hey ya'll, i haven't been on here in apparently close to 3 years now. i hit a low point a couple years ago but for about the past year have been doing very well, i've essentially stopped drinking(maybe a couple beers in one night every couple weeks or so), haven't done any self harm stuff, no more attempts on my life and i've been trying to get my school stuff/options figured out and have kept a job for about the past year as well. even though i really don't drink much, and really don't even like drinking anymore, i've tried to not even put myself in those situations even though it's meant not hanging with some of my old friends. i've spent more time with my fam and have started doing things that i use to do quite a bit and enjoy quite a bit. i guess what i'm getting at is i've really tried and really have made great progress and for the most part things are going pretty well. i still don't want to wake up when i go to sleep but for the first time in years i don't go to bed hopeing and praying that i don't wake up. well about a week ago i became real depressed and it's been so long since i've felt this bad that i think it just hit me really hard this time. i really got to think about things and i've kind of came to a conclusion that i already knew in the back of my mind, i just don't think i was able to really accept it. i've been thinking about ending my life for over half my life now, it's always been there, and i finally realized that it's not a question of IF i'm going to take my life but it's a question of WHEN i'm going to take my life. this really made me sad. and in all honesty i think the only reason i'm still here is the fact that i just can't do that to my parents, everyone else could move on but i don't think my parents could. if they weren't here for any reason, i'd probably be gone. but i feel like i'm really not all that far from the end. i've already thought about how and i've started thinking about who all i'm going to write to and what i'm going to write, fortunately facebook will make this really easy lol, and i'm thinking about typing stuff up pretty soon, mostly so i make sure there is enough time and don't forget to write anyone or leave anything out. well this is long enough already so i'll stop there, just wanted to write this and get it out there, thanks for reading.