been awhile

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kyle, May 24, 2010.

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  1. kyle

    kyle Member

    hey ya'll, i haven't been on here in apparently close to 3 years now. i hit a low point a couple years ago but for about the past year have been doing very well, i've essentially stopped drinking(maybe a couple beers in one night every couple weeks or so), haven't done any self harm stuff, no more attempts on my life and i've been trying to get my school stuff/options figured out and have kept a job for about the past year as well. even though i really don't drink much, and really don't even like drinking anymore, i've tried to not even put myself in those situations even though it's meant not hanging with some of my old friends. i've spent more time with my fam and have started doing things that i use to do quite a bit and enjoy quite a bit.

    i guess what i'm getting at is i've really tried and really have made great progress and for the most part things are going pretty well. i still don't want to wake up when i go to sleep but for the first time in years i don't go to bed hopeing and praying that i don't wake up. well about a week ago i became real depressed and it's been so long since i've felt this bad that i think it just hit me really hard this time.

    i really got to think about things and i've kind of came to a conclusion that i already knew in the back of my mind, i just don't think i was able to really accept it. i've been thinking about ending my life for over half my life now, it's always been there, and i finally realized that it's not a question of IF i'm going to take my life but it's a question of WHEN i'm going to take my life. this really made me sad.

    and in all honesty i think the only reason i'm still here is the fact that i just can't do that to my parents, everyone else could move on but i don't think my parents could. if they weren't here for any reason, i'd probably be gone. but i feel like i'm really not all that far from the end. i've already thought about how and i've started thinking about who all i'm going to write to and what i'm going to write, fortunately facebook will make this really easy lol, and i'm thinking about typing stuff up pretty soon, mostly so i make sure there is enough time and don't forget to write anyone or leave anything out.

    well this is long enough already so i'll stop there, just wanted to write this and get it out there, thanks for reading.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Kyle...sounds like you were doing really well...well done for getting off the alcohol..
    was there something that set you off again that you know of???...
    I'm so glad you are thinking of your parents're right to think they won't move on without you....they will never get over your loss and their lives will be full of grief and pain
    I hope you stay and find the support here that you need....
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Kyle,
    You don't have to listen to those thoughts,.. When you are depressed you aren't thinking clearly.. The negative thoughts out weigh the positives.. You need to live one day at a time and reach out and grab ahold of the positives..
    Keep posting here for support.. There are alot of us going thru the same thing.. Keep in mind the things you have accomplished over the past year..Take Care!!
  4. kyle

    kyle Member

    i don't really like posting here cuz i feel it's the same ol' same ol' but i feel like it helps to write it down. thanks for the replies, i try to take one day at a time and that does seem to help, the more and more i think about things there really doesn't seem to be an end to the tunnel, just a light fixture every once in a while. i just feel so lost anymore, i want to put my parents first but the longer i live i feel like i'm just more and more of a dissapointment and burden, although i know my mom would not agree haha. i feel like a lot of people here are in the same boat, the more intelligent the person is, it seems the more they realize how shitty and pointless life is and the more unhappy they are. correct me if i'm wrong but i feel that is a pretty valid assessment. i'm not a genious...but close, i'm smart enough to realize who i'm smarter than and not as smart as, which makes me feel like i should be doing something with my life instead of nothing and just getting along, there has been very litttle that i have not been pretty adept at, and i don't think anything is really that hard, which makes picking something to do somewhat overwhelming. i would love to go into the peace corp but since i heard it is actually pretty hard to get accepted into, i feel that me wanting to kill myself would be grounds for me being denied. i feel like i know that i'm never going to be geniuinely happy, mostly because i've never been, and i feel that thinking i can change that by actually doing something with my life is just delusional. i hate being alive, i just want to sleep. i keep trying to hold on by picking small things to try to look forward to but that's even getting harder to do, i'm so sad, feel like i'm nothing but a fuckup, and will continue to be nothing but a fuckup. i don't know if or how much longer i want to keep up this whole charade that i call a life lol.
  5. deadend

    deadend Active Member

    Wow, you sound just like me on a really bad day... which is today... and most days now.
    I fear the same thing, my parents not being able to handle my death. But lately I've come to realize that their pain is probably not what I really fear. The real fear is something hidden under the guise of love. Something our minds won't let us become consciously aware of.
    I don't want you to kill yourself even though I don't know you, but from what I've gathered, I know you have a fighting chance. Let me pose this; What if your parents were to die tonight, would you then kill yourself right away or would you feel differently about it? I ask myself this many times and it always ends the same. I hope you come to the same conclusion.
  6. kyle

    kyle Member

    haha i've actually thought about that same question a lot. enough that i decided if my parents were for some reason were not here, i would not be here lol. i mean i'm sure it would be hard on my friends, but they'll be fine, i kinda feel that my folks are the last tie i have to being here. if they weren't here tomorrow, i however would wait, cuz i would want to take care of everything and just figure out all that mess, but it would not be long after. i'm curious as to what your answer was to that question?
  7. deadend

    deadend Active Member

    The answer I was hoping you'd come to is no, you wouldn't kill yourself. It sounds simple, but that's my conclusion. My reason being that I believe there will be a new kind of freedom thereafter that I cannot fathom as of yet. Just something different, maybe not necessarily better, but new. I know that sounds callous, but it's not. I love my parents very much, but I believe they are also the source of some of my suffering, just like I may be to them.
    I understand your answer though. I say no, but I do have a nagging feeling that I too might not feel any different.

    I want to ask you Kyle, what is it about the relationship with your parents that prevents you from doing it?
  8. kyle

    kyle Member

    I just know how devastated they would be, especially my mom, I just don't think they could take it. I'm an only child, and I don't know this for sure but I think it was very hard for them to have just me. My mom just finally stopped crying when I leave home and drive one hour back to where I live, so I can only imagine what it would be like if I was gone. I'm not to the point of making them go through that yet. And since I feel like I'm just a giant dissapointment, I think that would just be the ultimate dissapointment, and I know they would blame themselves. That's the reason behind my answer.
  9. deadend

    deadend Active Member

    I see. I feel the same way about my mother. She would be devasted, probably to the point of wanting to die herself because of all the blame she would place on herself if I were to do it.

    I am thankful that you at least have that to keep you here. Even if it seems more like an obstacle than anything. It could be the one thing that buys you just enough time to truly find what you need to feel whole or happy in this life.
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