Being broke

[Juella]

I've been struggling with money pretty much my entire life and currently I am at a stage when I can't afford to buy food and medication, and, needless to say, it really gets me down. I don't feel very good about myself, and I've been told by nice people that every human being has worth - but it is hard to believe you have any worth when you're hungry and in pain because there is nothing you can offer to the world that would make anyone willing to give you food money in return.

For the last 7 years I've had a teaching job, where my hours would be dramatically cut every summer, sometimes down to zero. I got through it by making savings throughout the rest of the year, but the last year wasn't good at all. I had to have a surgery in January and that cost relatively a lot, then I got suspended for a month and a half due to a mental breakdown I had at work, then in two weeks after getting out of the suspension the lockdown started and while luckily I wasn't completely out of work, both my hours and salary were affected. As a result, I didn't save enough to last the summer and the little money I did save were borrowed by my roommate who can't pay them back now. By July I was out of hours and I was informed there would be no work for me for the rest of the summer, or possibly ever, since I am unlikely to be invited back in September. I started looking for a new job and currently I am in training, but I am not doing well, and I feel like they are going to drop me any day now. The new job depresses me, because I feel stupid and useless compared to other trainees that are doing better. I exhausted all the resources I had, so I am out of everything including food already. I have no one who would help me.

I'm physically unwell and physically and mentally exhausted. I am running on empty both literally and figuratively and I keep desperately wanting to end this, to stop feeling so tired and sick and hungry, and the happiest fantasy I get is just dying painlessly. I don't have much to motivate me to get through the "hard part" - I don't really have any goals or dreams, I don't know what I want to do in life as I grew to hate the only job I know how to do, and I don't really have friends or "loved ones". I keep asking myself why do I keep dragging myself through this day after day with no end in sight.

I know when I feel bad I can get in an irrational mindset, when I blow things out of proportion and I am unable to see the options that I do have though. So I would appreciate any practical or psychological advice on how to handle my situation.

 

[sinking_ship]

Hi, welcome to SF. Money problems really can just exacerbate everything, I know. If you are in the US you can try calling 211 to see what resources are in your area. If you aren't taking care of yourself physically, it's going to be hard to get the other stuff in check, so you need to make sure you are eating. There must be food banks wherever you are, so you can make sure you have enough to live on at least. I know it's hard to see past the irrational thoughts, but you can find a way through this.

 

[Juella]

Hey, thank you very much for your kind words.

If you aren't taking care of yourself physically, it's going to be hard to get the other stuff in check, so you need to make sure you are eating. There must be food banks wherever you are, so you can make sure you have enough to live on at least.

I did a bit of a research and found out that there is a food bank where I live, but they don't distribute food to individuals, only to non-profit organisations that work with orphans, elderly etc. And I guess even if they were distributing food to individuals, I wouldn't qualify, being an adult of working age.

 

[sinking_ship]

Hey, thank you very much for your kind words.


I did a bit of a research and found out that there is a food bank where I live, but they don't distribute food to individuals, only to non-profit organisations that work with orphans, elderly etc. And I guess even if they were distributing food to individuals, I wouldn't qualify, being an adult of working age.

Oh wow, that's very different than anywhere I've ever lived, I'm surprised by that. Nothing run by a church maybe? I've experienced many places that will give a box, no questions asked. But maybe you are in a small town or something. It's possible that with the pandemic, there might be some other option operating temporarily, since so many are out of work. I hope you can figure out something.

As far as mental well-being, well, a lot of us here are in a similar boat, it's not easy. I hope you can stick around and poke around the forums a bit. It can help to see you're not alone.

 

[KM76710]

I agree with sinking_ship with all going pandemic wise for many financially many churches and other organizations are setting up to help those in need.

 

[hope_cope_nope]

What country do you live in? Is economy bad where you are?

Do you have parents or other family?

What are you training at and what did you teach? Is the subject you were teaching useful on its own?

 

[alixer]

I've been struggling with money pretty much my entire life and currently I am at a stage when I can't afford to buy food and medication, and, needless to say, it really gets me down. I don't feel very good about myself, and I've been told by nice people that every human being has worth - but it is hard to believe you have any worth when you're hungry and in pain because there is nothing you can offer to the world that would make anyone willing to give you food money in return.

For the last 7 years I've had a teaching job, where my hours would be dramatically cut every summer, sometimes down to zero. I got through it by making savings throughout the rest of the year, but the last year wasn't good at all. I had to have a surgery in January and that cost relatively a lot, then I got suspended for a month and a half due to a mental breakdown I had at work, then in two weeks after getting out of the suspension the lockdown started and while luckily I wasn't completely out of work, both my hours and salary were affected. As a result, I didn't save enough to last the summer and the little money I did save were borrowed by my roommate who can't pay them back now. By July I was out of hours and I was informed there would be no work for me for the rest of the summer, or possibly ever, since I am unlikely to be invited back in September. I started looking for a new job and currently I am in training, but I am not doing well, and I feel like they are going to drop me any day now. The new job depresses me, because I feel stupid and useless compared to other trainees that are doing better. I exhausted all the resources I had, so I am out of everything including food already. I have no one who would help me.

I'm physically unwell and physically and mentally exhausted. I am running on empty both literally and figuratively and I keep desperately wanting to end this, to stop feeling so tired and sick and hungry, and the happiest fantasy I get is just dying painlessly. I don't have much to motivate me to get through the "hard part" - I don't really have any goals or dreams, I don't know what I want to do in life as I grew to hate the only job I know how to do, and I don't really have friends or "loved ones". I keep asking myself why do I keep dragging myself through this day after day with no end in sight.

I know when I feel bad I can get in an irrational mindset, when I blow things out of proportion and I am unable to see the options that I do have though. So I would appreciate any practical or psychological advice on how to handle my situation.

I’m in a similar boat. I try to remind myself that it’s no accident that I have the opportunities I have. I worked for them, even if I’m not the greatest. And in time, I will get better at them. Find a way to secure nutrition, even if you have to ask for help. Someone out there can help. Don’t give up. You need your strength. There is no shame in doing everything you can to keep going. Reach out to politicians, churches, contact those organizations. Explain your situation.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

My heart goes out to you. I've had financial struggles most of my life and they have exhausted me. Can you not get unemployment? Some of the jobs that have helped me when I've been desperate were office temping, market research telephone jobs, fast food and deliveries. I'm not sure how many jobs are out there now though due to the current situation. We have food banks in every city in Canada. I sure hope you can get enough to get by. You might try a site like Upwork which has a lot of work-from-home stuff. Also do you have anything you could sell? I've sold stuff on ebay like DVDs, purses, watches and used clothing. Anything you can put in a padded envelope is good. You can comb through Goodwill and other thrift places and sell stuff on ebay if you find anything good. I've regularly found clothing with tags still attached, brand names etc. Just ideas.

 

[Juella]

Thank you for the support everyone, it means a lot to me!

What country do you live in? Is economy bad where you are?

I guess this is a question crucial to the discussion. I'm in Ukraine. If you know anything about my country at all, you can probably guess the economy is bad, to put it mildly. I'd make a point not to overdramatize here though, I obviously have a computer with Internet access, and so does everyone I know, hunger and homelessness aren't really widespread issues, and I even have an old buddy that was just showing off his brand new Audi A7 a couple days ago, so I suppose things aren't as bad as people might imagine.

Do you have parents or other family?

I do have parents, but to keep it short, they 100% aren't going to help.

What are you training at and what did you teach? Is the subject you were teaching useful on its own?

I'm training for an office job coordinating online promotional campaigns (I'd say "marketing", but my particular responsibilities are mostly planning, putting information into multiple databases so it all comes together, and writing a lot of emails). This doesn't have a lot to do with my previous experience as a teacher of computer science-related subjects. While I did teach web-development, I realize that objectively I do not have skills that could land me a job in web-development, taking in account my age, location and current economical situation. I tried to make money freelancing, but the market is too competitive for me at the moment, it takes too much attempts and hard work to land and complete even a very cheap job, it's just not sustainable.

I’m in a similar boat. I try to remind myself that it’s no accident that I have the opportunities I have. I worked for them, even if I’m not the greatest.

I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. But it seems like you have a great way of thinking, thank you for sharing it.

Reach out to politicians, churches, contact those organizations. Explain your situation.

Honestly, that's reasonable, but sounds absolutely terrifying to me.

Can you not get unemployment?

Not really, since I am already in training for a new job. Maybe if I get dropped from there...

Also do you have anything you could sell?

I don't think so. I pretty much only had money for necessities my whole life, I don't think I own anything I can give up that is still in a usable condition. But I'll think about it and I might think of something.

 

[hope_cope_nope]

Hey, I come from Poland and I know what Ukraine looks like.

What's wrong with your parents? My parents also didn't help me when I needed it most and it hurt as f*ck.

Did you try moving abroad or working remotely? There are 2 million Ukrainians in Poland alone.
Did you try to post your profile on some job boards, LinkedIn etc.? You can find a gig abroad, especially in UK and Germany. The rates are often 5x more than in eastern Europe and if you live in Ukraine your cost of living will be very low. Web development has a very low entry bar, which is a good thing. It's not true that the market is competitive. If you have a good profile, you can find a gig.

Another one. I don't know what value system you believe in, but you should seriously find a husband. Trying to get through this world alone is the greatest idiocy of our times, and most people fail at it miserably. Your boyfriend told you you were not attached to him. Most guys mean what they say literally. Learn from that mistake and try to get better.

 

[sinking_ship]

Another one. I don't know what value system you believe in, but you should seriously find a husband. Trying to get through this world alone is the greatest idiocy of our times, and most people fail at it miserably. Your boyfriend told you you were not attached to him. Most guys mean what they say literally. Learn from that mistake and try to get better.

Seriously? "Getting a husband" isn't an item one can check off a list, or a skillset one can get better at.

 

[hope_cope_nope]

Yes it is. Human relationships are a skill. We call them social skills. Getting a husband is a skill that falls in a broad category of social skills.

That said, everyone has different values and that's fine. If the OP believes in independence and doesn't want a husband, let it be. There are still things one can do staying independent.

I just happen to know the culture of eastern Europe, talking from my own experience.

Speaking of you, @sinking_ship, I'm not saying you should have a husband (or shouldn't for that matter). You have my full support whatever decision you make.

 

[Sunspots]

Trying to get through this world alone is the greatest idiocy of our times

No. It's not. Getting married purely to make life financially easier or just because you don't want to be alone is idiocy.
It's probably a better idea to rent a room in a shared house rather than marry someone for any other reason but love.

 

[Sassy Cat]

Ahh just FYI a husband can also make your financial situation worse but I digress. @Juella I think financial issues can be very stressful. It’s not always easy paying all the bills. will be back to write more later

 

[Sassy Cat]

I feel it’s sad so much comes down to having money for even just the essentials. I hope this new job works out try not to get frustrated with feeling you are not doing well it should get easier with time. I don’t know how it is there but it seems easier to get a job if you have one. Stay safe and strong and know it can get better I am sending positive thoughts your way

 

[LonelyHiker]

No. It's not. Getting married purely to make life financially easier or just because you don't want to be alone is idiocy.
It's probably a better idea to rent a room in a shared house rather than marry someone for any other reason but love.

Took the words out of my mouth...

I've been alone for most of my life and have done just fine.

 

[Juella]

@sassy123, thank you so much for your support and positive thoughts. You're very kind.

I don't really know what else to say. I guess the bottom line is that I am indeed stupid because my whole life I was trying to make it on my own without relying on anyone. But I am just not smart enough, not good enough to be independent. And I'd rather not be alive at all then mold myself and my life around someone else.
That said, there's an update. I got paid. I bought groceries and had a nice dinner today. I probably shouldn't have spent as much as I did, but I don't care. I'm beyond the point of planning for the future. I'm sorry if this is not a right thing to share here, but I am worse off mentally then I was when I first started this thread. Not that I don't appreciate the support, I am very grateful for your time and kind words, and many messages here made me smile and feel warm inside.

 

[sinking_ship]

I guess the bottom line is that I am indeed stupid because my whole life I was trying to make it on my own without relying on anyone.

This definitely doesn't make you stupid.

But I am just not smart enough, not good enough to be independent.

Life throws curve balls. Some of them are ones we can handle, some aren't. It doesn't mean anything about *you* as a person that things haven't gone your way. You are still young, there can be a lot of opportunities ahead of you.

But yes, I understand the not planning mindset. Just worry about one day at a time for now. Hang in there.

 

[Juella]

Thank you!

Life throws curve balls. Some of them are ones we can handle, some aren't. It doesn't mean anything about *you* as a person that things haven't gone your way.

You're being too kind. Yes, life did throw some curveballs my way, some of them were there from the moment I was born, like where I was born, in what kind of family, my birth defects, that's just something I had to deal with. But struggling to find a job does say things about me as a person, even if the economy is bad. If other people get hired and I don't, something is clearly wrong with me.

But I think I'll take the advice on worrying about one day at a time for now. I am not in a position to figure out a self-improvement plan that will allow me to build a career, the best I can hope for now is making it through the day safely. Maybe one day I'll feel better and I'll be able to start making bigger steps then.

 

[Juella]

I'm sorry for just double-post here, but I today I am supposed to do a presentation on completing the task that I still hadn't figured out how to do at work, and I wish the earth could swallow me whole. I know I can't just don't go there, but I really wish I could. Just needed to get it off my chest.