I have been through a lot in life and I fluctuate between throwing myself a pity party when I lay in bed for days crying and being a zombie and then minimizing everything and trying to just will myself out of my memories and emotions. The story is long and just too depressing for anybody to read through so basically I'm just at a cross roads where I'm not really sure how to get through it. I have tried therapy before and if anything it made me more upset. I would literally get worse while in therapy. Perhaps because it forced me to think about things even more. I am also going the medication route but for the past week have suddenly stopped taking it. The reason being that I am too afraid to go pick up the prescription. I kid you not. I am pretty much afraid of being physically around people at this point and haven't even been leaving the house at all for awhile now. I have been stuck between life and death for so long I'm getting really tired of the struggle. My first suicide attempt was over a decade ago now and I convince myself that was the only time even though I overdosed on sleeping pills a few times recently. The story is long and I don't have it in me to go through the whole thing right now. I don't know why I am posting here.. And I don't even know why I am trying to stay alive. I think the only reason is that my youngest sister recently remembered my older brother raping her and he admitted to it. So I don't want to mess her up as badly as I have been by pushing her over the edge. I don't even know how this world can be so messed up.