Being honest could increase my thoughts of suicide, need advice.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Starfinder, Mar 9, 2013.

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  1. Starfinder

    Starfinder Member

    Hi, I'm not sure If I'm posting this in the right place and I apologise for its length in advance, any advice would be appreciated.

    I really don't know what to do.Ive completely messed up my life and destroyed and tainted any of the good things I've ever done. I need to tell a female friend about what I have done but I'm afraid she will push me away although I could completely understand why she would do that.

    I met her on an online dating website just after Christmas. About a month later an incident took place that caused my whole life to come crashing down around me and I only have myself to blame. All my friends that I have told have distanced themselves from me and I was unable to tell anybody in my family due to my own shame and the fact that it would hurt them to find out what I have done . Unfortunately I was unable to find the strength to stop my online relationship as she was the only positive thing happening in my life.

    About a month ago I became severely depressed due to my isolation and started seriously contemplating suicide (still am If I'm honest) and decided it was probably the right time to stop the relationship via email. I didn't want to hurt her later on if I did decide to kill myself or if she found out what I had done. I told her that something traumatic had happened to me that had caused me to become very depressed and that I had done something awful although I did not tell her what it was. She sent a reply urging me to get help but said that she would like to stay friends. I replied that I would gladly except her friendship but that she was under no obligation to stay friends with me and that she should ask me about what I had done.

    Since then I have been in contact with a home crisis team which has helped a lot and me and my female friend send about a dozen texts to each other every day although we are still to meet. She still hasn't asked me about what I have done either even though I have hinted that she should. I'm feeling guilt about the fact that she could be really hurt if she stays associated with me. A nurse from the home crisis team told me that she is an adult and that I had given her the choice to ask me about it and that I shouldn't push her away.

    She is the only reason why I bother to get out of bed and I know that I'm in love with her for the kindness that she has shown me. She has shown me hope for the future and it is saving my life.

    The problem is I've been planning two different futures. A future where I tell her what I have done and she stands by me which gives me a reason to live on. The other is a future where I'm rejected and I kill myself. I know that it is selfish and that I shouldn't put all my hopes and dreams into one person. Everybody else's perceptions about me have changed and the loneliness, shame and guilt is killing me. I can't afford to loose her friendship as well.

    Today I finally suggested that we should meet up within the next week. She thought it would also be a good idea. So the question is do I tell her the truth at the risk of her response triggering my suicide? If I do tell her should it be sooner rather than later?

    In some ways I'm really hoping she rejects me so that it removes some of the guilt I'm currently feeling. Then I'm free to take my own life and to be free of the nightmare that I'm currently living in, thoughts of my death make me very happy at times. I know that it will hurt my family but society will have no use for me once all the bad things happen and I think that this overrides my families grief so I'm probably better off dead. My death seems like the only honorable thing left that I have control over and perhaps I will not have the friend that I love finding out what I have done.

    Any advice would be great
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Starfinder. :hug:

    Welcome to SF! It sounds like you are human - you made a mistake. We all do - I've certainly made a few biggies of my own. If you have learned from whatever happened, could you leave it in the past and move on now? (Really, not much of a choice there...we can't change the past, so best to move on.)

    I like what the crisis team nurse told you. The female is an adult and could ask you about what happened if she chose to.

    Growing happens when we make mistakes, Starfinder. Sounds like you have done a lot of growing because you are feeling badly and remorseful. You don't need to live in guilt and remorse...their purpose is obviously already served because you have learned what you would and would not do again in the future. And I believe there is a good future for you if you look for it. *nods*

    Be safe...
  3. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    If you honestly feel like you can't live your life happily without telling her I think it would be good to consider telling her. She could reject you but what do you have to lose? If your going to do it if you don't tell her why not take a shot and try and tell her?

    I've been in a situation like that. My life was on a crash course and I was nearly ready to commit suicide. I was almost sure of it. I became so isolated and didn't like talking to people. I told a long distance friend my problems and they left me on the spot. I thought it was the last straw until one day one of her friends started texting me and a month later she said she liked me and wanted to be in a relationship...I was sitting there thinking how could this ever work? She lives 350miles away and I'm a Junior in in HS and she is a year younger. But I thought either I give this a shot and hey maybe it works, or I don't try and I commit suicide. I was just like you and I wanted to just give up, but I didn't and gave it a shot. After 7 months it may just end up saving my life.

    It's hard when I don't know what exactly you did. But from what you have said you have nothing to lose, so why not give it a shot?
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It sounds like you have given her plenty of opportunities for her to ask you. Maybe she doesn't need to know because she would stay friends with you regardless. Like the crisis worker said, she is an adult and if she wants to know then she will ask you. It kind of sounds like you deliberately want to isolate yourself, which is one of the symptoms of depression. Value the support your friend is giving you, she obviously wants to stay friends with you because she is clearly not deterred about what you may have done. She sounds like a good one. Don't force the issue when it doesn't need to be forced. Continue seeking help from the home crisis team, confide in them and seek help that way. Don't try to deliberately isolate yourself because you feel like you cause everyone suffering and pain, that is the black cloud of depression, not who you really are.
  5. Starfinder

    Starfinder Member

    Many thanks for all the good advice :) It has given me lots to think about.

    The problem is I've not yet been punished for what I've done and it is probably going to result in me losing my job and much more. It will reduce my prospects for the future and change every bodies perception of me as a decent human being. I won't be given a second chance and to be honest I feel as though I have fore fitted any right to future happiness. They will never stop punishing me. I kind of feel as though taking my life is the only way to show that I'm truly sorry. I don't think I'm strong enough to survive having my character ripped apart in public.

    To make it all worse I had left my face book account logged on at my brother's house and my brother read a conversation about my situation between me and an old friend that I had been talking too. My brother phoned me this morning saying that he knew of what I had done and that I had been thinking of suicide. He was really supportive and said that he didn't care less about what I had done. I'm not really sure how to feel about him knowing as it is now another thing that I no longer have control over and I don't know if it makes suicide less or more likely. I'm feeling completely numb at the moment and finding it difficult to process. I don't really want to talk to him anymore in case he tries to make me feel guilty about my possible intent. I really don't understand my own logic any more, I don't understand what I'm writing but in my head it feels right. My plans/fantasies of death are the only things allowing me to cope at the moment and feels as though even that could be taken away from me. I just want all the pain inside my head to stop.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2013
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Starfinder, I think you clearly understand that your thoughts of suicide are offering you an "escape fantasy" of sorts. The idea of suicide gives us a twisted sense of being able to "control" how much pain we will put up with..."If it gets too bad, I will kill myself." (I'm not recommending that, btw.) Suicide is a last resort idea. The emotionally charged situations that might lead one to feel suicidal can make it hard to remember that there are always OTHER life-affirming, constructive options. I think your brother is offering to be there for you so that you might find those other options that could work for you.

    Your brother sounds like an amazing person! He found out whatever it is that happened, and he is telling you that he cares more about YOU and YOUR FUTURE than about the mistake you made. He knows that people make mistakes, and he obviously forgives you for yours and would like to support you in forgiving yourself and setting yourself a new path for a good future life.

    What we feel is what we feel - we don't have much control over feelings; however, what we do in response to our feelings is very much under our control. We don't have to act on our feelings. So I can see feeling like crap, wanting to scream with self-recrimination and frustration, hating the impending sense of punishment/doom to come, feeling embarrassed, and in general, hurting a LOT. Perhaps you could accept that those are your feelings. THEN, figure out some steps that will either limit the damage or give you a new goal in life, and take what happened and turn it into a major life changing point for yourself - a chance to set yourself on a new, very positive path. Your brother sees that your potential for that. I certainly see your potential for that. I would love it if you could also see it.

    Be safe and keep talking to us. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2013
  7. Starfinder we all make mistakes and you lead on that this was a big one. My mind can take me places to guess what it may be you have done but all mistakes are forgivable. You are the main person you need to forgive. what is done is done -possibly you can move to another state and pick up the pieces and start a new? I don't know if your hinting to the fact that you might to time for this? Maybe that is fueiling your fear to take your life?
  8. Starfinder

    Starfinder Member

    Thanks for taking the time Acy and Seekinganswers :)

    You are right Acy my brother is an amazing person and I'm really proud of the person that he has become but I feel ashamed for him to be associated with me.

    The worst thing is, is that the previous 5 months before the incident had probably been the best of my life due to meeting a lady online (a different lady from the one mentioned above and what I would count as my first proper relationship). I felt I had finally found myself after 10 years of being miserable. I was starting to see how great people and life could be. I was closer to my family than I had ever been and I was growing in confidence. Through this I became a much better person and It was helping me to address certain past behaviours.

    Unfortunately she decided the relationship wasn't right. It took me a while to get over her and to realise that there was not a romantic connection but I really missed her friendship especially as she had shown me so much (admittedly I was depressed as it hit my self esteem very hard). After a month of intermittent correspondence she sent me an email saying she would be happy to be my friend and I can not overstate how important it was to still have her in my life in some form, it feels as though it was the peak of my life as I was developing a new romantic relationship and I also had a really good friendship. This was 7 hours and 54 minutes before I was arrested. It felt as though I had died and I've not really been living ever since. So what was initially one of the best days of my life turned into one of the worst days of my life.

    So I think I have some slight paranoia about the timing of all this as though someone had dangled the prospect of a really good life in front of me, shown me how I should lead my life and then it was all taken away from me. If it had happened last summer I wouldn't have cared as I had nothing to loose. As soon as I did have all things I wanted they were gone even though I was a much better person. I just understand what the point of it is anymore.

    Don't get me wrong I do want to live especially as I now know what I want from life. Unfortunately I am really fearful of receiving some type of custodial sentence. I just want to know that I will be happy and be able to make other people happy after all the bad things have finished. I would never do the things that I have done again but if I went through some kind of sentence only to the discover that the rest of my life would not be productive and full of pain and misery then what would be the point. I might as well end it all now and save everybody else the hassle of supporting me. I'm finding it too scary to contemplate and I wish I had a time machine just to be sure. Death seems less scary than what could happen.

    To cap it all off my sister has been accepted into the police force recently and her boy friend works for the police force. Thankfully they are not local to me and so do not know what has happened. I'm really fearful of the embarrassment that I'm going to cause them especially as its my sisters dream job.

    The really strange thing is I know that if I can through this nothing is ever going to scare me ever again. I used to get quite anxious and avoided doing simple things like talking to strangers and driving to new places.

    I'm really sorry for the length of this post. Its just as though everything is too complicated and I'm unable to break it down inside my head.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Ahhh, I see now, it's the sense of fear and anxiety over possible custodial time. Of course, I don't know what happened and all, but isn't "possible" the key word to focus on in "possible custodial time"? It sounds as though you do not have a previous record, and with luck, that fact would play in your favor. Do you have legal representation? A good lawyer could help present your case in the most favorable way.

    If I were in your shoes, I would take the support your brother is offering. Again, this sounds like a first bit of trouble, not a long history of misdeeds. Associating with you is not going to tarnish these other people in your life. Also, many people have served prison time and then gone on to do amazing and wonderful things in a variety of industries/jobs, all around the world, and they have family and friends whose lives have been just fine, too.

    If the worst happened and you had to do some time in prison, any guess on how long it would be? Where I live, prison terms can be decreased for good behavior. Some programs IN prison here offer life skills assistance for when people are released - to really help reintegrate them into society.

    Keep talking to the crisis team, to us, and, if possible, to a lawyer to make sure you are well represented in your case. I think there is reason to continue to be hopeful...even though I do understand this is (reasonably!) causing you anxiety.

    Stay safe! :hug:
  10. Starfinder

    Starfinder Member

    Hi Acy, thanks for listening and not being judgemental. Its really great to know that there are people on this site who take the time to be so caring. I'm just really upset that I was within touching distance of feeling like I was a proper and decent human being. I really thought it was going to be my year.

    This is the first time I have ever been in trouble with the police and I just know that everybody is going to be so disappointed with me and there is nothing I can do to make it up to them. I've already lost good friends over this when I've been honest with them which makes me feel as though I've always taken their friendship for granted or I never had much to offer as a friend in the first place. I don't know who I am any more.

    Most people seem to get a year in prison or a 3 year community order. I'm just using free legal assistance as I don't want to waste any money on this when I've only got myself to blame for what has happened. I just feel as though I've made the world a worse place for everyone. If I'm dead then nobody needs to worry about me and they may not think such bad things about me.

    Every time I wake up I'm in pain as I realise that this is reality. I can't even escape in my sleep as this is all I dream about. At least if I'm dead I won't need to suffer this pain or the constant headache that I've had for the last month. I can't wait to be dead.
  11. Starfinder, all crimes sins and such are forgivable but you have to be the first to forgive yourself. You hint that what happened to you involves much shame and embarrasement. I mean I can think of a handful of things and if you were my friend I would not judge you. Of course this is consuming your every thought, you are ashamed of what you did. But please stop beating yourself up about it. It's as though you say I had a good life and all was great then I made this decision almost as though you wanted to self punish yourself. What is done is done. You need to move forward for you and nobody else nor what they think of you.If they love you which your brother does, allow him to be there for you and in time you will return the favor to him by being alive and around for him. Trust me suicide is not the way to go although you feel that right now.
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