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Been here before, this time is different

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tigerpaws, Dec 13, 2011.

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  1. tigerpaws

    tigerpaws Member

    I feel weird finally writing something here on the board. I've been reading many of the posts for months now and I keep telling myself that is not me, I'm not really in that bad of shape. Truth is I am. I've been here before too. I've been to the Dr, the physiologist, the therapists, taken the different medications - yet I'm back in the same place of hopelessness and loneliness. I am trapped and I see no way out.

    My bottom line is that I simply hate my life. I am not happy and as I was told by my wife last night, nothing will ever make me happy. I guess she is right. I spent the night on the couch feeling all alone, wishing that my heart would just stop beating. I'm tired of waking up with a panic attack every morning. I'm tired of dreading each and every day. I've been thinking of when the best time is < mod edit texskitty: method) That way my kids will think it was an accident.

    Its the cowards way out, but there hasn't been more than a handful of days in the last year that I haven't thought about suicide. I have so many confusing thoughts in my mind right now. I just don't know who to turn to anymore. I've reached the end of my rope. I have no one to talk to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2011
  2. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome Tigerpaws! I am glad you found us.

    There are many people who understand what you are going through. Just keep posting and let us get to know you.

    Feel free to pm me if you want a private chat.

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Tigerpaws and welcome...you can talk to us...maybe you can sort out what you want from the treatments and be better at advocating for yourself...the more involved we are in our care, the more effective care can be...and no, your kids will not be saved thinking it was an accident...but most importantly, you deserve to feel better...please keep posting and see if there are people here with whom you can relate and establish a relationship so you can see what kind of treatment might be best for you now...welcome again
  4. tigerpaws

    tigerpaws Member

    I know the reason I get to this point, as I've been here before. I've tried to "be positive" but it is hard to be positive when everything around you is negative.

    The biggest single negative part of my life is my job. I've stayed too long in the wrong company and now an in that no mans land of being too old to start over and too tired to keep going. Once again I've been shoved into a job that I don't want to do, have no training for and am expected to deliver now. This happens at least once a year and just about when I start getting back on my feet, I get knocked down again.

    Then there is the financial strain. I'm living right on the edge with no up-scope in sight. And I am waiting for a judge's ruling on a lawsuit where I am being pressed to pay for legal fees.

    I thought I was a good person. Never, ever have I set out to hurt anyone. But lately with the job I've been pushed into a position where I feel I am expected to deliver on something that I can't. I have never experienced anything like I did in court at trial. The opposing side painted me out to be the devil. I feel as if they were right. I am useless.

    I'm tired. I'm cold. I didn't find the meds worked well and the doctors just threw them at me and increased the dosage to the point that I just floated on through life. The therapy talked a good talk, but I couldn't walk it.

    So here I am, with a lot of other people. I don't to leave my 5 kids without a dad, but I wonder just what kind of father I am.
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