Been planning my death

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Michael Lee, Oct 11, 2013.

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  1. Michael Lee

    Michael Lee Well-Known Member

    I've been suicidal for about 37 years. Just don't seem to have the guts to finish it. I started a seeing
    a woman about 8 months ago (I've been married for 31 years faiithful for 30 and 1/2) She was
    borderline and broke it off with me. Was doing pretty good till this last week when I began realizing
    Im going to be stuck in a lonely marriage for the rest of my life. Divorce is not a option because of
    what I do. Without my job and the gym I would have nothing. <mod edit - methods>. Just don't have
    the energy. Really confused. All I can see ahead of me is getting lonelier and older each day. I really don't
    want to live much longer. Logically Id be looking at health issues. Not interested in that. Wish I could hold
    Marie in my arms one more time. I missed out on my chance for love so long ago. No real hope. Just emptiness
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2013
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Michael. I am sorry that things are so hard for you. I hope you will post more often here. Sometimes that helps me. Just to be able to be with people who feel similarly to me.
     
  3. Michael Lee

    Michael Lee Well-Known Member

    Thank you I dropped you a message earlier. I really want to die. Just want and end to all this pain. Why am I so lonely? What did I do to God? He hates me. Ive begged him for so long to help but he never hears my prayers. I can't take it anymore. I can't quit crying. I fell apart in the locker room at the gym the other day. I can't take it. Why?
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hey Michael, keep posting here. :hug: You're not alone, people do care. Here if you want to talk.
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have people that love you Michael. You need to give yourself the same love and forgiveness you give to others. Marie wouldn't want you hurting and regretting in this way. You haven't done anything to God. Sometimes He allows trials and tribulations we don't understand. Go back to the story of Job. I wish I could make things better. I can listen and try to help you find comfort, but in the end you need to let some things in the past go. As long as you hold on to the regrets, healing cannot happen. Your children need you in their lives. You are in my thoughts.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Michael please know hun you are not alone ok we are here to listen to you to talk to you to support you Please please stay safe ok call crisis line if need be
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Michael, I think these are very difficult times. So many people are, in a way, falling apart. But the hope is that many can come back together in a more whole way. The falling apart and then coming back together in a way that is stronger than before. I would not say this to most people, believe me. But I think you can understand more deeply what I am saying. Are you getting counselling to help you to move through this crisis and rebuild into a place of greater strength?
     
  8. Michael Lee

    Michael Lee Well-Known Member

    It's strange things have gotten to the point that I am having a hard time just functioning. Really believe in my heart that my family would be better off without me. Things started spiraling out of control Tuesday. Went to a candle light vigil for victims of domestic violence. One of the speakers spoke about some things that made me think of my childhood. Marie and now you are the only ones who know that I'm afraid of the dark. I really am tired. I am old broken and lonely. Its to late for me My life is almost over No hope. Not even sure I believe in God anymore. He never heard my cries. He never listened to my prayers. I am tired of hurting. Its got to end at some point. Wish I had the courage to be done with it. Sorry fo bothering you. Just very tired
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I hear that your pain is intense. And very deep. I ask though that you do not give up. I have a feeling that you are in a great transition in your life that would be cheated by taking your life. I want to say more. But in this area of the forums I dont. I hope you will find every way to hold on. Depression and dispair always causes someone to believe their family would be better off without them. I have never known a case where this would be correct. I personally have felt your words. They are the words of a good man who we all deserve to have alive on this planet. But of course I wish you healing. I surely do. Because you deserve no less than healing.
     
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I can feel your pain in your posts, but I can also sense that you're a truly good person who is just hurting so much right now. Depression will make people think that their families and everyone around them would be better off if without them, but I don't believe for a second that it's true, in your case or in any other. I know it feels like nobody's hearing your cries, that you're alone in this. But we're hearing you, and you're not alone. Please try to hold on and keep reaching out to us.
     
  11. Kaarisa

    Kaarisa New Member

    Divorce is not an option....it maybe an option once you forgive yourself and put your well being first. We hurt ourselves and others when we don't honor our pain and make the choice no matter what to love ourselves first so that we love others too. You deserve to be free. You were born into this world to feel joy. Put your needs first so that others do the same and give themselves the same compassion.
     
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