Been suicidal for a long time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Programvare, Jan 3, 2010.

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  1. Programvare

    Programvare Active Member

    I started thinking about when i became suicidal, and I guess I've been for quite much longer than i thought. I found this i wrote on another forum a couple of years ago, at that time I was 14/15 years old. And i become depressive when I was about 12/13.

    25/11-2007 : 23:19
    I can't see why I feel so down at night.

    I can be perfectly normal through the entire day, but just when I'm going to bed I feel like hell. Nothing feels worth it, and I just wanna end it all, right there and then. I cry myself to sleep too often and I don't even have a reason.
    Another fact is that i even enjoy it sometimes. I like crying and to feel the emptiness inside me. But in a very strange way. Maybe it's a good thing to cry, to let all the bad stuff out. I don't know."

    So, how long have you been feeling suicidal, having suicidal thoughts? Because I'm like planning different methods, scenarios every single day. I can't even look at a car without imagining it to crush my body. I wanna just wanna OD on something and disappear. I can't even get myself to cry anymore. I just feel empty and hopeless.
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Im not going to be much help here as alot of what you posted here is what im going thrgh at the moment.All i can really say is hang in there and post here or talk to someone.I really know what your dealing with just wish i had some better advice or an answer.Maybe seek some help from doc or a counciller if ya havnt already sometimes these things help.
  3. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I started feeling depressed 3 years ago. My suicidal thoughts started 2 years ago, and I have come up with a practical, painless, quick, and lethal method 6 months ago. I myself am comming closer and closer to doing it. Mostly because I can't think of a damn good reason why I should endure the pain, it isn't simply that I can't endure the pain, but that there is no reason too.

    Sure mabye for people, but I would respond, they will be better off dead too because most life is suffering, and the argument can go on and on, in the end, you don't know of an absolute reason to endure the pain, you just do.

    Its because its to scary to die. Fear of the unknown and the survival instinct is to great.

    Do you have a purpose? You know even if there is no absolute definite truth that we are better off living, there is also non that we are better off dead. The fact that your here like myself tells me you want to live.

    So you got to get something positive in your life, not something for just one day, or two, but something that will last a long time. If your in school consider an activity, if you don't want to or can't try brainstorming. Make a list! Things I Like to do: .....

    One of the amazing things of the human mind is its ability to adapt to changing circumstances and environment, even whilst the mind itself changes. You are in control of your life, by making positive changes you will end up altering your brain chemistry so that you become happier. You didn't become unhappy overnight, and it will take a while to get better.

    :Leiaha: That is my giraffe, I call him Gerrard - he is dancing to rap music to get in shape!
  4. Programvare

    Programvare Active Member

    Thank you for your words i guess.
    Though you are speaking about pain. I don't feel any pain. I'm not sad anymore, I don't cry or scream or harm myself anymore. I just feel empty and life feels pointless. I may seem like a selfish piece of s***, but I have a family, a girlfriend and I'm doing pretty ok at school also. And to do things I like is so very temporary that it makes the feeling of emptiness even worse after.
    I probably have no reason to commit, that I would be forgiven for. I wanna give in, because nothing feels worth it anymore. No, not even the thought of my gf that seems to love me, and nor my little brother that looks at me as his big hero. The only reasons I continue is because I can't seem to figure out the best method yet, though I've planned it for months/years I don't even remember anymore. And because I can't think about my mom's reaction, even though I normally dont think of suicide as a selfish act. She even told me if something happened to me, she couldn't go on. How am I supposed to relate to that?
  5. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I feel the same, I have my reasons but I don't care if they fix or not, I'll always feel suicidal and nothing will stop me from carrying out my plot.

    All the other advice is pretty good.
  6. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Your lying! You are in pain. A person whom is suicidal is experiencing some type of pain, I think the confusing here lies in that we have different definitions of pain.

    You are depressed, is that a fair statement? (I will reply further after a response)
  7. Programvare

    Programvare Active Member

    I really don't feel depressed anymore. Because I was "depressed" before, and I sort of link the so-called depression to crying my eyes out every single day, blaming myself for being weak, sitting up at night cutting, and I don't do any of that anymore, so I dont know actually...
  8. Neverhappyalwayssad

    Neverhappyalwayssad Well-Known Member

    Same here, for the last few months I've not been depressed like I was before these last few months. But I'm still suicidal if I was living by myself, I would so be collecting my materials for the way out. Just don't see why I should live, because waking is just so stressful and pointless.
  9. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey you give me an update I have missed is gonna keep me busy for a bit but I am around and will make time for you...
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