I've been struggling with money pretty much my entire life and currently I am at a stage when I can't afford to buy food and medication, and, needless to say, it really gets me down. I don't feel very good about myself, and I've been told by nice people that every human being has worth - but it is hard to believe you have any worth when you're hungry and in pain because there is nothing you can offer to the world that would make anyone willing to give you food money in return.
For the last 7 years I've had a teaching job, where my hours would be dramatically cut every summer, sometimes down to zero. I got through it by making savings throughout the rest of the year, but the last year wasn't good at all. I had to have a surgery in January and that cost relatively a lot, then I got suspended for a month and a half due to a mental breakdown I had at work, then in two weeks after getting out of the suspension the lockdown started and while luckily I wasn't completely out of work, both my hours and salary were affected. As a result, I didn't save enough to last the summer and the little money I did save were borrowed by my roommate who can't pay them back now. By July I was out of hours and I was informed there would be no work for me for the rest of the summer, or possibly ever, since I am unlikely to be invited back in September. I started looking for a new job and currently I am in training, but I am not doing well, and I feel like they are going to drop me any day now. The new job depresses me, because I feel stupid and useless compared to other trainees that are doing better. I exhausted all the resources I had, so I am out of everything including food already. I have no one who would help me.
I'm physically unwell and physically and mentally exhausted. I am running on empty both literally and figuratively and I keep desperately wanting to end this, to stop feeling so tired and sick and hungry, and the happiest fantasy I get is just dying painlessly. I don't have much to motivate me to get through the "hard part" - I don't really have any goals or dreams, I don't know what I want to do in life as I grew to hate the only job I know how to do, and I don't really have friends or "loved ones". I keep asking myself why do I keep dragging myself through this day after day with no end in sight.
I know when I feel bad I can get in an irrational mindset, when I blow things out of proportion and I am unable to see the options that I do have though. So I would appreciate any practical or psychological advice on how to handle my situation.
For the last 7 years I've had a teaching job, where my hours would be dramatically cut every summer, sometimes down to zero. I got through it by making savings throughout the rest of the year, but the last year wasn't good at all. I had to have a surgery in January and that cost relatively a lot, then I got suspended for a month and a half due to a mental breakdown I had at work, then in two weeks after getting out of the suspension the lockdown started and while luckily I wasn't completely out of work, both my hours and salary were affected. As a result, I didn't save enough to last the summer and the little money I did save were borrowed by my roommate who can't pay them back now. By July I was out of hours and I was informed there would be no work for me for the rest of the summer, or possibly ever, since I am unlikely to be invited back in September. I started looking for a new job and currently I am in training, but I am not doing well, and I feel like they are going to drop me any day now. The new job depresses me, because I feel stupid and useless compared to other trainees that are doing better. I exhausted all the resources I had, so I am out of everything including food already. I have no one who would help me.
I'm physically unwell and physically and mentally exhausted. I am running on empty both literally and figuratively and I keep desperately wanting to end this, to stop feeling so tired and sick and hungry, and the happiest fantasy I get is just dying painlessly. I don't have much to motivate me to get through the "hard part" - I don't really have any goals or dreams, I don't know what I want to do in life as I grew to hate the only job I know how to do, and I don't really have friends or "loved ones". I keep asking myself why do I keep dragging myself through this day after day with no end in sight.
I know when I feel bad I can get in an irrational mindset, when I blow things out of proportion and I am unable to see the options that I do have though. So I would appreciate any practical or psychological advice on how to handle my situation.