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Being Numb Is More Depressing Than Being Sad

Autumn1973

Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
#1
The last Thanksgiving I didn't spend alone was in 2007. I knew my marriage was over, but my wife and I spent Thanksgiving with her family like we had every other Thanksgiving after we moved to Florida in 1999. She hadn't told them about our situation yet. She wanted us to make the appearance as a happily married couple. Even though it was over. I hadn't accepted it yet. Was still holding out hope that it wasn't really over. At the time, I thought that would be the saddest Thanksgiving of my life. Knowing that I would no longer be a part of this family, that this was the last time I would celebrate a holiday with them. I was wrong.

Thanksgiving 2008, my first one alone, was worse. I was still depressed over what happened to my marriage and hadn't been able to move on. I guess part of me never did. I guess I'm still wondering what I did that was so unforgivable. No abuse, no affairs. We had trouble communicating at times, but I loved her. I always will. I guess I'm still wondering what I did that justified being canceled so quickly. Maybe that's what hurt the most. Knowing that you can be discarded so quickly, with no hesitation. After spending so many years together, all the love you thought was real, then to be tossed aside like you never mattered. And I know that I don't matter because she's never initiated contact with me since. She said she wanted to remain friends, but I've always been the one to text her to find out how she's doing, or saying Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas, whatever. The last time I texted her was back in March as the pandemic was getting worse. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I didn't send her a text this Thanksgiving because I was hoping she'd text me first. But it didn't happen. No messages waiting for me on my phone. She wants me to just, go away. Because I don't matter to her. I don't even matter to myself anymore. Sorry, I'm rambling again.

Over the years there's always been sadness around the holidays, but I had learned to deal with it okay and bounce back after it was over. That's not happening anymore. Last Halloween, 2019, I received a message on a dating site I have a profile on. I had stopped reaching out years ago, I basically gave up. But I left my profile up. I was still hopeful. Maybe that special person would find me. I don't know. I'm just guessing. Her name was Heather, and she was really sweet. And I shared everything with her, held nothing back, complete honesty. And she was cool with everything. Including that I wished I had been born female and that I indulged that fantasy in the privacy of my home. I told her my story and she wanted to get to know me. The real me. So we spent about two weeks texting and talking and emailing, and we made a connection, a real connection. So we decided to take the next step and meet somewhere for dinner. A date, a real date. The first for me in several years. It couldn't have gone better. We talked for hours, and I asked if I could see her again. Second date? She said yes. I already had it planned, I planned it after the first time we talked on the phone, that's how sure I was that we had hit it off. I wanted to have her over to my place to watch "The Princess Bride." That was it, nothing else, that's not the kind of person I am, I have never been that kind of person. I want a relationship, not a fling of any kind. She knew that. So I had something else to look forward to, and that hadn't happened to me in a long time. I asked her to text me when she got home so I would know that she got home safe. She texted me, but the tone of her text had changed quite a bit from what I was used to. I noticed, but tried to downplay it. Then she stopped initiating contact with me. I kept texting her, but her answers were short. No hugs, nothing friendly, nothing that indicated she still liked me. I was canceled. Dismissed again. Like I didn't matter to her. Like I never mattered at all. I wish she had never reached out to me in the first place. False hope, is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Thursday morning, it just hit me. I don't know why. I started thinking about how that one date ended, had I done something wrong, how my marriage ended, that I was alone, and felt nothing. I was numb to it all. Then the depression came roaring back because I was numb. I couldn't feel anything, and it turns out that's more depressing than the sadness that's been following me. I felt nothing, and it just drove home how much I don't matter. That I can be so easily tossed aside. I tried to ignore this Thanksgiving, tried to spend the day in bed. It didn't work. Just felt worse. Worst Thanksgiving ever. Until the next one I guess. I'm dreading Christmas this year more than I have any other year since 2007. I shaved yesterday, and I know how to shave without cutting myself. I cut myself this time. Just to try and feel something other than emotional pain. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't hurt myself, but I couldn't help it. You've all been so helpful to me, afterward I felt worse because I don't want to let any of you down. All the advice, the kind words, the friendship, everything. And I go and intentionally hurt myself. I'm sorry, everyone. Please don't cancel me because of it. I just, I don't know. I'm not bouncing back anymore. I was better at handling this before I met Heather, that false hope really did a number on me. And now, I can't stop thinking about how I waited years for my mother or father to reach out to me and say they'd like to start over, get to know me, make up for years lost. And it never happened. My father ended up dying. I never mattered to him, either. I guess I have proof of that now. And my mother, could have passed away, I don't know. Just to make some kind of effort, to show that I actually did matter at least a little bit. Even for my ex to reach out, would mean a lot. I don't know anymore. I'm rambling again. Sorry.

Thanks for reading. Have a nice weekend.

Autumn
 
Last edited:

Lane

SF Supporter
#3
People can be cruel. You do matter. Holidays are truly hard especially when one goes through the pain if divorce.

You lose your in-laws and friends. If children are involved, it can become a mess. Many times I just barely made it and still struggle. Again, people are cruel. My exhusband completely ignores me. Bad message to 3 if my 4 children. They get us while we are weak too.

I hope you feel better. I'm very glad that you shared your story here @Autumn1973. I dont want to try to ease your pain with any trivial suggestions but just a welcome and know that members here are good people that understand. *console
 
#5
I admittedly haven't read the post. But just based on the title, I disagree. Being truly numb...to everything...is much better than being sad.
I agree. I know everyone's different but I've always found it hard to understand that people would rather feel pain than not feel it, even though being numb isn't exactly comfortable either. I've always wished I could feel numb to things and have no emotional response and when at times I have finally become numb to stuff I feel so relieved that I can't feel the pain anymore. I used to know someone who was depressed in a numb way whilst I was depressed in a constant emotional torture way and I'd cry everyday for months and feel sick from anxiety and feel the pain repeatedly and he said to me "I'd rather go through what you're going through than feel numb" and it bugged me. I just kinda said "be thankful you don't know what this feels like, you don't want to know".
 
#6
I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain @Autumn1973 *sadhug I can relate to feeling like I never truly matter to anyone. It's such a horrible feeling and it haunts me forever. It's a nightmare when nothing feels right, numb or not, neither is nice. I hope things feel lighter soon β™₯
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#7
I agree. I know everyone's different but I've always found it hard to understand that people would rather feel pain than not feel it, even though being numb isn't exactly comfortable either. I've always wished I could feel numb to things and have no emotional response and when at times I have finally become numb to stuff I feel so relieved that I can't feel the pain anymore. I used to know someone who was depressed in a numb way whilst I was depressed in a constant emotional torture way and I'd cry everyday for months and feel sick from anxiety and feel the pain repeatedly and he said to me "I'd rather go through what you're going through than feel numb" and it bugged me. I just kinda said "be thankful you don't know what this feels like, you don't want to know".
Yeah, you know what, that person was a fucking idiot. If you'd rather cry every day and feel sick from anxiety than just be numb to everything, there's something wrong with you.
 
#8
Yeah, you know what, that person was a fucking idiot. If you'd rather cry every day and feel sick from anxiety than just be numb to everything, there's something wrong with you.
Exactly, thank you. That was 7 years ago and the person was my best friend at the time so it bugged me even more cause I felt like it was kinda insensitive, almost like he was belittling my feelings. It's nice all these years later to hear someone understands me. Back then I felt so stupid cause he was so arrogant that whatever he said felt like the absolute truth. Made me feel worse. When I explained that some things he said were hurtful he said I should be thankful he hurt me cause I can learn from it! He was a lousy friend all round, same person who said I shouldn't kill myself back then not cause he'd miss me or care but because he was worried it could make him look bad and he didn't want his image tarnished. Ditched him 5 years ago, some "best friend" he was. The nerve of some people.. *wacko
 

Sunspots

Daydream Believer
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#9
Hi Autumn

I'm so sorry. Holidays are such difficult times, they seem to amplify whatever we're feeling.

Like Lane, I don't want to trivialise your pain by giving you crap bits of advice that I'm sure you've already heard a thousand times.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, we're all here standing beside you. And you matter to us.

My inbox is always open if you fancy a chat.
 

Autumn1973

Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
#10
I admittedly haven't read the post. But just based on the title, I disagree. Being truly numb...to everything...is much better than being sad.
No it isn't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. If you don't know what it's like to feel sad that you have nothing to be sad about when a family member dies, then you can't really understand the way I'm feeling right now. When I found out my father died, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. And that hurt me in a way I'd never been hurt before. How many other people wonder what it's supposed to feel like when a member of their family dies? How many children have had to ask themselves that question because they've been abused so bad that the only thing they can feel is relief? Being numb goes both ways. Yes, you don't feel the pain, but you also can't feel anything positive. And thinking that I'll never feel happiness again...just makes me want to die even more than I already do. If that's what I'm in the process of becoming, then I'll wish even harder that I had killed myself a long time ago. And with Christmas around the corner, thinking about the things I used to try to do to get through the holiday experiencing a taste of happiness, knowing that I'm becoming incapable of experiencing it anymore? What's the point? It means I'm too damaged, a lost cause, not worth trying to save.
 

Autumn1973

Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
#12
People can be cruel. You do matter. Holidays are truly hard especially when one goes through the pain if divorce.

You lose your in-laws and friends. If children are involved, it can become a mess. Many times I just barely made it and still struggle. Again, people are cruel. My exhusband completely ignores me. Bad message to 3 if my 4 children. They get us while we are weak too.

I hope you feel better. I'm very glad that you shared your story here @Autumn1973. I dont want to try to ease your pain with any trivial suggestions but just a welcome and know that members here are good people that understand. *console
Thank you, Lane. Sorry your ex ignores you and is trying to turn your children against you. My mother used my sister and I against our father during their divorce. So I've seen divorce from multiple perspectives. And you're so right, people can be be very cruel. What a society we inhabit.
 

Autumn1973

Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
#13
I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain @Autumn1973 *sadhug I can relate to feeling like I never truly matter to anyone. It's such a horrible feeling and it haunts me forever. It's a nightmare when nothing feels right, numb or not, neither is nice. I hope things feel lighter soon β™₯
Thank you, fairytale. But trust me, take back your wish. You would rather feel pain than be numb. I can't turn this numbness off and then turn it back on when I need to. It just doesn't work that way. Not for me, anyway. Maybe there are others out there who can turn it off and on, but I can't. And this numbness seems to be when I'm most vulnerable, when I am a serious danger to myself. Because I don't have to worry about feeling regret. I won't flinch just before I try to do something to harm myself. In the past that's been the only thing that kept me alive. Being afraid of ending up worse off than I already was because of a failed attempt to cancel myself.
 

Autumn1973

Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
#14
Hi Autumn

I'm so sorry. Holidays are such difficult times, they seem to amplify whatever we're feeling.

Like Lane, I don't want to trivialise your pain by giving you crap bits of advice that I'm sure you've already heard a thousand times.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, we're all here standing beside you. And you matter to us.

My inbox is always open if you fancy a chat.
Hey, Sunspots. Thanks. I'm in a really bad place right now. If I had the items I needed for my preferred type of attempt, this might have been the holiday I actually went through with it. Being numb means not feeling, not caring, and I cared so little about myself before Thanksgiving, when I realized that what I was feeling was nothing, I should've have been scared of what I was now capable of, but I wasn't. I couldn't shed a single tear for myself. That layer of protection, was gone. Just gone. That's why I cut myself I guess. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I couldn't cry because I felt nothing. Just numb. And I wanted to cry because I couldn't cry about what was making me feel so bad. That doesn't even make sense, does it? Wanting to feel that pain to cry so you can vent? So you can start to make yourself feel better? Maybe that's it. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm doing, I can't describe how I'm feeling in a way that makes any sense, I don't know.
 

Autumn1973

Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
#15
Anyone who reads this post please understand that being numb is not what you would rather choose over pain. What I'm going through right now is proof of that.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#16
No it isn't. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. If you don't know what it's like to feel sad that you have nothing to be sad about when a family member dies, then you can't really understand the way I'm feeling right now. When I found out my father died, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. And that hurt me in a way I'd never been hurt before. How many other people wonder what it's supposed to feel like when a member of their family dies? How many children have had to ask themselves that question because they've been abused so bad that the only thing they can feel is relief? Being numb goes both ways. Yes, you don't feel the pain, but you also can't feel anything positive. And thinking that I'll never feel happiness again...just makes me want to die even more than I already do. If that's what I'm in the process of becoming, then I'll wish even harder that I had killed myself a long time ago. And with Christmas around the corner, thinking about the things I used to try to do to get through the holiday experiencing a taste of happiness, knowing that I'm becoming incapable of experiencing it anymore? What's the point? It means I'm too damaged, a lost cause, not worth trying to save.
My grandmother abused me. And I'd feel the exact same thing you're feeling when she finally kicks the bucket. Well not quite, because I actually can't wait for that day. I'm going to throw a party. I always imagined that if they forced me to go to the funeral, I'd probably spit on the bitch's grave. You don't have to feel sad that an abuser of yours died, family or not.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#17
Thank you, Lane. Sorry your ex ignores you and is trying to turn your children against you. My mother used my sister and I against our father during their divorce. So I've seen divorce from multiple perspectives. And you're so right, people can be be very cruel. What a society we inhabit.
Hi. Ya made it through Thansgiving I see, ha. Thank you for the supportive words. He is a real dick. I hate to say it because we've known each other since 18 years old. A shame. And a disservice to the children.

How old are your children, did you say you had any? How are you liking the forum here?
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#18
Thank you, Lane. Sorry your ex ignores you and is trying to turn your children against you. My mother used my sister and I against our father during their divorce. So I've seen divorce from multiple perspectives. And you're so right, people can be be very cruel. What a society we inhabit.
That wasnt right of your mother.
 

Autumn1973

Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
#19
No, my ex and I never had any children.

I look forward to checking in to this site every day. The people on this site are probably the only thing keeping me from...doing something I shouldn't want to do. I haven't made it through Thanksgiving yet. This holiday is one long weekend for me. I'll have something to eat and try to spend the rest of the day in bed.

Thank you, Lane. I like your profile picture. I love that movie.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#20
Anyone who reads this post please understand that being numb is not what you would rather choose over pain. What I'm going through right now is proof of that.
I think I understand, because if you feel pain you at least feel like you're alive, at least that's how it's for me. Being numb has got to be a defense mechanism because one's brain and body can only take so much.

But, it's about how you are and making it through. I just read that today is really hard. So those thoughts from the past are popping up extra hard I know. Thinking of you today Autumn.
 

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