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Been wanting to kill myself for years.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by RyanKey=MyLife, Jul 16, 2008.

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  1. RyanKey=MyLife

    RyanKey=MyLife Well-Known Member


    never know how to start writing things/stories lol.
    Great a turk just spoke to me on msn:mad:
    Well ever since last year i have been really open and honest, and kept NO secrets from ANYONE, i also admitted to everything and i mean EVERYTHING!
    Sometimes i'll be really happy and hyper, which i guess most of you may know lol
    Sometimes i get angry/upset just normal emotions what we all get.
    Sometimes i get suicidal and depressed, i cry, i get angry at everyone, i self-harm, i think about how to kill myself. When i'm angry, *great i'm useless at describing things, so i hope you know what i mean, i get really angry, basically like this lol:cursing: my face goes red, i scrunsch my face up and say things under my breath, sometimes the things i say are (what you would like to say screwed up things) i start thumping myself, my legs, i get bruises, and use scissors or my nails to scrape down my arms, it goes sore than numb/sore then sore then goes.
    I will admit since i joined this site, i have actually been happier:thumb: people on here can give good advice, and not just tell me i'm *whatever*
    I will admit, my life is the computer, i don't want to be like this(i feel like i will grow into one of those sad old men) not litterly but if you get what i mean.
    My friends have all been so called friends basically now i have no real life friends i have 2 good friends from school but i only see them in school and they hardly have anything to do with me, one is manga obsessed, which i'm not, so i can find her boring. My interests are music, watching films, going shopping, and talking about boys(which you mostly likely guessed:p)
    I want to be able to go shopping with friends, live a normal teen life(but i'm not one to party like most teens today) and date guys in real life lol but i hardly ever fancy britsh guys, i have a arab fetish lol and nottingham guys are mostly chavs:mad:
    I've always been the one that likes like the school geek or whatever, even then no luck lol
    I have no self-esteem or confidence, when i'm around people i always look down, can't make eye contact etc, it all started because of my teeth, everyone acts like i'm contagious or something, i can't help how my teeth have grown:mad: *i posted a pic of me smiling in photos* boys say i'm peng or whatever word each guy uses, when i was in year 9, the boys was saying i have the body of J.Lo and jodies face(meaning my own face lol) i seem to have a skin condition on my face, its all little red spots(not acne kind of spots) my mum had to buy me beauty products which cost £60 altogether, the bar of soap was £20:O
    I'm a slob, i get waited on hand and foot, i usually don't wash my face every morning and night, which i need to etc.
    Everyone in school seems to hate me, well ok fine 850/1000 people hate me, i wish i never admitted to the things i did the guys says he don't like me but he used to, now he justb says i'm dirty
    Things that make me suicidal/depressed
    1. Boys
    2. Just being angry
    3. Having no friends/life
    4. I admitted to masturbating now the whole school knows and god it's normal:mad: they act like i'm a freak of nature, when a good majority of them do it themselves, i don't even finger myself for god sake:mad:
    5. The whole of my year at school have seen my private parts:crying:
    6. ^^^^^^^Thats why he hates me ^^^^^^^
    7. I've been sexually abused
    8. My dad(only Chris knows)
    9. Every guy i been with has screwed me around, now i can't trust a guy:mad: i'm always paranoid.
    10. I keep falling for guys online... but like its never going to go anywhere
    If you need to understand any of that, don't hesitate to ask
  2. RyanKey=MyLife

    RyanKey=MyLife Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the help.

    I could have killed myself by the time someone even pretends to cares.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    when you are here a while you'll notice that the forum tends to move slowly, esp. if you post in the less busy areas, rather than in the crisis or suicide sections. i don't know why, just the speed of this place.

    sarcasm is not gonna make people want to respond to your threads. but i guess you already know that.
  4. RyanKey=MyLife

    RyanKey=MyLife Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I'm just really depressed:sad:
  5. Earn

    Earn Well-Known Member

    Hello.I'm sorry if u feel like no one wanted to help.Sometimes treads have a way of falling through the cracks.The crisis and suicide sections usualy have more views.Let it all out section is good for ranting on about things. room to vent is a place that u can make treads that only u can reply to.

    There are many people that care here.And many people here feel that helping others helps themselves.

    School can be a hard time for everyone.There seems to be immature people everywhere.I went through a hard time with rumors in school and I found the best way to deal with them is to simply ignore them and mostly everyone will get over it and find new people to pick one.They crave reactions out of people.and If you dont let them see your reaction then they will give up.

    Take Care and I'm usually always online with my messengers so feel free to pm or Im me.*hugs
  6. RyanKey=MyLife

    RyanKey=MyLife Well-Known Member

    Thank you:smile:

    I have actually left school now:smile: I'm supposed to starting college in September, but I still need to make my mind up, on which one I want to go to. I'm worried It's going to be just the same as school:sad:
  7. Earn

    Earn Well-Known Member

    College is completely different for the most part.The students are 10x more mature but of course there are going to be a few bad apples.I think you should see it as a new beginning.Well simply because it is.new people new adventures and just about everything.Maybe look into going to one thats a little ways from home.I know it sounds like it would be really hard.but sometimes with those kinds of decisions you just have to jump right in and make big changes.Change is good when the current situation isnt all to great.College I think can be your lifesaver as they say.
  8. RyanKey=MyLife

    RyanKey=MyLife Well-Known Member

    I used to live in a really rough area(went to a rough school) but had socalled friends there.

    We moved to a posh area(better school) but things were 10x times worse there, and I was mostly on my own:sad:

    I might be going to a college quite far away to do animal care, It's at a farm:smile: I love animals and the cat in your avatar is really cute:smile:
  9. Earn

    Earn Well-Known Member

    Thank you.That's my kitten "Ashes".I love animals too.Good to hear about going into animal care.The best friends to have are the ones that you have lots in common with.I'm sure you'll meet some good people there.Because all animal lovers are cool :tongue:
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Ryan Kelly!
    There are total asswipes every where. Don't let the actions of some imbicile tarnish your outlook on life. So you want to work with animals, thats cool! I just recently got a puppy (Jack Russell) he is a bundle of energy but cute as a button also. He is another reason for me to push those suicidal thoughts back. I have been high risk for about fourteen years. why I am still classified is beyond me. I guess because when they ask I tell them the truth, that I think about it constantly. Sorry I got a little carried away.
    My neice wanted to be a Vet until her Vet for the horses let her help to nueter there knew pony.Is that what you do to horses nueter them? Anyhow my neice said if I have to that kind of stuff forget it. She is now taking accounting.
    Follow your dreams RyanKelly. Just focus on school right now you will be better off in the end. Once you graduate you will find that the older the asswipes of this world get the less attractive they look to their peers. It will be your turn to shine. Wishing You Much Luck !!!!!:chopper:!!!
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