Being called by the spirit of Death

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I constantly feel like my death is coming closer every waking moment. Sometimes I fear it, other times I welcome it and research ways to get it over with. <Mod Edit Methods> But I haven't gone through with it yet. I made a measly attempt half a year ago <Edit - Methods>, but it only left me bedridden for days. Anyways, on the outside I suppose my life looks fine. I was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder at the beginning of this year and the oncoming illness caused me to drop out of college. Now I am too depressed and distracted to even think about attending college again, ever. I don't see anything in my future. I stopped taking my medication. Why would I take something that only causes me to sleep all day and makes me more susceptible to being controlled by big brother? I often wish I had [died]. I don't have any good friends and my boyfriend is an idiot. My family doesn't agree with any of my decisions and pretty much cut me out of their life. I really wish I had friends but I'm too anxious to talk to anyone. And I act strange, nobody really likes me. I'm too depressed to do anything either so I'm very boring to be with. I've gotten to the point where I can't cope with being at work without bringing alcohol with me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really considering snuffing it. I feel like I don't have a lot of time left.
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Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
SF Supporter
Hi, Candace, welcome to SF. I'm sorry you're feeling so rough right now. I'm really glad you haven't gone through with hurting/offing yourself! You seem like a caring, sincere person...the world needs more like you. *hug*

The doses for meds for psychosis often need to be fine-tuned. I agree with Rockclimbinggirl that maybe you could talk to your doctor...about the meds, how you're feeling, why you discontinued the meds. Many side effects wear off when people have been on a med long enough to get it into their system so it really helps. And there are different meds - maybe you need a different one. It can't hurt to ask.

Please don't make life decisions, especially life and death decisions, when you are not feeling well. I know of many people whose lives have turned around with some help. Please stay safe. Keep us posted about how you're doing.
Thank you everyone.

I don't like to take medication because I don't believe I need it. I feel as if I aught to learn how to control my mind on my own and get better using natural methods. I also believe most prescription medications are worse for you in the long run.

I don't like talking to my doctor because he doesn't seem to be truly concerned with my wellbeing. All he does is talk about medication and how I should go to the hospital. That makes me mad, the hospital is only a place to wallow in misery.


Safety and Support
SF Supporter
Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. I have a best friend who suffers from a psychotic condition too, and I can tell it's not easy. But some of her meds are really helping her. She's had her meds changed a lot of times, and the doses altered but sometimes they manage to hit a sweet spot.

Do you have a psychiatrist or a therapist you can talk to about all of this? If you don't trust your doctor, could you find another you would trust more?

Have you considered group sessions with people with similar condition such as yours? That could help you find friends who might understand you better, at least as a start... or what about joining social or sports clubs if you're able to?

Don't give up on yourself, hun. I know things are tough, but it can get better. It might take some work, but it can happen
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