I just <mod edit - method>. I didn't go through with it, obviously<mod edit - method>. And partly because I really really don't want to do it, but as time passes the part of me that tells me to end it gains more of a voice. Recently, a lot of good things have happened. I started a new job and have a nice comfortable apartment. But those things don't solve my biggest issue - my loneliness. I go out on nights when I'm free to try and meet people, particularly women. None of them give a shit about me. I try to talk with people and they're rude and dismissive. I end up spending most of my time alone, trying to occupy myself by playing music or writing. I can't help think that my life has been rigged. There seems to be so many positive things I've achieved or I have gotten dealt. I'm smart, handsome (it took me a while to accept this, but so many random people have treated me as a sex symbol almost that I've learned to accept it), creative, and very ambitious. I always need be doing something and am not afraid to do things others around me haven't. Despite all of this, where I've come over the years, I still struggle so much. I feel like there's some sort of god out there that is malevolent, as though he gives me all of these strengths only to tease me with things I can't have. I treat people kindly, and want them to treat me back the same way, but they don't. I want girls to at the very least notice me and smile at me when I smile at them. That doesn't happen. I've been going to bars alone for a few weeks now since I moved into this city, and I still have no friends or girls who are into me. It's always been this way in my life, but I was thinking that this would be a fresh start and things might change, but I was wrong. I don't know what more I can do, because I've come so far over the past few years with bettering myself, but it still doesn;t get me close to people. I've been thinking of killing myself for a while now. No one I know knows this. If I went through with it, it would be a huge surprise. I don't want to, though. I want to be happy, but with certain events I'mn beginning to believe that my life is rigged to experience failure....actually more than that. To get enough success to build my confidence up, but then crush it with devastating failure. That has been everything in my life. An optimistic build up followed by 180 degree let down. I either want all of this to mean something...like some kind of divine purpose...or I just want to get past it and get the little things that I should be able to get. I don't want to die, but that outcome has been looking more and more plausible.