before i go.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by harlon, Oct 4, 2014.

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  1. harlon

    harlon New Member

    I just need to get this off my chest before i go. Im 34 and have suffered with severe depression most of my life. I have been attempting suicide since my grandma died when i was 15. Publicly I have always been a very positive and outgoing person. I grew up poor and a high school drop out but worked hard to have decent success in my life. Ive been helpful and spread love to anyone ive ever met and for a while was a mentor and leader in my community. No one that knows me would ever believe that i suffer from this illness everyone thinks i am strong and many look up to me. Even though i was surrounded by people all the time i felt alone. I was diagnosed with discoid lupus at 26 and it ravaged my scalp so i have to wear a hat all the time. I was always looked at as a handsome man and took care of myself quite well but when this happened i started to isolate myself. At this time for whatever reason my father disappeared from my life and i haven't seen him since, i heard he got married last year. I tried to kill myself daily and prayed to god and the devil for the strength to end my life. I drank 100 proof vodka from sun up to sun down and took plenty pills. I suffered a mild stroke from my constant self destruction. But i started seeing a therapist and she helped. Things got a lil better in the coming years i was engaged to my best friend until she got pregnant with someone elses baby. And the same thing happened with the next girlfriend. After that i became a very cold womanizer which is totally out of my character and brought no happiness. For the last couple years ive cheated on every woman i was with, with multiple other women. It killed my soul and changed me from the good person i was. Knowing this was the case when i fell in love with my ex i stopped cheating. I gave her my all and she was my everything. We lost two babies from miscarriage but that only made us closer. Even still we broke up for a month or two and she started dating someone else. We eventually got back together and she proclaimed her love to me daily. About two months ago my car was stolen from in front of my job. I had two jobs and lost them both. My friends never called me or even would care when i told them how it was affecting me. My ex pretended like she cared but became more distant same with my mom. I can't pay my rent so i will be getting evicted soon. I told my ex this and she begged to let her help with the rent and i agreed. When it came to the day when she was supposed to help me she disappeared. Wouldn't answer my calls or texts. I lost it. I have been trying to kill myself everyday since and being a failure at that makes it even worse. I <mod edit - methods> and almost passed out but just ended up falling to my knees in tears. I can't continue this cycle i am past wanting help just to end up like this again one day. I don't talk to anyone because i don't want anyone trying to stop me. The pain others will feel from my death could never match the pain i feel every second of the day. I have no children or anyone who shows me true love for absolutely no reason. I've given so much of myself to others and all i ever wanted was to be shown love. I truly give up and i will keep trying to end this until i am successful. I apologize for being so long winded but i just had to get it off my chest. Im sure no one will read this anyway. Thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in such a dark place right now. The fact is , you have been low before to the point of suicidal thoughts and self destruction by your own story- and know there is a way back from it. Bad things happen in life, just as good things do. While break ups are painful and you have had many, you have also found love as many times to have those break ups. I cannot say if you make it back from here there will not be pain again at some point in the future, but you know there will love again because you have had that cycle on a few occasions. Try the therapist and getting yourself back to better place again as you know from experience it works for you.

    Get out of the deepest pain of this last rejection (and lets be honest- it was your ex and she is your ex for a reason - even if she had the ability to help which she may not have actually had when the time came) and get your living situation sorted. Even if they evict you you will get 30 days in most places but some amount of time everywhere after the paperwork goes before literally homeless so you have some time to make some calls to the appropriate agencies for help. Not trying to rely on ex's or people that have failed you in the past but for yourself with the help of the agencies where you are ( I do not know where that is or would give some recommendations). Get therapy and get help. If all else fails go to emergency and tell them you are going to kill yourself and go inpatient a few days and get the social workers there to help you.

    Why bother with that? If you are going to decide to kill yourself make it a choice. Trying to back yourself into a corner and like it is not a choice just fills you with pain. Instead of declaring life is not worth it while you are at the lowest do what you have done before and get back to a better place to decide what options you really have and what you want for yourself. You may well find you want the pain to stop, not life and the love you have also felt in the past. Its too easy to remember nothing but the pain when you are this low but there is love and happiness there too.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  3. harlon

    harlon New Member

    Thank you Ben. Honestly. I do just want the pain to stop but it seems like when i try things only get worse. I don't have control of my thoughts and this makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. I am alone 24 hours a day and i can't compose myself to even call anybody or go outside. I haven't eaten in days just alcohol. I will try to find more options because life is definitely hard but trying to end it seems to be just as hard. I apologize to all for breaking that forum rule also, that was ignorant of me.
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