Been trying to kill myself all day

[What Ever]

I just got a new job after months of unemployment. You'd think I would be happy, but I'm still such a failure. I don't do anything right. I have no talents whatsoever. I am useless. I didn't go into work today, my second day (first if you don't count training). I didn't call in sick or anything. I didn't plan on being here by now. I keep getting really close to killing myself and then I just can't do it. I don't know why. I hate myself, I have no interest in my job except that it gets me money (a very small sum at that). I don't know why I am typing this and not just doing it. I'll never enjoy the world anyway because I am so pathetic. I don't live alone. Someone will be coming home soon and I will have to explain how horrible I am to them. Why am I so stupid? I ruin everything. I'm so selfish. I'm no good to anyone. I can't even kill myself properly.

 

[MLKane]

it's not that you can't kill yourself, it's that a part of you, the part of you that wants to type this, the part of you that people around you like, that part of you wants to live. go to work tomorrow. you might not be interested now, but as time goes by you'll find something there for you. you might make friends with a co-worker, enjoy certain customers or even just find doing simple tasks strangely comforting. you won't know until you try. and you owe it to that part of you that wants to live to give it a go. your subconscious has fought and gotten you this far, now it is your turn to fight the depression and pull through. killing yourself won't solve anything. killing yourself won't even remove all the problems you think you cause, often because you are not the burden you think you are. you might feel like there is no hope for you now, but there is always hope. there is always something waiting for you in the morning, even if you haven't found it yet. stay safe, stay alive, and don't give up. because even if you don't know it right now, you do want to live.

 

[jxdama]

can you go back to the job?

 

[What Ever]

Thanks to both for comments.

Probably won't be able to go back to that job. Not sure if I want to go back either. I am getting some help now though after I opened up to other people today. I didn't go through with it and have promised not to hurt myself.

 

[jxdama]

im glad you are getting help.

 

[Sadeyes]

Glad to hear you are doing better and getting help..please keep us posted about how you are doing...J