbeat attitude.. I hate this shit so much. I cant think... ug

    I felt so weak today, i have 5 courses I'm doing, with a job that's 6am-2pm mon-fri one week then 1:45pm-midnight mon-thurs the following week. I get fridays off that week, but.. it's... GUDSAGFIJDSILG im so trapped im .. trapped. Cant let anyone know to be honest, not that it would matter. And that's the real kicker that hit me today. I had hours all to myself, and I couldn't incorporate anything in. my mind feels like it's melting away. Maybe its the pressure of never having enough money and having no food in the house basically, eating only cans of beans for the next following week, feeling obligated to go to work, ..

    ug it isnt about that, but I feel strangelled by all these little things. I feel my time that is my exsistence is being eaten away by absolutley pointless things.
    I don't treat myself, because my treats are my own personal time, and it would be drugs and music and information.. but damn information seems to elude me, and weeds been out of the question for 2 years or something like that, and music is .. a terrifying tease of something I just can't be, yet yern to be so badly.

    I just feel so absolutley worthless. I felt today that I can not do what I want to do. I knew once, but fought it.. but I knew again today that I can not do what I want to do. I lack the mental abilities, the intelligence and comprehension to do what I want to do. I can't contribute to life in a way I want to. Infact, I can only contribute to society, and only as a grunt... I felt the thoughts that let my tightened mind ease and what I saw for a split gentle moment was.. that it didn't matter. This doesn't matter, ... A bit worrying, but im not that worried. It's like the gentle reality that grows ever so softly inside, that when you really bring death to your face and begin to panic its where the strength to go through with it comes from. It's just waiting now. Today was definatly a win for my depression, if I have it. And it's not a simple event, it's a string of layers of events all on and around me that Ive created and allowed to flurish. If this keeps up, I'll either be 90 and continuing these figure eights or the fine line bit of me will fall to my knees and look up, ... it doesnt matter

    this isnt helping... usually this helps in some way but i dont feel any inspiration this. I must be saying the wrong things. Maybe Ive gotten so good at running around the issue...

    I had a thought today, I wanted to grab my head and bash it against the wall. I wanted to keep bashing my head until I felt some feeling inside, just something to let me feel alive. I dont feel alive....
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm glad you came here to post. You got a lot out and you can get out as much as you need to.

    The biggest problem in managing my depression is how much I can or cannot do. When I was in college, I was careful to keep my units at 12 or 13 per semester. I did not have the stamina to take on more.

    I did not work when I was in college, yet you are working. That is another big factor. Doing too much will aggravate depression. I always felt like I was a failure because I couldn't do a whole lot.

    I have to balance that thought with managing what I can do so I can succeed.

    About being a foreigner. There are times when I keep looking at a foreigner because they are so handsome or beautiful. :)
  3. thanks for the reply Chargette

    It's definatly alot, but the reason for doing so many is because of the amount of time I would have to be doing these courses. Instead of 2 years its 1 year.. but yeah i know.

    just feels like times not on my side. ... my dogs are being a nuisence right now, took them out, now they're playing with eachother. its one thing haveing two semi awake dogs, it's another haveing two great danes banging into things while your girlfriend is sleeping next to you. . ive lost my flow once again, i feel more obligated to act then to feel and express myself.
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