A long time ago I kept hearing few phrases quite often, like 'don't worry, your time will come' 'where are you hurrying so much?' 'everything will change'. Those things were said to me when I was young and tried to Live, and failed. Those sentences were supposed to be a positive thing, making me hope and believe, that actually, everything will be awesome in the future. Well, the future is now the present. And I can't see anything 'awesome' around me. One thing was truth - Everything did change. Just not in a positive way. I would have never believed, if someone would have said, that I'll be a negative, sad person when I'll grow up. Yet somehow that happened. There was a moment, when I decided to stop hurrying, I said to myself 'Alright, it's enough, I'll be calm, I'll wait for things to come themselves'. And that was a big mistake of mine. No, I was not trying to get ahead time by smoking, drinking or something like that, I just wanted to know more than I supposed to know, I seeked knowledge, new feelings, like love. And when I stopped hurrying, I stopped fully. Everything kept moving forward while I was standing still, and I lost my time. I can't get it back. I've lost those magical moments, like first kiss, or real friendships. But I will never have such memories, because I've failed at that. Also, I've made even bigger mistake by befriending computer. Games. Virtuality. Eventually everything was lost in reality and transferred into virtuality. I've lost my social skills. Even now, I can't get them back. I've became even more shy than I used to be. Awkwardly shy. Though I know, that there're lots of people like that, and I hope I'll fix at least this small detail eventually. I fight with my shy-self everyday. Bit by bit I might succeed. There was moments, when I wanted to die. I kept fighting that too. I won. I promised myself never to get that low on my emotion scale ever again. But now.. My emotional level is getting down again. I realised, that I have no friends. Even those few virtual friends keep disappearing because I accidentally hurt them by saying truth. It's hard for me to lie. I never liked that. Or maybe I just choose my friends wrong, I'll never know that. This evening, strange panic filled my mind - I couldn't find anyone to write something and I haven't talked with anyone for a long time. I tried random-chats with strangers, but that failed badly, I've tried looking through my friend lists, but couldn't find anyone who wouldn't be angry on me, or who would care at least a bit about me. I got scared. I started to question myself, search for reasons why did I waste my life, why did I fail so miserably at everything that now I am alone. And I found the answers. And they made me hurt even more than the questions. I can't stand the truth myself, the reality, I am the only one to blame for the situation I am in. I had millions of chances to fix something, to change something, and I never did. I am angry on the past-myself. I am angry on my present-myself. I have no idea how to fix everything Now. I just keep getting sad at every sight of someone's happiness, of someone's love. I become jealous, for no reason. And I don't want to let myself get even worse. The worst thing is that I don't have anything happy to remember. No back-up plan.. Nothing.. And I'm sorry if I've missed the forum, I couldn't decide which one would be the best for this. I hope the moderators would fix that, if I did fail.