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Been having a very rough time of it lately.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Damask, Aug 1, 2015.

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  1. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    The past few months I feel like my anxiety has been off the charts. Within the past few weeks I've been really bad. Like, I really really legitimately have actually been contemplating offing myself. Like, the idea of it in the always seemed like just that; an idea. But now it actually feels like an option. To be honest, I don't know why I am feeling this way. It could be no reason, or it could be many reasons.

    Things that have happened since the last time I posted on this forum:

    My dad was killed in an snowmobile accident.

    I have finally been able to admit to myself that my mother has a mental illness and that it has had a very detrimental effect on my my entire life. This was very had to do because I didn't want to admit something like this about my mom, but I think it's time that I stop taking the blame for something that isn't my fault.

    I got into a huge fight over a societal issue with an old friend. Now I think she hates me. I feel like I shouldn't care but I do. Two other friends said some nasty things to be regarding the same issue, but they've moved on and picked our relationship right back up as if nothing happened. I want to say something but do I?

    I distanced myself from a narcissistic friend who I finally had to admit was extremely toxic for my well-being and whose behavior may have actually been borderline abusive. Like my mom, this was hard to admit, but to be honest I always attract people like this into my life and every time I have myself convinced that I deserve this. This is my punishment for being such an awful person.

    In addition to that I had a boyfriend for around seven months who I was completely miserable with. Not that he was a bad guy but every time I tried to pluck up the courage to break up with him he'd do or say something to make me lose my nerve. But I came to the conclusion that neither of us were happy and that he was just using me as a safety net so that he wouldn't have to go out and meet new people. Our breakup conversation basically confirmed this but dang, I feel awful for having done it. Like, I should just be happy with what I get, even though I'm not and overly picky girl to begin with. But unlike other people I don't deserve happiness. I'm the exception to the rule and I should know better than to go after what I want.

    Leading on from that, I've come to the conclusion that I really am allowed to fight for what I want and that I do deserve the good things in my life and that I'm not an awful person. However, every time I feel I take one step forward I take two or three back, because with each new success is the feeling that I'm being greedy and I don't deserve this and it's all going to come crashing down eventually. There's a part of me that wants to quit my job even though it's the greatest job I've ever had. It's because this is the greatest job I've ever had that I feel I should quit. I don't deserve success. I don't deserve to have a job I don't dread going to every day.

    But I do deserve it! But every time I put on a brave face and fight for this fact to be true deep inside I just feel worse. It feels like a lie.

    I deserve to be punished. For what, I don't know. I just do. That's the way I feel. Like, I contemplate joining the army not because I want to serve my country but because I deserve to be shot in battle, you know?

    Lawd I'm such a basket case.
  2. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Hello you :)
    You're right, you do deserve to be happy as well as anyone else. Times are rough but it's not your fault. You deserve to have an awesome job and you deserve happiness. From your profile picture I assume that you know Lightning from Final Fantasy 13 (that's her, isn't it?). Lightning is awesome, right? So is her sister Serah. Serah fights for being happy. And she's successful with that. She doesn't deserve to be punished for the wish to be happy and all that, right? It is right to fight for your happiness and there's nothing wrong about it. No one will ever punish you for fighting to be happy. You deserve it and you know that, just keep it in mind and don't feel bad. Maybe think of Serah when you feel bad again, it might help.
    Take care :)

    - Cooki
  3. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Cooki. I did feel immediately better the moment I made that post. I just had to vent.

    And yeah, that is Lightning. :) I used to post on this forum more I guess back in 2012 when it says I joined. That must have been when I was into FFXIII. :)
  4. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you feel better :)
  5. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    Thanks. :)

    I have to admit I had another rough day today, though. I feel very anxious and I barely got anything done at work. I also left early because I thought I was going to puke.

    But good news is I was approved for a new apartment. I think once I leave where I'm currently at and am out on my own I'll feel much better.
  6. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you didn't feel well and I hope that things work out good for you with the new apartment :)
  7. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm feeling very antsy. Having my own place is going to be so great. I can't get out of my current residence fast enough. I just can't stand the negativity of this place anymore. I wish I could go kick the current tennant out a few weeks early and move in right now.
  8. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    Been having another rough day today. I just can't bring myself to actually be productive.

    It's my mother's house. It just saps all of the energy and will to live that I have. I can't wait to get out of here and completely wash my hands of all of it.
  9. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    *gives you a hug* it'll be better soon :)
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