Can't believe i went and did this stupid thing again. But it feels sooo good when I do it. I have been doing pretty well recently and did not have to do it, but the past three days it has been all I have done. I look like I've gone through a meat grinder (sort of). I know why I do it; to relieve various stresses and emotions that I can't cope with. AAAAGGGGHHH! I am now to a point (because I gave in) to just throw my hands up and go for the gusto.... just keep going deeper and deeper till I am splayed open. I target veins to allow for the most bleeding, that is where I get the most satisfaction. As if all of the pain, confusion, and self-hatred flows out of my body along with the blood. At this point I don't want to stop, but on the other hand I know that this is unhealthy and poor coping mechanism. Everytime I think about it I just want to do it more and more until finally I have to do it and get a little 'peace', if only for a moment. How can I be this screwd up? Things are going fairly well, generally speaking. Well, I know the answer to the question. I am seriously stressing over an upcoming court date. I filed a discrimination suit against a former employerand the hearing is Thursday. I did the deposition 1 1/2 weeks ago and wanted to cut the whole time I was in there and the ride home and almost every minute since then. Logically, I know that my cutting will not change the outcome and that I will very likely win the case; but I just have an overwhelming sense of dread about the whole thing. I 'feel' like there is no possible way that the judge will rule in my favor and I will end up, not only paying my own attorney but also the company atorneys and court costs. And with that it will only make things worse for us financially. I am just rambling on now, I will post this and see how things go.