Been feeling it again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NIN, Nov 24, 2012.

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  1. NIN

    NIN Member

    I just <mod edit - method>. I didn't go through with it, obviously<mod edit - method>. And partly because I really really don't want to do it, but as time passes the part of me that tells me to end it gains more of a voice.

    Recently, a lot of good things have happened. I started a new job and have a nice comfortable apartment. But those things don't solve my biggest issue - my loneliness. I go out on nights when I'm free to try and meet people, particularly women. None of them give a shit about me. I try to talk with people and they're rude and dismissive. I end up spending most of my time alone, trying to occupy myself by playing music or writing.

    I can't help think that my life has been rigged. There seems to be so many positive things I've achieved or I have gotten dealt. I'm smart, handsome (it took me a while to accept this, but so many random people have treated me as a sex symbol almost that I've learned to accept it), creative, and very ambitious. I always need be doing something and am not afraid to do things others around me haven't. Despite all of this, where I've come over the years, I still struggle so much. I feel like there's some sort of god out there that is malevolent, as though he gives me all of these strengths only to tease me with things I can't have. I treat people kindly, and want them to treat me back the same way, but they don't. I want girls to at the very least notice me and smile at me when I smile at them. That doesn't happen. I've been going to bars alone for a few weeks now since I moved into this city, and I still have no friends or girls who are into me. It's always been this way in my life, but I was thinking that this would be a fresh start and things might change, but I was wrong. I don't know what more I can do, because I've come so far over the past few years with bettering myself, but it still doesn;t get me close to people.

    I've been thinking of killing myself for a while now. No one I know knows this. If I went through with it, it would be a huge surprise. I don't want to, though. I want to be happy, but with certain events I'mn beginning to believe that my life is rigged to experience failure....actually more than that. To get enough success to build my confidence up, but then crush it with devastating failure. That has been everything in my life. An optimistic build up followed by 180 degree let down.

    I either want all of this to mean something...like some kind of divine purpose...or I just want to get past it and get the little things that I should be able to get. I don't want to die, but that outcome has been looking more and more plausible.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 24, 2012
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I think you have hit squarely on your issue. If job and many other things are going well and it is simply loneliness then that may be addressed in several ways. Perhaps looks and successful job still do not make you comfortable or confident enough still in the bar/club setting or the people that frequent there do not inspire your best effort? It may be possible to address that by the online dating where you can determine actual interest prior to putting in in person effort on an unknown, or instead of actively looking for dates instead spending free time at social groups. Most places have assorted socila groups of various topics, from photography to active athletics to chess clubs. If you were to try these with purpose of enjoying activities and as a byproduct get to know more people or fing common interests with a person to date it would perhaps take the pressure off from you and them?

    Divine purpose is a lofty goal. I think it is often satisfied with the more attainable and simple "purpose". Having a job and those things do not necessarily mean you are fulfilling a sense of purpose, even if you are good at it. Considering volunteering at a cause that is meaningful to you , be it charitable, activist, or whatever is important to you. That may serve to give more sense of purpose, even if not divine. As an added bonus it is a good place to meet somebody that cares about something important and meaningful to you as well. Common ground makes the smiles come easier.

    Take Care and Be safe

    Ben
     
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You do so obviously have many good qualities based on what you have told us. :smile:

    Maybe a bar scene is a hard place to meet and talk to people and really establish friendships and find girlfriends. Many girls go out in groups and do the clubs for the dancing and fun, but might not be willing to give phone numbers to guys they've just met. NYJmp has suggested online dating, which has worked for people I know. There are also other places/ways to encounter new people and meet girls. Perhaps there are groups that you can connect with via the "Meet Ups" organization. Google your city + Meet Ups and see if any of the interest groups are up your alley. Then, if they sound OK, you might contact them and see what you think of them. At a meet up, at least the other people there have a shared interest with others right from the get go.

    I think that given your good qualities and positives in your life, it would be sad for you if you threw in towel without exploring other options first. Stay safe. :smile:
     
  4. NIN

    NIN Member

    I apologize. When I get these spikes of depression I begin to think these weird things like "divine purpose" that I know are silly and irrational, but in those times it's what I use to explain my troubles. It's essentially the idea that all this stuff is happening to me for a reason, like it's meant to guide me down a certain path where I'll do something of importance. In my rational mind, I don't know if I believe in any of that or in a God. I'm always looking for something to convince me, but as you know it never comes.

    I do a lot of stuff in my free time. Music, acting, writing, sports, etc. Through the years I thought I'd meet women that way, but I don't. I still have a number of friends from college who I did these activities with whom I still hang around with occasionally, both guys and girls. None of the girls I've been interested in have reciprocated, though, despite some of them showing other forms of interest in me. Some have even said they greatly admire me for some of the artistic work I've done and always follow the next project I'm working on enthusiastically, but they have no interest in dating me.

    I tried online dating for several months, after a friend suggested it. Not one woman responded to me. I showed my profile to the friend that suggested I use it, and he said everything looked great. I have enough interests and activities that I really have a lot to talk about, but it still was ignored by everyone, just like in real life. It makes me think I'm an uninteresting and ugly person, but other experiences have told me otherwise. A lot of people think I'm attractive, funny, and interesting, but as soon as I actually pursue something I want all of that means nothing. It baffles me. I feel like an ass, because I know there are people on here who probably have been less lucky than me and are facing worse problems, though the thing that gets me is that I have all of these good qualities that tease me into thinking that I can achieve something or go out with the person I want, but as soon as I try I get shot down big.
     
  5. underwoman

    underwoman Active Member

    I'd just like to say that you shouldn't ever compare your problems to that of others. I have read your other posts and I have seen how you have suffered. Bullying can be really tough. I'm sorry that you had to experience it. It's pretty inspiring that you found the motivation to better yourself. You sound like a really lovely and intelligent person.


    I understand this completely. I have exactly the same thoughts. I used to believe that I was depressed so I could better understand other people's suffering. I used to think that this would lead me to doing something of importance but I'm yet to succeed in anything.. So who knows...


    It's great that you do so much for yourself. Although I understand that this doesn't help your loneliness and isolation.. I know it's not the same, but please talk to me if you would like. I know what the isolation feels like. I wish I could reach out to you and comfort you!


    It seriously sounds like these women don't know what they are missing! Clearly you possess so many good qualities. I hope you can see that you have A LOT of potential and that ending your life would be such a shame. I hope that with time you can find a woman that you deserve.

    Take care of yourself,

    Aimee
     
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