I just need to get this off my chest before i go. Im 34 and have suffered with severe depression most of my life. I have been attempting suicide since my grandma died when i was 15. Publicly I have always been a very positive and outgoing person. I grew up poor and a high school drop out but worked hard to have decent success in my life. Ive been helpful and spread love to anyone ive ever met and for a while was a mentor and leader in my community. No one that knows me would ever believe that i suffer from this illness everyone thinks i am strong and many look up to me. Even though i was surrounded by people all the time i felt alone. I was diagnosed with discoid lupus at 26 and it ravaged my scalp so i have to wear a hat all the time. I was always looked at as a handsome man and took care of myself quite well but when this happened i started to isolate myself. At this time for whatever reason my father disappeared from my life and i haven't seen him since, i heard he got married last year. I tried to kill myself daily and prayed to god and the devil for the strength to end my life. I drank 100 proof vodka from sun up to sun down and took plenty pills. I suffered a mild stroke from my constant self destruction. But i started seeing a therapist and she helped. Things got a lil better in the coming years i was engaged to my best friend until she got pregnant with someone elses baby. And the same thing happened with the next girlfriend. After that i became a very cold womanizer which is totally out of my character and brought no happiness. For the last couple years ive cheated on every woman i was with, with multiple other women. It killed my soul and changed me from the good person i was. Knowing this was the case when i fell in love with my ex i stopped cheating. I gave her my all and she was my everything. We lost two babies from miscarriage but that only made us closer. Even still we broke up for a month or two and she started dating someone else. We eventually got back together and she proclaimed her love to me daily. About two months ago my car was stolen from in front of my job. I had two jobs and lost them both. My friends never called me or even would care when i told them how it was affecting me. My ex pretended like she cared but became more distant same with my mom. I can't pay my rent so i will be getting evicted soon. I told my ex this and she begged to let her help with the rent and i agreed. When it came to the day when she was supposed to help me she disappeared. Wouldn't answer my calls or texts. I lost it. I have been trying to kill myself everyday since and being a failure at that makes it even worse. I <mod edit - methods> and almost passed out but just ended up falling to my knees in tears. I can't continue this cycle i am past wanting help just to end up like this again one day. I don't talk to anyone because i don't want anyone trying to stop me. The pain others will feel from my death could never match the pain i feel every second of the day. I have no children or anyone who shows me true love for absolutely no reason. I've given so much of myself to others and all i ever wanted was to be shown love. I truly give up and i will keep trying to end this until i am successful. I apologize for being so long winded but i just had to get it off my chest. Im sure no one will read this anyway. Thank you.