been stuggling to move on with my life for the longest time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pingas112, Apr 18, 2015.

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  1. pingas112

    pingas112 Member

    Just to clarify, i have suicidal feelings but i don't suffer from them anymore. but i felt that this was the best section to post this

    I have a sickness that prevents me from picking up on social situations easily, it was an issue for me as i was growing up but now that i'm older not so much.

    My fondest memories where my last two years of primary school because in a way i think all kids are a bit stupid, that means i could blend in easier, during that time there was this girl i liked we got along pretty well, i kind of had a crush on her. when primary school was over we both went to different schools and i never saw her again, i wasn't able to keep up with everyone in highschool so i became an outcast and gradually stopped caring about anything, during that time i started thinking about how my life might have been better if i made the effort to keep her in my life, the more i thought about it the more it made sense for me to kill myself because i was convinced that i wouldn't be able to find someone the way that i was.

    And now here i am 13 years later, all this time i've spent thinking of this hopeless stuff and knowing that i can never tell her has made me pretty resilient, i think my sickness also gives me trouble thinking stuff up, i recently figured out why i can't kill myself, its not because i don't want to its because this iron skin of mine will just get in the way.

    I'm an independant thinker but it took me a long time to figure out what my problem was in detail, and or though its true i'm getting better at it all the time now i would have to think of a solution to my problem which might also take a while, i'm wasting my life. and so i'm hoping that someone can help me figure out once and for all if i'm going to kill myself or not.
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I don't think you need someone to help you figure out if you're going to kill yourself or not. I think you need someone to help you cope with the pain you're in right now. I'm glad you reached out here - it's a good step.

    Have you ever considered trying to reestablish contact with your old friend? Have you ever looked for her on Facebook? It sounds like she might have good memories of you, too and enjoy that.

    Having said that about reestablishing contact with old friends, I think it is important for you to make new ones. I understand that's a problem for you in real life, but maybe it's easier on-line? I also have a real problem making new friends in real life so I totally relate to having a hard time coping with social situations.

    I hope you keep posting and get some comfort here.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Pingas, you have a great way of writing out your thoughts. How old are you now if you don't mind me asking?! Primary school was the best time for me also, all the good memories of a carefree life, I'd love to go back in time but at least I have the memories. I am glad to hear you don't suffer with suicidal feelings anymore. Did you get help from a doctor/therapist?

    I hope things improve for you, you seem like a nice person.
  4. pingas112

    pingas112 Member

    I forgot what her last name was or more likely i never knew, i've tried multiple times to see what she's done with her life on facebook but unfortunately all they have is a section for what secondary school people went to, i never knew where she went, i have some idea of how i could find her but that is out of the question at the moment, i can't let her see me like this, especially if she remembered me.

    Making friends isn't an issue for me anymore, my condition made me a bit slow but now that i'm older i can pull it off just fine. The problem is though if it turns out my solution is to kill myself that would obviously cause nothing but problems for them in the long run. I have 1 good friend but he's smart, i'm sure i'd be able to explain it to him in a way that he can understand if i end up taking that route.

    I'm 25, it looks like you might have misread my first paragraph. i still have suicidal thoughts i just don't suffer from them anymore, because if it turns out suicide is the way to go i'm not going to do it on a negative note, no i've never been to a therapist i've just thought all this stuff up by myself, as far as everyone else is aware theres nothing wrong with me.
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