The past few months I feel like my anxiety has been off the charts. Within the past few weeks I've been really bad. Like, I really really legitimately have actually been contemplating offing myself. Like, the idea of it in the always seemed like just that; an idea. But now it actually feels like an option. To be honest, I don't know why I am feeling this way. It could be no reason, or it could be many reasons. Things that have happened since the last time I posted on this forum: My dad was killed in an snowmobile accident. I have finally been able to admit to myself that my mother has a mental illness and that it has had a very detrimental effect on my my entire life. This was very had to do because I didn't want to admit something like this about my mom, but I think it's time that I stop taking the blame for something that isn't my fault. I got into a huge fight over a societal issue with an old friend. Now I think she hates me. I feel like I shouldn't care but I do. Two other friends said some nasty things to be regarding the same issue, but they've moved on and picked our relationship right back up as if nothing happened. I want to say something but do I? I distanced myself from a narcissistic friend who I finally had to admit was extremely toxic for my well-being and whose behavior may have actually been borderline abusive. Like my mom, this was hard to admit, but to be honest I always attract people like this into my life and every time I have myself convinced that I deserve this. This is my punishment for being such an awful person. In addition to that I had a boyfriend for around seven months who I was completely miserable with. Not that he was a bad guy but every time I tried to pluck up the courage to break up with him he'd do or say something to make me lose my nerve. But I came to the conclusion that neither of us were happy and that he was just using me as a safety net so that he wouldn't have to go out and meet new people. Our breakup conversation basically confirmed this but dang, I feel awful for having done it. Like, I should just be happy with what I get, even though I'm not and overly picky girl to begin with. But unlike other people I don't deserve happiness. I'm the exception to the rule and I should know better than to go after what I want. Leading on from that, I've come to the conclusion that I really am allowed to fight for what I want and that I do deserve the good things in my life and that I'm not an awful person. However, every time I feel I take one step forward I take two or three back, because with each new success is the feeling that I'm being greedy and I don't deserve this and it's all going to come crashing down eventually. There's a part of me that wants to quit my job even though it's the greatest job I've ever had. It's because this is the greatest job I've ever had that I feel I should quit. I don't deserve success. I don't deserve to have a job I don't dread going to every day. But I do deserve it! But every time I put on a brave face and fight for this fact to be true deep inside I just feel worse. It feels like a lie. I deserve to be punished. For what, I don't know. I just do. That's the way I feel. Like, I contemplate joining the army not because I want to serve my country but because I deserve to be shot in battle, you know? Lawd I'm such a basket case.