Well...I don't know where to start. My mom died when I was 12 and that made my teens a nightmare. I experimented with a lot of drugs to ease the pain. But more dangerously, I isolated myself completely. Besides school, the kitchen, and the bathroom I was in my room. I never did anything. I started to get better when I was around 18 and find some peace, but then my dad got diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He died when I was 20. I'm almost 23 now and life's not worth living. I'm severely depressed some of the time about my parents. Some of the time I'm fine. This probably isn't a very organized statement, I'm sorry. I was diagnosed with a heart condition with no cure. It could be deadly one day. It affects the quality of my life. I'm on a medication that's making my hair fall out. But this is what makes me very suicidal. Read this if nothing else. When my dad died, he left me a little life insurance money. I stupidly didn't get a job and save it, I spent it on bills for the house. Now I've spent years looking for a job and I can't find one. I apply retail places, fast food, work-study jobs at my college. I can't find one and I don't know why. So I've had to depend on the one relative I have left, my uncle. He pays all my necessary bills. He's kept me from being homeless. I should be thankful right? He is so controlling. He asks me questions that are none of his business. He won't let my boyfriend stay over at my house (it's my house, the deed is in my name). I'm not allowed to take more than 2 showers a week and he keeps track of my water. I'm not allowed to have my air conditioning below 78 degrees. He makes me open my mail in front of him to make sure it's not any sort of money or check. He makes me tell him my exact school schedule each semester and if I'm not at school (sometimes for a valid reason, like a professor cancels class) he'll make me prove why I'm not. He's come into my house before while I was gone and I don't know what he did. He tells me I'm lazy and can't find a job on purpose. WHY WOULDNT I WANT A JOB??? WHY WOULD I WANT TO KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS??? He makes fun of my housekeeping and tells me my dead parents would be disappointed. I can't tell him to stop this because I depend on him. I have no other family, and no other friends. I live in the rural south and the economy is so bad I don't see me getting employed anytime soon. If I tell him to F off I'll lose electricity, gas, water, my car...everything. And he makes me feel guilty too. He says he goes hungry and I'm such a financial burden. I know I am. I'm grateful he's helping me. But he's making it hell. This is the final straw. My nearest psychiatrist in about a half hour away. I finally reached out and went for a consult. They diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I have an appointment on the 24th for therapy and a medication consultation. I was over the moon about this, the idea of finally feeling better. Of getting to talk to someone. My uncle told me he only expected to pay for me to go once. He didn't want me to get therapy just on some sort of medication. I don't have the gas money to go back for help, and he's not giving it to me. He told me to go to my general Dr. and tell him to just give me an antidepressant because I don't have the money to go to a psychiatrist. He said to tell him I'm suicidal so he will. My general Dr. REFERRED me to the psychiatrist because with my heart condition and severe depression he doesn't want to treat me himself. So that's me. I'm an ungrateful parasite that's taking all my uncle's money. And my chance for psychiatric help is gone. And this morning, my car wouldn't start. FML accordingly. All I want is help, I need it. I need it to live but my uncle doesn't believe me.