I constantly feel like my death is coming closer every waking moment. Sometimes I fear it, other times I welcome it and research ways to get it over with. <Mod Edit Methods> But I haven't gone through with it yet. I made a measly attempt half a year ago <Edit - Methods>, but it only left me bedridden for days. Anyways, on the outside I suppose my life looks fine. I was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder at the beginning of this year and the oncoming illness caused me to drop out of college. Now I am too depressed and distracted to even think about attending college again, ever. I don't see anything in my future. I stopped taking my medication. Why would I take something that only causes me to sleep all day and makes me more susceptible to being controlled by big brother? I often wish I had [died]. I don't have any good friends and my boyfriend is an idiot. My family doesn't agree with any of my decisions and pretty much cut me out of their life. I really wish I had friends but I'm too anxious to talk to anyone. And I act strange, nobody really likes me. I'm too depressed to do anything either so I'm very boring to be with. I've gotten to the point where I can't cope with being at work without bringing alcohol with me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really considering snuffing it. I feel like I don't have a lot of time left.