Been doing it again!?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by rd9671, Jun 25, 2007.

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  1. rd9671

    rd9671 Guest

    Can't believe i went and did this stupid thing again. But it feels sooo good when I do it. I have been doing pretty well recently and did not have to do it, but the past three days it has been all I have done. I look like I've gone through a meat grinder (sort of). I know why I do it; to relieve various stresses and emotions that I can't cope with. AAAAGGGGHHH!

    I am now to a point (because I gave in) to just throw my hands up and go for the gusto.... just keep going deeper and deeper till I am splayed open. I target veins to allow for the most bleeding, that is where I get the most satisfaction. As if all of the pain, confusion, and self-hatred flows out of my body along with the blood. At this point I don't want to stop, but on the other hand I know that this is unhealthy and poor coping mechanism. Everytime I think about it I just want to do it more and more until finally I have to do it and get a little 'peace', if only for a moment.

    How can I be this screwd up? Things are going fairly well, generally speaking. Well, I know the answer to the question. I am seriously stressing over an upcoming court date. I filed a discrimination suit against a former employerand the hearing is Thursday. I did the deposition 1 1/2 weeks ago and wanted to cut the whole time I was in there and the ride home and almost every minute since then. Logically, I know that my cutting will not change the outcome and that I will very likely win the case; but I just have an overwhelming sense of dread about the whole thing. I 'feel' like there is no possible way that the judge will rule in my favor and I will end up, not only paying my own attorney but also the company atorneys and court costs. And with that it will only make things worse for us financially.

    I am just rambling on now, I will post this and see how things go.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, I know only too well what you mean. I am trying to stop self harming myself and when I slip I feel like there's no point in trying to stop and I self harm to the extreme. You already know self harm isn't going to in any way help with the court case and that is good. The fact that you know self harm solves nothing can hopefully give you that determination to stop. There's a sticky thread at the top of this forum giving you ways to deal with self harm in a crisis, have you tried reading that? Alternative methods to self harm include the elastic band, red dye, listening to music, going for a walk etc

    Do you have anyone you can talk to about the upcoming case?

    If your former employer did discriminate against you then I do it goes your way. In the meantime if you get any urges to self harm and if it helps to write or vent etc (it helps me) then you're more than welcome to vent here.

    Take care of yourself. :hug:
  3. rd9671

    rd9671 Guest

    Thanks Res,

    Yes I have tried the things listed in the Sticky, at least at one time or another, among many others. I guess that is part of the reason that I am so disgusted with myself. If I had tried harder I could have gotten beyond the critical point and not done any cutting. And why is this court thing causing such a problem for me? Why now? Its been hanging out there for two years. Its just very frustrating but at the same time oh so satisfying, then comes the guilt and shame. Oh what fun.
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