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Being friends with your ex

Discussion in 'I Need Some Practical Advice' started by Shannew, Feb 15, 2018.

  1. Shannew

    Shannew Chat Pro

    Hey guys, I was just wondering if anyone has managed to become friends with an ex after being together for 3 months or more. If so how did this happen/what did you have to do to make it work?

    I think maybe its possible once there are no romantic feelings involved and both parties are willing to be friends?

    Please share any experiences thanks :)
  2. nobodyknows71

    nobodyknows71 Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I personally don’t have experience in this but I’d be wary of staying friends with someone you’d just broken up with. I mean there’s a reason or multiple reasons why you’re not together anymore.

    If time has passed and you’ve both moved on it may be possible. If it was to work I think there may be the need for time and space from each other to get to a point when you’re both in a place to feel ok with it.

    No matter who broke up with who, or whether you can stay friends or not, just don’t loose sight of YOU and what’s right for you and you’re well-being, because at the end of the day that’s down to you to take care of and shouldn’t be jeopardised at any cost.

    Take care of you
    Shannew likes this.
  3. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    I'm friends with all kinds of exes. Its no big thing if time has passed out both of you have honestly moved on. If there are unresolved feelings that shiz is just not gonna work real well.
    DrownedFishOnFire and Shannew like this.
  4. Gracie Gregg

    Gracie Gregg Member

    I think it's good to resolve hurt feelings or awkward connections with people. Personally it took some time before I was friends with my exes, but with the ones who were good friends before we dated were always the best to be friends with again. I think it's important to give some situations space to "breathe" and let some emotions resolve on their own between you and the ex. I hope you're able to achieve what you want in a safe and healthy manner!
    Shannew likes this.
  5. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    I've only done it when we've fallen out so badly that I'm no longer attracted to them and can't remember why I was with them in the first place. Despite my trash talking, I now find the person I'm think of... tolerable. It's not exactly a friendship, more like acquaintances.
    Shannew likes this.
  6. Shannew

    Shannew Chat Pro

    Thanks everyone for your replies :)
    @nobodyknows71 I completely agree with you, there needs to be enough time passed so I'm waiting a couple of weeks for things to calm down and sort out. In terms of whats good for myself, I hate being in a position of "we had a connection, now we can never talk to each other again" whether it be in relationships or friendships, and i already have SO many of those, I want to fix the previous ones and this one too. Idk somewhere in my heart i still want to be there for him as a friend because i know hes going through a hard time. I didn't do anything wrong but he thinks i did so i let him believe it so he could get over me and then i can tell him the truth and hopefully we can patch things up...

    @walkerbait95 Yes those pesky unresolved feelings.. still trying to get rid of mine.. hopefully by the time i decide to reengage with him they will be gone..

    @Gracie Gregg thanks gracie! I'll try to do exactly that! Hope it works out as well as yours did

    @Paisley haha! tolerable is good! yes attraction could be a problem though..
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Like Walker said, if one truly moved on there wouldn't be any issues maintaining that friendship. You can be the bestest of friends as you guys cant live together thing and need space from one another. I still talk to some of my exes from now and then if needed to ask a question or talk about a topic or giving them support when needed and hang out once in a while with no feelings attached. For a certain ex there is no way I will even try to be friends with once that true color was shown. It depends on who you are and who they are. No set rules about it whatsoever as everyone is different
    Shannew likes this.
  8. Daíthí

    Daíthí What will be will be Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Coordinator SF Supporter

    From personal experience it's very difficult to maintain a friendship, especially if the break up was messy. Too much bad blood. Personally I'm not in communication with most of my exes due to the way things ended. If you do want to go down that route you need to make sure there's no left over feelings, or if there are you're both stable enough to work through them. I can't add much that hasn't been said already. It's certainly not impossible, but i'd advise caution if that's a route you're considering :)
    Shannew likes this.
  9. Ash600

    Ash600 SF Creative SF Supporter

    Can be done, but time needs to pass so as to ensure any romantic feelings from either of the two has long since dissipated and there's no chance of these feelings being ressurected. Otherwise things could get messy and confused and jeopardise a potential plutonic relationship.

    I understand where you are coming from, and you seem to be a person of a good kind heart, but these things must be given time as you are aware of so as to prevent any further heartache.
    Shannew likes this.
  10. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    I've only had one real relationship. The relationship ended with an emotional trainwreck, but it was a situation that was out of both of our control, so, it made sense to stay friends. Unfortunately, that didn't work out. Drifted apart, left over pain and feelings. Eventually, we agreed to not go out of our way to talk to each other. After a few months of not talking, I decided to remove her on all social media just to put that final nail in the coffin and move on with my life.

    I think a point that some people might miss on this issue is this: I believe that it's hard to maintain a friendship, any friendship, when it's more important, or means somethings else to one of the people compared to the other. And when you've been romantically involved with someone, there's a whole other layer to that. Even with no left over feelings, when one is going "everything is gonna be the same, minus the romance and sex", while the other is just "I still wanna stay in touch and catch up every now and again", it's just not gonna work out well.

    The way I feel about it ultimately is, whatever you need to do to move on. If you can't stay friends, than that's honestly understandable and nothing to feel guilty about. If you can, that's great.
    Shannew likes this.
  11. Shannew

    Shannew Chat Pro

    You're right Ash, I didn't want to admit it but I probably want to be friends so bad because I miss being with him everyday. I think I will give it a few more months, work on being in a position where I'm not dependent on his attention anymore and see if I still want to be friends with him and then reach out.
  12. Shannew

    Shannew Chat Pro

    Thanks for the advice theeda, it makes sense. It is ultimately up to him if he wants to be close friends like I want to. I think personally I see that he's in a difficult position in life (newly developed depression, work stress, just moved and doesn't have any family or friends here) and if he needs someone i want to be there even if he's dating other people or leaves me as soon as he feels better.. which he might do even if we agree to be friends. Or maybe he's worked everything out by now or is so angry at me that he doesn't even care that he has to suffer alone.. idk I just want to help at the end of the day..
  13. Ash600

    Ash600 SF Creative SF Supporter

    The main thing is that although you don't want to admit it, you are aware of your desire to be friends with him and the danger it can cause by you getting hurt again due to the fact that you are still missing him.
    It's big of you and kind hearted to still want to be there for him from a purely supportive aspect, but you really need to put yourself first in this instance and protect yourself from any further hurt. By allowing yourself a few months so as to be in a position whereby you are no longer dependant on his attentions seems a good idea. As is often said, to help others, sometimes you need to help yourself first.
    Shannew likes this.
  14. JD4010

    JD4010 Well-Known Member

    FWIW, I'm better friends with my ex now than I was for the last 10 years of our 30 year marriage. We have a daughter between us so that "helps" I guess.

    On edit: we have been divorced for 3.5 years now.
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2018