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Been feeling down over OCD

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Corey1221, Aug 20, 2013.

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  1. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Hello everyone,

    I grew up with OCD from hoarding to intrusive thoughts to excessive hand washing. In 2009 it turned to excessive contamination worries when I was in college. Last year in the spring I graduated college, moved back to Florida with my family because we were tired of living up north. The OCD turned from other people touching me to worries over my family or the house was contaminated. On top of it, I get very worried my siblings touching the same things-if one touches something home or in public that other has to. I'm even worries if one has something the other has to have something similar.

    Our family has gone to Disney World in Florida for years. The problem is now I'm worried I'm contaminating it or places I used to go here that were sentimental to me growing up. There's lots of places I don't go now because my family has contaminated it. I'm guilty over it but it has destroyed me life these 14 months. In 2011, my last year of college I met this girl I fell in love with. This girl helped me with the OCD very much there, everything in life was perfect. In the few weeks I was there getting close to graduation she left me for someone else. I was devastated, even today I cry over her often. When I was there with her everything was perfect. My life was independent, we had dreams of our future, I didn't think my family was dirty, & for once in years I was happy, truly happy.

    Even thought life was tough up north my family found ways to cope but I wanted to return to Florida to spend time with my siblings. They had friends, good jobs, etc. Even my mom got remarried to someone. He moved up there recently because he hates it here, my mom doesn't mind but now he is contaminating those places up there I had good memories even thought I wanted to be back in Florida.

    My mom is tired of trying to help me, I'm worn out from everything in my past being contaminated, I feel guilt over my family contaminating places like Disney World or the malls or the movie theaters for other people.

    I've been suicidal for two weeks but want to get rid of some things first because my family won't keep them nice or toss them up or even worse contaminate old gifts from my mom or my ex. It's better they go to someone who want's or needs them. People tell me I need to go get help but there is no cure for OCD. It's going to cost thousands for counseling or treatments, but I've been out of work for months with no car which leave few options. Even if I were to find free help it would be tough to go to.

    I'm not even upset over suicide, I just want my things to go to nice people or places. Do others feel like this too, do you just want to escape the pains in your life? There's lots to cover but this is just the recent suicidal issues I'm having. I've been getting help on OCD boards this year but there is no suicide forum there.


  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    OCD is a very hard illness hun i get that. With proper medication with therapy you can live a life without OCD interfering hun You said yourself when you were happy with gf your OCD was not so in control I hope you continue to reach out ok there are ways to get peace hun without leaving ok don't destroy yourself get help
  3. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    That's the problem, help where? I'm living outside of town with no car, most of my money is gone from being out of work. I'm constantly reminded that OCD is never cured only held off with enough therapies, even with useful treatments it would costs thousands of dollars which I don't have. I feel guilty if people knew how I felt they'd lock me up for being dangerous, I'm not dangerous which is the whole point of my OCD-I feel guilty over hurting others through contamination. Thanks for the reply though. It helps when I hear from others, even if it's just support.
  4. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Because I'm someone who has lots of nice things in this world, what's the best thing to do to protect or decide where they go if I'm gone?
  5. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Hi Corey i have OCD too its a hard thing to deal with am struggling myself with it especially thoughts of hurting people
    Am sorry you cant get therapy at the moment due to money do you know if there is any charity's that could help you ?
    or any where that does therapy for free ?
    I know that its scary when we feel like we are doing something wrong my mum had cancer and i thought i gave her it that i contaminated her

    am around anytime you want to talk am just a pm away am around here most of the time anyway

    sorry that things are hard for you
  6. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Hi there, I've been talking to people on this OCD message board I like. They're gotten me through some tough time just since earlier this year. It's let me help others on there too which really caused me to feel good helping others. The problem is I'm just burnt out, I'm not even upset or regretful I just want out of this world. I don't want to struggle for years with treatments or drugs that cost more than I even have, I just want it to be over.

    I realised the other night when I found my board games in the closest that I don't know how I'll ever get to spend time with my siblings or my family if I'm this contaminated or they're contaminated. I'll never get to share the video games or the other hobbies we have because I think we're contaminating everything. It's odd to think everything you're doing could be the last time but right now I'm just looking for the relief. Perhaps I'm just selfish or I don't appreciate the things I have. I'm very thankful for the things I have but because I can't use them or have fun in life there's no point in having more things. That's why it's hard, because my family questions how I could feel dirty since everyone in the house showers every day or my mom cleans the house every day. My only worry is I just want my things to go to nice people or places. If I'm gone I know I'll never know where they went but I don't think it's wrong to want my things to go to nice people or places.
  7. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    I've been thinking over this OCD, the depression, suicidal thoughts, the feeling i'm causing things in the house to be worse, One thing I've been doing is writing down the various things in my life that brought my happiness over the years. Because of the OCD I've been depressed over the loss in my life like places now contaminated or lost relationships. I've found the writing is either helping me move on or it's just bringing my temporary feelings or happiness over times lost forever. I'd like to open it up to others; is this okay to do or is it better I keep it from the public?
  8. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Is there places online where I could get OCD/depression counseling without my family knowing? I don't have much money or my own car right now, getting help online would be best because my family wants me to just get over the OCD/depression.
  9. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Hi there, thanks for your reply. I'm going to get counseling this week for the week, I needed to go earlier in life but it's better I do get the help even if it's not when I needed to.
  10. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    I'm going to be visiting our family counselor this week my family had to use back when my parents divorced because of my dad's bipolar. It's frightening, but relieving to think this could help me. I'm sorry I've been so down on here recently, I had one of the worse breakdowns in my like 3 weeks back that drove me to deciding on suicide.

    On our drive into town today I got my mom to understand how much I needed help, on the way home picking me up from work my mom told me I'm going to the counselor Wednesday. They're going to work with me on payments to help me because they know me.

    The counselor knows my story so I could just get right into what's wrong not having to tell her my life story first which is very nice. I don't know if this is going to help, but it's better than just going with suicide to end the hurt.

    I realised today I have 3 issues in my life: guilt, grief & OCD. They're causing me to not progress like I need to by keeping me in this nasty cycle. The OCD causes guilty, guilt causes grief, grief causes OCD, etc.

    Thanks to everyone who supports me here, I'll keep you posted on what happens.
  11. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    I need to figure out how to handle my possessions in case things go poorly for me, what's the best free option for this?
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