begged for help but nobody will help. psychiatrist told me i wasn't depressed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by justmenobody, May 25, 2012.

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  1. justmenobody

    justmenobody New Member

    I have been diagnosed with depression since the age of 14 and been on and off anti depressants all my life. My husband is dying with cancer. I want so badly to die but he needs me so I have to put up with the daily hell, on my own, because I can't leave him like this. Every day something happens, another problem to sort out. A phone call that needs time, time I don't have. I dread the postman coming in case its something else to worry about and ring around to get sorted. We moved from friends and family - to be honest we didn't have anybody on our side anyway so it wasn't a great hardship to leave them behind. We wanted our address kept secret. A relative of my husband's works in a hospital and abused her position to get our new address. Now she is threatening to tell people where we live. My husband chose to move here because he thought I could at least try to live after he was gone, away from interfering, trouble making relatives. Now they know where we live, I can't promise him honestly that I will try to live on afterwards. We have no life. He, because of this awful illness. We are prisoners in our rented flat. We may as well be already dead, it would be easier. My brother has already got plans for our property for when my husband passes and I kill myself, so much for family. I have tried the doctors for help. I eventually got to see a psychiatrist who said she does not look at people's history. I saw her 3 times, on the third occasion she said she was tired of hearing me go on about my husband's illness, she wasn't his doctor and could do nothing about it. She also said, after promising me from the first meeting that she would look at my medication and change it, that my medication didn't need changing and I wasn't depressed! Despite the fact that she hasn't looked at my medical records to see the depression and suicide attempts, how could she say anybody going through watching their husband die a horrible death isn't depressed? Another doctor promised to see me and get me a different psychiatrist, that never happened. Nobody cares about me, and I understand my husband is the priority, but I am coping with this alone and feel like I am on melt down and what use will I be to him then? I get sick of hearing my own voice. I rang the crisis team 3 times in the last two weeks and they did nothing. I rang the samaritans who were more understanding but really it is unfair to expect anybody to be able to help me. I don't want my husband to die. If he were fit and well I would be gone by now. I just feel so trapped and guilty and a horrible person. I have only one reason for existing and that is to care for my husband's needs as long as he is alive and I will do that but I need some help too, or am I being selfish?
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I took my car in for repair because it was having an issue. The issue was preventing it from passing our U.S. emission laws (I am assuming your are in the UK?). Actually, the car is fine but there is a sensor that was giving a false reading and preventing the car from passing required tests to remain registered on the road. What a pain. The repair shop, who has done many good repairs for me in the past, could not figure it out. They kept trying things and charging me for them, but none of them resolved the problem. Finally, I took the car to another repair shop and they fixed it in one try. The original shop refunded my money after I complained about this, which was at least a good thing and showed that though they were not good at fixing my issue, at least in the end they were honest. That's hard to find these days!

    Why did I just tell you about that? Well I'm sure the point is obvious. Just like a repair shop, a doctor can be wrong as well. Go to someone else. I did see that you've tried that, but KEEP TRYING. Find someone who will diagnose you properly and who will know how to try to fix the issue.

    In your situation, depression is a natural thing. I lost my 18 year old son in 2010 (to suicide) and my life ended at that same moment... except that I am still alive. My reason to live seemed gone because he was my everything. I have two other boys that are my everything's too though, and I have a wife of over 30 years who means a lot as well. Even still, it was as if a piece of me had been ripped out and smashed forever. As you can see, I understand how you may feel.

    Right now, celebrate every second that you and your husband have together. Even if he is in a bad situation, any situation is better than none at all... in my opinion. Ignore the relatives. My mother said some very horrible things when my son passed away and to me she exists no more. I will not talk to her and have not since that day. I won't reply to her mail, I won't answer her phone calls, etc. She lives far so I don't have to worry about seeing her. Again, you see I understand your situation since mine is similar in different ways... and yet the same.

    I don't know what the Samaritans are (I have gathered that they help people in the UK and I imagine that they are volunteers?). If they are volunteers, do not worry about expecting them to help you... that is the reason that they volunteer. If they are not volunteers, then they are being paid to help and so either way... let them do what they can for you. It is good to have support. You can't get it from your family, but you can get peer support. Can you contact the hospitals and find out if there are peer support groups for people who are going through the same things that you and your husband are? Often it is easier to relate to people who are in the same situation. Together, sometimes peers can help and support one another better than professionals can.

    Your husband wants you to fulfill your live and to be happy. Please him by trying to find ways to be that. Promise him you will continue on no matter what. Fall back onto your interests, your hobbies, your friends (peer support?), and perhaps volunteer to help others who are experiencing the same. Since losing my son, I have devoted my life to working toward educating suicide prevention. I do this so that others may gain... and in so doing, it helps the memory of my boy go on forever.

    Do the same.
    Best wishes to you.
  3. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    You are NOT A NOBODY!!! I read your post & PWA's response & feel guilty my pain is nothing compared to yours. I am so sorry you are going through all this...I have my husband but our relationship is in tatters. I watched my Mum lose her battle to cancer and it is unbelievably hard & I felt so alone I was 14 but I get how helpless you must feel. You are not selfish you are suffering too you need to be kind to yourself & please keep trying to find the right Dr a good one will get you & why you are depressed.
    Have you tried Macmillan? They were brilliant when my next door neighbour was fighting breast cancer I know they support the relatives as well as the patient!!
    Please be kind to yourself. Sending gentle hug
    Take care
    Ditsy xxx
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I do not think you are being selfish at all and that you deserve attention and care as well...sounds like your family is awful, planning what to do what your property...who does that? and the pdoc...what a fool! Glad you posted here and know that there are many people here who will understand
  5. anotherearthplease27

    anotherearthplease27 Well-Known Member

    I might be wrong in this ..but it sounds like your husband is incouraging you to be a little selfish...and quite honestly we all deserve to be a little's what keeps us grounded. Plus...if you are taking time out to take care of your needs, that is one less worry for your husband.

    I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time finding support...or should i say...benificial support. i know how frustrating that can be. i'm from the states,so i'm not you have social workers there.?..if you do maybe they could point you in the right direction. i suggest one because not only could they maybe able to help you find emotional support but maybe perhaps help you find help in helping to care for your husband... plus find you a dr for meds. do you go to a physchiatrist for your meds?...did you know your regular dr can prescribe them?

    as for your husbands relative threatening you...i would threaten them sounds like they violated confidntiality(i'm not sure...but i would think anyone working for a hospital would have had to sign a confidentiality contract.)

    your brother sounds lovely...not.

    is there anyone who could come stay with both of you....if not a friend, maybe someone from (a)church?

    I too think you are not are somebody...sounds like somebody special even. heart goes out to you. I am glad you came here.

    I agree with pickwithaustin...maybe try some peer support groups for might not solve the issues you are having with depression but at least you will be talking with others about a major concern that your family is trying to cope with.
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    You are definitely not being selfish. I'm just on the other side of what you are dealing with, having lost my other half to cancer recently. Please, pm me if you wish to talk at any time. I truly do understand how terribly difficult it is to look after the one we care for - nevermind trying to take care of ourselves too. :hug:
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