Being alone is not so fun.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ivorian, Aug 7, 2012.

  1. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    A long time ago I kept hearing few phrases quite often, like 'don't worry, your time will come' 'where are you hurrying so much?' 'everything will change'. Those things were said to me when I was young and tried to Live, and failed. Those sentences were supposed to be a positive thing, making me hope and believe, that actually, everything will be awesome in the future. Well, the future is now the present. And I can't see anything 'awesome' around me. One thing was truth - Everything did change. Just not in a positive way. I would have never believed, if someone would have said, that I'll be a negative, sad person when I'll grow up. Yet somehow that happened.

    There was a moment, when I decided to stop hurrying, I said to myself 'Alright, it's enough, I'll be calm, I'll wait for things to come themselves'. And that was a big mistake of mine. No, I was not trying to get ahead time by smoking, drinking or something like that, I just wanted to know more than I supposed to know, I seeked knowledge, new feelings, like love. And when I stopped hurrying, I stopped fully. Everything kept moving forward while I was standing still, and I lost my time. I can't get it back. I've lost those magical moments, like first kiss, or real friendships. But I will never have such memories, because I've failed at that.

    Also, I've made even bigger mistake by befriending computer. Games. Virtuality. Eventually everything was lost in reality and transferred into virtuality. I've lost my social skills. Even now, I can't get them back. I've became even more shy than I used to be. Awkwardly shy. Though I know, that there're lots of people like that, and I hope I'll fix at least this small detail eventually. I fight with my shy-self everyday. Bit by bit I might succeed.

    There was moments, when I wanted to die. I kept fighting that too. I won. I promised myself never to get that low on my emotion scale ever again.

    But now.. My emotional level is getting down again. I realised, that I have no friends. Even those few virtual friends keep disappearing because I accidentally hurt them by saying truth. It's hard for me to lie. I never liked that. Or maybe I just choose my friends wrong, I'll never know that. This evening, strange panic filled my mind - I couldn't find anyone to write something and I haven't talked with anyone for a long time. I tried random-chats with strangers, but that failed badly, I've tried looking through my friend lists, but couldn't find anyone who wouldn't be angry on me, or who would care at least a bit about me. I got scared. I started to question myself, search for reasons why did I waste my life, why did I fail so miserably at everything that now I am alone. And I found the answers. And they made me hurt even more than the questions. I can't stand the truth myself, the reality, I am the only one to blame for the situation I am in. I had millions of chances to fix something, to change something, and I never did. I am angry on the past-myself. I am angry on my present-myself. I have no idea how to fix everything Now. I just keep getting sad at every sight of someone's happiness, of someone's love. I become jealous, for no reason. And I don't want to let myself get even worse.

    The worst thing is that I don't have anything happy to remember. No back-up plan.. Nothing..

    And I'm sorry if I've missed the forum, I couldn't decide which one would be the best for this. I hope the moderators would fix that, if I did fail.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hey there!

    I don't have any good advice, but I just want to say that you seem like a very great person. I admire your ability to tell your story, and think that, once you meet the right kinds of people, you will start to see what true friendship can entail. I think that you don't have to be so hard on yourself. It doesn't do you any good, and furthermore, won't help going forward in the future. So, I say forget the negative past, and focus on the present. If you don't love that, because of where you are, try to find some hope for the future. Dream. It's ok! I wish you the best, and apologize for not having all the answers, for if I did, I probably wouldn't need to be here myself....

    Take Care!
  3. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    I was thinking a lot these past days. My never-ending thinking often gets me somewhere deep, from where I can't get out. I just can't stop doing that. This time is not an exception, because I'm drowning in my sea of negative thoughts. I thank you, mister, for seeing me among those, who really need the help more than I do. When I'm writing here, I often feel like I'm stealing the precious time from those, who might need it a lot more. One good thing happened, though, I can't feel sadness anymore. It turned into emptiness. And it feels a lot better :)
  4. chris2985

    chris2985 New Member

    please just remember things can get better, i came on here a couple of months ago thinking like you do but now i feel good, i have signed back in tonight to repay what help i got!!!!!!!!!!!just a way of getting it out!!!things will get better... i know they will..cos ive been through what your goin through xxxxxx