Being hospitilized made me happy

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Erxi_Kusanagi, May 28, 2009.

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  1. Erxi_Kusanagi

    Erxi_Kusanagi Member

    I was hospitilized for Spontaneous Pneumomediastinum, they were never able to find the exact reason why, but there is a very high chance that is was caused by my body starting to break down and consume my lung tissue (due to the weakness of the alveolar wall and the loss of connective tissue).

    It made me happy that I have brought myself to that point of starvation, it was like a reward almost, it was a sign that I was not eating too much.

    I realize how fucked up so many people might see that to be, but I don't give a fuck haha
     
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    What makes self starvation appealing to you? :hug:
     
  3. Erxi_Kusanagi

    Erxi_Kusanagi Member

    it's cleansing, it's something I can control. No matter what fucked up shit is going on in life everything is alright as long as I am losing weight. It controls and pretty much destroys my sex drive, I don't have to deal with the emotions and feelings of wanting to be with wormen/get in a relationship (i've always been terrible when it comes to dealing with women.) I have a troubling relationship with food from work on kitchen lines for years, my mind has associated/linked being constantly stressed out (bad stress not good stress, I fucking hate my job but can't get a job doing anything else right now, trust me, there is nothing I can do about my job situation right now) to handling and being around food, so I never want to eat because it causes me to get panic attacks. And I used to be really fat as a kid and early teen, and after losing 50+ pounds I have this intense fear of gaining any of it back.

    Self starvation is calming for me, it's the only way that I can deal with shit
     
  4. the Hollow

    the Hollow Well-Known Member

    I can compleatly relate to this,I used to work for Starbucks and I hated it so much.If I wasnt starving myself at work,Id steal food and money to buy food to binge and purge on. I think maybe I felt so distanced and below the customers and I hated my manager so the last thing I wanted to do was act like the customers stuffing themselves.

    When you get hospitalised or have health problems because of the way youve starved and abused yourself you feel like youve got one over on all the people who called you fat and took the piss as a kid coz most of them are disgusting now..the thing is I dont think anyone but us cares coz when they called us fat it wasnt to control their life so we are the only ones who end up caring coz we've made food our life. Try not to let it be,I know its one of the easiest and only things we individually have control over but theres so much more to life and you can end up very alone before you know it,its just you and your eating disorder weather you like it or not..thats not control.
     
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