Been suicidal for over a decade now.. and I am only 22 :S

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ParadiseLost, Jun 4, 2010.

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  1. ParadiseLost

    ParadiseLost Member

    I have been through a lot in life and I fluctuate between throwing myself a pity party when I lay in bed for days crying and being a zombie and then minimizing everything and trying to just will myself out of my memories and emotions.

    The story is long and just too depressing for anybody to read through so basically I'm just at a cross roads where I'm not really sure how to get through it. I have tried therapy before and if anything it made me more upset. I would literally get worse while in therapy. Perhaps because it forced me to think about things even more. I am also going the medication route but for the past week have suddenly stopped taking it.

    The reason being that I am too afraid to go pick up the prescription. I kid you not.

    I am pretty much afraid of being physically around people at this point and haven't even been leaving the house at all for awhile now.

    I have been stuck between life and death for so long I'm getting really tired of the struggle. My first suicide attempt was over a decade ago now and I convince myself that was the only time even though I overdosed on sleeping pills a few times recently.

    The story is long and I don't have it in me to go through the whole thing right now. I don't know why I am posting here.. And I don't even know why I am trying to stay alive.

    I think the only reason is that my youngest sister recently remembered my older brother raping her and he admitted to it. So I don't want to mess her up as badly as I have been by pushing her over the edge.

    I don't even know how this world can be so messed up.
  2. dnE ehT

    dnE ehT Well-Known Member

    I've been in a bad mental state for a long time too now.

    I like to think it gets better with time, but I honestly don't know.

    Keep posting here. Talking with people is a good thing.
  3. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel this way. I do have alot of the same problems as you. When you are ready, feel free to tell us more. You can write all you want. Alot of helpful people around here. Remember i said "alot" not all.... :unsure:
  4. ParadiseLost

    ParadiseLost Member

    I think it could possibly get better in time too.

    But I keep getting stuck in cycles of abuse. And it only ever seems to get worse..

    I am not sure how to keep violent people and sociopaths out of my life anymore. And I am also upset with government in general because I feel like if they can't keep me safe I should be able to protect myself.

    This is vague I just don't feel like dumping or suddenly getting into it..
  5. ParadiseLost

    ParadiseLost Member

    Ok so I am already in tears so I will just post about one of the later things in life that has been making "recovery" more difficult (I am starting to just wonder if I am by nature suicidal though)

    This is going to take a little time for me to get through.

    When I was even just 20.. I had thought I would wait until I was married for sex. The main reason being that when I was 13 my dad moved away for a few years, we moved across country.. my mom was abusive and so I fell into the arms of a guy in college. And for those few years he was both what got me through and pulled me down. The end was a nightmare and he had been cheating on me for three years.

    He was my family for most of my teen years and the only person who had ever said I love you to me. I had moved a lot my whole life so he was also the first person who I had formed an attatchment to.


    A lot of stuff happened in between.

    Then when I was almost 21 I met a guy. Older as well. He pressured me into sleeping with him and what followed was about half a year of strange mental games. I don't know why I was so weak to let him slowly take me over and turn me into his stupid play thing. And his type of play wasn't loving. At all. I was covered in bruises for those six months. Even when I would tell him I did not like to be choked. He would do it. I would fight him back but he would do it. And even though the only thing he ever did to me was play mental games, tell me horrible things, try to convince me of really hateful and strange things, and physically over power me I kept going back.

    But he slowly got even more weird.

    Eventually he was telling me things. He knows where to dump a dead body so people will never find it. He fantasized about raping/murdering undeveloped girls. He wants to shoot pregnant women. And then he told me in detail how he was going to kill me.

    I soon after moved back home so he doesn't know where I am and I cut off all contact. By the time I reported him to the police (because he is a middle school teacher.. for the kids) I had no bruises. No evidence.

    And he is just out there walking around having everybody think he is mister amazing. He is such a sicko.

    It just haunts me and sometimes my mind gets stuck on it. Men scare me and my dad, with his anger issues, often makes me feel faint and I have even passed out when he was angry.

    I just don't trust people.
  6. pl2584

    pl2584 Member

    I am sorry you had to go through that. People are fucked up.
  7. ParadiseLost

    ParadiseLost Member

    Thanks.. My bounce back time is pretty fast though and I am already feeling a bit more relaxed and less wilted.
  8. deniston

    deniston Member

    We all make decisons in life that are wrong and end up screwing us over, but the positive is that it is experience gained so we can help ourselves to not get in to similar situations or to react differently to them. You can't help getting in to relationships that are violent or relationships which seem controlling. You escaped out of it, which itself shows great strength as too often women in particular stay and the consequences are fatal.
    The first relationship was simply because you wanted to escape life at home. I think with the second relationship, the fact the guy is that manipulative to be able to put on a fake face of innocence to the world, when behind it he is quite twisted, then how were you supposed to know to begin with.

    By the sounds of it you have had it quite tough and I think having an abusive mum and a dad with anger issues does not help as more often than not, people tend to be attracted to what is familar to them. Hence why abused children grow up to have relationships with people who carry on that abuse in one form or another. However, you seem quite switched on and you escaped the second guy who the Police should've really investigated, especially as he is a teacher.

    You have made it this far hun, I really don't doubt that you can make another 30 years. Believe in yourself and you're pretty much there. Just remember in relationships, if there is any doubt about a person's sincerity, it usually means no, so get out.
  9. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    I am really really sorry that you had to go through that. I understand why you would say "I just don't trust people.", but the fact that you came here.. to SF and opened up (maybe not entirely) is a huge step. I know this is hard but don't give up on trusting people, I can't say much right now but I promise you, hold on and you will someone who you really deserve.
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